Can you tell me anything I can change about my story? Well, this is a story I wrote, which is obviously a "copy" of Harry Potter. I haven't finished yet. Please no mean comments, and only answer if you really read it :) Jasmine Hurst and The Battle of The Winds Chapter One: The Great Encounter! Jasmine Hurst trotted down the street. The fresh fragrance of flowers flavored the crisp air, swallowing her in a delightful aroma. She took a last deep breath as she left the flower shop, coming back to her senses. Something sprung out at her and tickled her eye. She curiously turned her head. It was a “help wanted” sign. But what was help wanted for? She silently thought, maybe I’d like to help out. Although intrigued by the sign, Jasmine forgot she had ever seen the sign, and continued her journey home. She sauntered through the woods until she came to the little path leading to the pint-sized cottage, which she was proud to call home. She loped through the door, which was framed with the most stunning, beauteous doorframe available. Though the rest of the house was simple and small, the frame would fit right in at a mansion. The warm colors of creams, browns, and reds absorbed her in a wonderful day dream of what always awaited her on Thursday nights, pasta for dinner, then a story next to the fire told beautifully by her grandma, along with midnight, her black cat, curled up comfortably on her knee and a dim candle on the fire ledge. A gaunt, short, elderly lady with thin, brownish grey hair greeted her with a thin-lipped smile and crooked, yellowish teeth. She too, knew what was coming that night. “Back soon, I see you are! Eager?” Her grandma croaked. Her grandma smiled, warmly, her eyes turning to slits, the wrinkles at the side of her eyes forming. Jasmine had gone on her normal everyday walk, which usually took about twenty-five minutes, but this time it had only taken fifteen minutes. Her grandma had been right, she had been eager to get home. “Yes, with a thought in my head, a thought that is stuck there like a fly caught in wet tar!” Jasmine replied in her thick English accent. “What do you mean? A thought that won’t go away?” Her grandma questioned in her own English accent. “Well, you see grandma, I saw a help wanted sign, it caught my eye, made me stare, and suddenly a thought flew into my head that I can’t imagine me to think of. That thought was, I might want to help them! I mean, why would I care? I already have enough to do with looking after Midnight, and making sure all the candles in the house are lit, so that it won’t be pitch black! I also need to get my chores done and buy fresh flowers from Wally’s flower shop to stop the smell of the rats that live in the wall! See what I mean?” Jasmine explained to her grandma. “Well I guess I know what you’re getting at, but why is that so strange, I mean that you thought that?” Her grandma rasped. “I don’t exactly know!” Jasmine answered. Her throat went dry as she thought about whom she was talking to, her grandma. Her grandma had really been very kind as to take her in! She really should treat her grandma with a great amount of respect. She had lost the two most important things in her life when she was only 2 years old… her parents. And it pained her to think why she wasn’t talking to her Mum or Dad. Although her grandma was very kind, thoughtful, and generous to Jasmine, she longed for Mum and Dad every day when she looked into the tiny chest, in which held a dazzling emerald. They had given it to her the day before they died in a fire, or so that was what the people of Broomsbury, North Yorkshire claimed was the story. ∆∆∆ Zing, Zap! Gasps, shrieks, and squeals arose from Jasmine and her grandma. Midnight sent a big “meow” sailing through the air. Jasmine then fainted, and lay unconscious on the cold, stone floor. Her grandma hauled her up and she soon became conscious once more. An elderly lady in a spectacular silk violet gown had suddenly appeared out of thin air! She waddled over to the two astounded girls with her dazzling gown trailing behind her in a sea of purple. Her grey hair was tied back in a ponytail; few strands had slipped from the tight hair tie. It pulled the skin on her forehead tightly. Mouths still gaping, Jasmine and her grandma stood speechless. “Jasmine, Julie! So wonderful to finally meet you!” The woman exclaimed. Jasmine had never called her grandma anything except for, well, grandma, or even ma sometimes. Even though Julie wasn’t Jasmines real mom, Jasmine called her “ma” anyways because she hadn’t really known her real mom. She wasn’t used to Julie. Anyway, who is this woman, and however did she appear out of thin air. I must be dreaming, she thought. She wasn’t. She had pinched herself 3 times and nothing. “Now, let me explain myself,” The woman said almost as if she had read Jasmine’s mind. “Yes, please do,” Jasmine’s grandma said. “How, if I may ask, did you appear out of thin air and zap into our kitchen, and WHO ARE YOU!” Jasmine roared. “What a nice girl you have, Julie, how old is she?” The irregular lady asked with a bitter as lemon look on her face. “Well, she is almost 10 and a half, her birthday is in June and it is nearly December now,” Julie responded.” “Ah. Well, I am the messenger lady for the school of witchcraft and wizardry, Velecitor. I am a witch. I made you look at the “HELP WANTED” sign nearby the flower shop. I wanted to give you a clue of what was going to happen. I thought you knew about witches and wizards. It is traditional to give a clue, preferably the “made you look” clue if you are about to send someone to Velecitor. I have been assigned to tell you that Jasmine is needed at Velecitor. We will transport her there and she will be there until she is no longer needed. It is an excellent boarding school for magic. Questions?” “A couple. Number one: WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT??????” Julie bawled. Covering her pointed ears with both hands, the messenger lady answered calmly, “I am saying that Jasmine is needed at Velecitor to help us, if you protest then we will turn you into a pig, permanently!” The woman cackled as a sly grin slapped across her face. In no time Jasmine had packed her bags and the woman had shrunk them to doll-sized suitcases and plopped them into a mauve velvet bag. Jasmine was expecting a simple plane ride, but she went by broom. “I would have zapped you there, but if the destination is not on the planet Earth, we have to fly there.” The woman, who had told Jasmine to call her Sally, explained. “Velecitor isn’t on Earth? If it isn’t on Earth, where is it?” Jasmine questioned, not surprised at the idea. Compared to the other events that had happened, this was nothing! “Velecitor is on planet Amoria, the planet that is invisible to a mortal’s eyes.” “Oh,” Jasmine said quietly. Jasmine, wide eyed, looked below. Velecitor was appearing! But then, to her horror, Jasmine plummeted downwards! Chapter 2: Salina, Robert, and Johnny “She’s falling, and bawling, so bring her up here, then the poor soul will be freed of its fear!” Sally chanted. Jasmine was surprised that she floated up and back onto the broom. She hadn’t heard Sally chanting the spell. “Jasmine dear, when you get to Velecitor, you will need to learn how to ride a broom without falling off,” Sally sarcastically said. “Well I’m sorry that I have never ridden a BROOM before!” Jasmine gave her own sarcastic comment. “Falling off of a broom will not get you into Miss Penderwick’s good-books. I’d be prepared for her sharp attitude if I were you!” Sally warned. “Who’s Miss Penderwick?” Jasmine curiously asked. “She will be your new teacher at Velecitor.” Sally said. “Is she nice?” Jasmine asked. “She will shout her guts out if you make the simplest mistake, like pronouncing a word in a spell wrong.” Sally answered. “Ok, I guess I’ll have to get used to it.” Jasmine commented. This time, they steadily soared through the sky on the wooden broom. A thin crescent moon shed soft faint moonlight onto the two broom riders. Pearly stars made the midnight sky polka-dotted. Jasmine gazed at the shadows among the mossy-green forests. Skeletal bushes shivered in the cold night air. “Well Jasmine, we have arrived! How do you like the looks of Velecitor?” Sally asked. People, or wizards, seemed to glide across the firm stone floor, with jet-black robes streaming behind them. Gas torches were dotted about here and there and sent a fiery shock through Jasmine’s frosty body. An ebony cauldron stood in the middle of the campus, a gurgling pink liquid sizzling and popping fiercely as if trying to escape its giant bowl. After a moment of staring at the unlikely sight, Jasmine replied, “I am not sure. It’s surely different from what I’m used to. In fact, I’ve never even seen a school!” “Well, I’ll take you to your dorm; there you can unpack and meet your roommate.” Sally beckoned Jasmine to follow. Jasmine obeyed, mouth gaping at the building. The spine-chilling building was a rusty stone, aligned with cobwebs. Engraved into the stone was the word “Velecitor”. They scampered through the grand doorway. A deep, rumbling, droning noise was biting at Jasmines ears. Torches were ablaze on the walls, lighting the dingy hall. An engraved tile was hung on the wall, which said “The Hall of Dorms”. “Dorm 276,” Sally read aloud. She shifted a copper key into the ghostly lock. An eerie room was presented in front of her. A vast full-sized mirror was hung on the wall. A bed, covered in a blue, patched quilt stood proudly in the middle of the room with a wooden bedside table perched next to it. A flaming lantern was on the bedside table, it lit the room with a comforting glow. “Wow! It’s not what I thought it would be,” Jasmine commented. Then a girl about the same age as Jasmine skipped in from the bathroom. Her milky skin shone in the dim candlelight. Her white-blonde hair was tied back in a ballerina bun. She gazed at Jasmine with periwinkle eyes. “Hello,” she said, her voice cracked. Her black robes were too big to fit her tiny figure. “It’s my pleasure to meet you. What is your name?” Jasmine politely greeted her. “I’m Salina, and you?” She answered. “Jasmine. I’m new here, how long have you been here?” “Barely six months. You should meet two of my best friends, Robert and Johnny. I think you’ll like them. I met them on the train here to Velecitor. By the way, I’m your new roommate!” “I’d be happy to meet your friends, and I’m also happy to be your roommate!” Jasmine eagerly said. “Why thank you! Should I take you to meet them now?” Salina offered. “Sure,” Jasmine answered. The two friends skipped out of the door to try to find Robert and Johnny. A cheery, gleeful face welcomed Jasmine to a dorm identical to the one that she had just been in. “Robert, Johnny, meet Jasmine!” Selena introduced Jasmine as if it was a great honor. Was it a great honor, or was she saying it in that tone by accident? Jasmine wondered while Selena told Roberto and Johnny all about how nice Jasmine was. She wondered while Selena told Jasmine about the school. She wondered while Selena told her how candles had to be put out by 10:00pm, but not long after ten, her question was answered. “Jasmine,” Selena muttered. “Yes,” Jasmine replied. “Well, I just want to let you know that I think that you are a very special girl, and it was a great honor for me to introduce you to Robert and Johnny,” Selena’s comment made Jasmine wonder, and also made her happy. The next morning, Jasmine woke up to find Selena in the corner of he room, boiling hot water over a fire, a teabag in her left hand. “Tea, Jasmine?” Selena asked. “Of course! Thanks for offering!” When Selena handed Jasmine a steamy mug of almost black tea, Jasmine felt awake, good. She was going to have a good day today, she promised herself. ~m~: Thanks, i liked your answer! Roddy S: Did you even read it? Signed JONAS BROTHER FAN musiclover: I am only 10 years old, I don't plan on getting this published. Thank you for the criticism, I'll use that to make it better. I'll ask my teacher how I can change the "flowery adjectives" thanks again! When I say no mean comments, I don't mean that you can't criticize my writing, and that you can't help me improve, I mean don't say stuff like "shut up, no one can be bothered to read something that long"