OK, This is the bit where I've put all the adult jokes and other stuff that the kids aren't supposed to see. So, if you're going to be offended by sexual or religious jokes and things like that, then I suggest you jump straight to page 5, if not then read on...........and don't say I didn't warn you!!
Before we start, a little personal observation for you... The one thing that can be said about life is that at some point, no matter how bad things are, it's going to get worse!! The only guarantee is that it's got to end someday, and then you can stop worrying about it.
- Marvin The Paranoid Android
Hitchiker's Guide to the Galaxy
A SEX joke to start .... what else?
Famous Last Words
10 Things not to say to your wife in bed
15 of the thinnest books ever written
Another joke, this time it's religious
Some rude pictures for you to look at
A quiz for the oldies
Little known facts about the Animal Kingdom
You know the Internet has taken over your life when ....
Freaky....and just plain gross
What REALLY goes on in the mens room
What have the 7 Dwarfs, the Pope and a Penguin got in common?
Useless questions without answers
Blow ME!!! Another joke
Cards everybody WISHES they could send
Things that women want guys to know
Things that guys want women to know
Another picture for you
A few pearls of human wisdom
And finally ..........
A Sex joke, just to get things started ......
A father asks his son, now aged 10, if he knows about the birds and the bees.
"I don't want to know!" the child said, bursting into tears.
Confused, the father asked his son what was wrong.
"Oh dad," he sobbed, "When I was 7 I said to me 'there's no Easter Bunny'. On my 8th birthday you told me you had lied about the Tooth Fairy. Then when I reached 9 you hit me with the 'You can forget about Santa' speech.
If you're going to tell me now that grown-ups don't really have sex, I've got nothing left to live for!"
What do we learn from this? Your parents get a kick out of screwing up the rest of your lives
I just finished reading a very funny book of tasteless lists and thought I'd include one of them for you......
Famous Last Words
1. "I don't know" - Pierre Abelard, 12th Century French philospher
2. "Wait a minute" - Pope Alexander VI (Borgia), 1503. Murdered his way to the Papacy before being murdered himself.
3. "Monks, Monks, Monks" - King Henry VIII on his deathbed, 1547.
4. "Strike, man!" - Sir Walter Raleigh (to his executioner), 1618.
5. "Pretty soon you're going to see a baked Appel" - George Appel, convicted murderer at his electrocution, 1928.
6. "I'm still awake" - Robert Leroy Parks, during his execution by lethal injection, 1992.
7. "Commute me or Gas me, just don't drag it out" - Jesse Bishop, after his bodged execution, 1979.
And my particular favourite
8. "I'd like to thank my family for loving me and taking care of me...the rest of the world can kiss my ass!" - Robert Alton Harris being led to his execution,1992.
Maybe God just has a weird sense of humour.
You've probably all seen lists like this before, but I always laugh when I see a good one. Some of these are old, and some I changed a bit. (Call it "artistic license")
The Top 10 Things NOT To Say To Your Wife While Making Love
1. Is now a good time to ask for a chicken sandwich.
2. It was better with your sister/best friend/mother/dog*
3. I don't see what's wrong with asking for a blowjob after anal sex.
4. You taste really funny tonight.
5. Move your legs, you're suffocating me.
6. You're too damn heavy to get on top.
7. Sorry Darling, didn't mean to wake you.
8. Look ..... I never said I wouldn't cum in your mouth.
9. I know it's called a blow job, but you're supposed to suck.
10. Well that was just SO much fun, I think I'll wank next time.
*delete or insert as appropriate
Here's another list for you. Some of them will be better understood by our colonial cousins across the pond, but you get the idea...and again, I've changed a few to stop the Brit visitors going "Huh? Who's that"
TOP 15 THINNEST BOOKS
14. Things I would NOT do for Money - Neil Hamilton (ex Tory MP).
13. The Wild Years - Al Gore.
12. AMELIA EARHART'S Guide to the Pacific Ocean.
11. The World's Most Popular Lawyers.
10. 101 Fun Things to do in Weston-Super-Mare.
9. DR. KEVORKIAN'S Collection of Motivational Speeches.
8. Everything Men know About Women.
7. Everything Women Think They Know About Men.
6. Bob Geldof's Bumper Book of Baby Names.
5. To All the Men I've Loved Before - (Madame) Cynthia Payne.
4. MIKE TYSON'S Guide to Dating Etiquette.
3. 50 Ways to cook a Seal Cub - Friends of the Earth.
2. The 1999 Amish Phone Directory
And the World's Number One Shortest book ????
1. THE Book of Virtues - by Bill Clinton
Another joke for you ........ Who says there's no such thing as an unfair advantage.
Moses and Jesus are part of a threesome playing golf one day. Moses pulls up to the tee and drives a long one. The ball is heading toward a pond. Quickly, Moses raises his club, the water parts, and the ball rolls to the other side, safe and sound.
Next, Jesus strolls up to the tee and hits a nice long one directly toward the same water trap. It lands right in the center of the pond and kind of hovers over the water. Jesus casually walks out on the water and chips the ball right up onto the green.
Then, the third guy gets up and sort of randomly whacks the ball. It heads out over the fence and into oncoming traffic on a nearby street. It bounces off a truck and hits a nearby tree. From there, it bounces onto the roof of a shack close by and rolls down into the gutter, down the drain spout, out onto the fairway and straight toward the aforementioned pond. On the way to the pond, the ball hits a little stone and bounces out over the water and onto a lily pad, where it comes quietly to rest. Suddenly, a very large bullfrog jumps on the lily pad and snatches the ball into his mouth. Just then, an eagle swoops down, grabs the frog and flies away. As they pass over the green, the frog squeals with fright and drops the ball, which bounces right into the hole for a beautiful hole in one.
Moses leans over to Jesus and says "Not bad, Do you think your dad could teach me how to do that trick?"
Here are a few JPEG's & GIF's I found the other day, just click to see them at full size.
Your Favourite Cartoon Characters as You've Never Seen Them Before
Quiz time for you oldies.
Come on, answer truthfully, you know who you are........25 Ways to Tell That You've Grown Up at Last
2. Does fooling around in a twin sized bed seems absurd?
3. Do you keep more food than beer in the fridge?
4. Is 6:00 AM when you get up, not when you go to sleep?
5. Do you hear your favourite song on an elevator.
6. Do you carry an umbrella because you watched the Weather Channel?
7. Do your friends marry and divorce instead of hookup and breakup?
8. Has your holiday time gone from 130 days to 25?
9. Have you stopped thinking of jeans and a sweater as 'dressed up'.
10. Are you the one calling the police because those damn kids next door don't know how to turn down the stereo?
11. Do older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you?
12. Have you forgotten what time McDonalds closes?
13. Has your car insurance finally gone down?
14. Have you stopped feeding your dog under the dinner table and now feed him off your TV tray?
15. Does sleeping on the couch make your back hurt?
16. Does your boss tell you off for having a power nap after lunch?
17. Have you stopped thinking of eating out or a movie as a prelude to sex?
18. Have you given up trying to keep up with the Chart Show on MTV?
19. Are you comfortable buying a packet of condoms at the chemist?
20. Has a £2.00 bottle of wine stopped tasting 'pretty good'?
21. Have you actually started to eat breakfast foods at breakfast time?
22. Does your grocery list cover more than just microwave meals and Pepsi?
23. Have you started saying "I just can't drink the way I used to" instead of "I'm never going to drink that much again"?
24. Do you now spend over 90% of your time in front of a computer doing real work?
25. Have you stopped drinking at home to save money before going to a bar?
If you have answered "YES" to at least 15 of these questions, then it's happened at last. You've finally grown up!!
Little Known Facts about the Animal Kngdom
and YES, that does include us
1. If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days, you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee. (Hardly seems worth it!)
2. If you fart consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb. (Now that's more like it!)
3. The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet. (Gross!)
4. A pig's orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. (In my next life I want to be a pig!)
5. Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour. (Still not over that pig thing!)
6. The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated. (Just like me Newfie buddy with the pickup!)
7. A cockroach will live nine days without its head, before it starves to death. (Creepy!)
8. The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the males head off. ("Honey, I'm home. What the....")
9. Some lions mate over 50 times a day. (In my next life I still want to be a pig...quality over quantity!)
10. Butterflies taste with their feet. (I really didn't need to know that!)
11. Elephants are the only animals that can't jump. (OK, so that would be a good thing right?...)
12. A cat's urine glows under a black light. (I really didn't need to know that either!)
13. An ostrich's eye is bigger than it's brain. (I know some people like that.)
14. Starfish don't have brains. (I know some people like that too!)
15. Polar bears are left handed. (Who knew....?, Who cares!)
16. Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure. (What about pigs!?!?!?!)
You Know The Internet Has Taken Over Your Life When .......
You are asked your address, and your answer begins http://
Instead of calling you to dinner, your spouse sends e-mail.
You chat with your fingers, not your mouth.
You use Netscape 4.05, and you check every week whether version 4.06 was released.
You know the difference between Java and Javascript.
Most of your friends have an @ in their names.
In order to watch CNN you move to www.cnn.com
Your e-mail address appears above your phone number on your business card.
You find yourself typing "com" after every period when using a word processor.com
You check your mail. It says "no new messages." So you check it again.
You can perfectly imitate the sound pattern of your modem connecting to your ISP.
You can think of nineteen keystroke symbols that are far more clever than :-).
You are told about a new program, and you are disappointed to find that it is a TV program.
Not only do you check your email more often than your paper mail, but you remember your network address faster than your postal one.
You wake up at 3 a.m. to go to the bathroom and stop to check your e-mail on the way back to bed.
Things that never made it into the
Guinness Book of World Records
MOST SEMEN SWALLOWED
Michelle Monahan had 1.7 pints of semen pumped out of her stomach in Los Angeles in July 1991.
LONGEST PUBES
Maoni Vi of Cape Town, South Africa, has hair measuring 32 inches from the armpits and 28 inches from her vagina.
MOST CAVERNOUS CROTCH
Linda Manning of Los Angeles could, without preparation, completely insert a lubricated American football into her vagina.
ZIT POPPING
In July 1987, Carl Chadwick of Rugby, England, squeezed a zit and projected a detectable amount of yellow pus a distance of 7ft 1 inch.
WORST DRINK
The most horrible drink to be considered a beverage and safely drunk is Khoona. It is drunk by Afghan tribesmen on their wedding night and consists of a small amount of still-warm very recently attained bull semen. It is believed to be a potent aphrodisiac.
MOST OFFENSIVE COCKTAIL
This is available from a few select bars in New York. It contains tomato juice, a double shot of vodka, a spoonful of French mustard and a dash of lime. It is not mixed, but served with a tampon (unused) instead of a cocktail umbrella and is known as a 'Cunt Pump'.
GREATEST DISTANCE ATTAINED FOR A JET OF SEMEN
Horst Schultz achieved 18 ft 9 in with a 'substantial' amount of seminal fluid. He also holds the records for the greatest height (12ft 4in) and the greatest speed of ejaculation, or muzzle velocity, with 42.7mph.
LONGEST TURD
The longest dump ever verified was produced by an American, who produced a ‘staggering’ turd over a period of 2hrs & 12mins, which was officially measured at 12 ft 2in. The offender is banned from 134 washrooms in his state.
MOST PROLONGED FART
Bernard Clemmens of London managed to sustain a fart for an officially recorded time of 2 minutes 42 seconds.
A joke from the Mens Room ...........
Bob goes into the public restroom and sees this guy standing next to the urinal. The guy has no arms. As Bob's standing there, taking care of business, he wonders to himself how the poor wretch is going to take a leak. Bob finishes and starts to leave when the man asks Bob to help him out. Being a kind soul, Bob says, "Ah, OK, sure, I'll help you."
The man asks, "Can you unzip my zipper?"
Bob says, "OK."
Then the man says, "Can you pull it out for me?"
Bob replies, "Uh, yeah, OK."
Bob pulls it out and it has all kinds of mold and red bumps, with hair clumps, rashes, moles, scabs, scars, and reeks something awful. Then the guy asks Bob to point it for him, and Bob points for him. Bob then shakes it, puts it back in and zips it up.
The guy tells Bob, "Thanks, man, I really appreciate it."
Bob says, "No problem, but what the hell's wrong with your penis?"
The guy pulls his arms out of his shirt and says, "I don't know, but I ain't touching it.
Have you heard the one about the 7 Dwarfs and the Pope?
The seven dwarfs go to the Vatican, and because they are THE seven dwarfs, they are ushered in to see His Holiness, with Dopey leading the pack.
"Dopey, my son, What can I do for you?" enquires the Pope
Dopey asks "Excuse me, your Excellency, but are there any dwarf nuns in Rome?"
The Pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks for a moment and answers, "No, Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in Rome."
In the background, a few of the dwarfs start giggling. Dopey turns around and gives them a glare, silencing them and, turning back to the Pope he asks, "Your Worship, are there any dwarf nuns in all of Europe?"
The Pope, puzzled now, again thinks for a moment and then answers "No,Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in Europe."
This time, all of the other dwarfs burst into laughter. Once again, Dopey turns around and silences them with an angry glare. Dopey turns back and says "Mr. Pope! Are there ANY dwarf nuns anywhere in the world?"
"I'm sorry, my son, to the best of my knowledge, there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world."
The other dwarfs collapse into a heap, rolling and laughing, pounding the floor, with tears rolling down their cheeks as they begin chanting ........... "Dopey screwed a penguin! Dopey screwed a penguin!".
You know those things that nobody ever asked, because no-one wants to know the answers...... well here are a few of them for you anyway.
If you have any more, then let me know and I'll stick them on the end
How come wrong numbers are never busy?
Does that screwdriver really belong to Philip?
Can a stupid person stil be a smart-ass?
Does killing time damage eternity?
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
Why is it called lipstick when a woman can still move her lips?
Why does night fall but the day breaks?
Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavouring but washing-up liquid is made with real lemons?
Daylight saving time - why are they saving it and where do they keep it?
Did Noah keep his bees in archives?
Did George Washington just whip out a quarter when he was asked for some ID?
Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?
Have you ever seen a toad on a toadstool?
How can there be self-help "groups"?
If Barbie's so popular, why do you have to buy all her friends?
If Blind people always seem to wear dark glasses, why don't deaf people wear earmuffs?
If space is a vacuum, who changes the bags?
If swimming is so good for your shape, why do whales look the way they do?
If you take a Chinaman and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?
Why do the signs that say "Slow Children" have a picture of a running child?
Why do they call it "chilli" if it's hot?
Has this sort of thing has ever happened to you?
Every parents worst nightmare? How would you handle it?
This boy takes his girlfriend back to her home after being out on a date together, when they reach the front door he leans close to her, with one hand resting on the wall and says to her, "Sweetie, why don't you give me a blowjob?"
"What? Are you crazy???!!!"
"Come on baby, just a quick one."
"No way!! Someone may see"
"At this time of the night, who's going to be around"
"I've already said no, and I mean NO!"
"Honey, it's just a small blowie... I know you like it too.."
"NO!!! NO!!! NO!!!"
"Aw, please love... don't be like that"
At this moment the younger sister opens up the door, in her nightgown, rubbing her eyes and obviously having just got out of bed and says. "Dad says either YOU have to blow him, I have to blow him, or he will come down and give the guy a blowjob himself, but for God's sake tell him to take his damn hand off the intercom!"
Somebody once said there is a greetings card for every occassion. I beg to differ, but you'll never see this lot for sale in your local stationers.
1. Congratulations on your wedding day! Too bad no one likes your wife.
2. How could two people as beautiful you have such an ugly baby?
3. I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love. After having met you, I've changed my mind.
4. I must admit, you brought Religion in my life. I never believed in Hell until I met you.
5. Looking back over the years that we've been together, I can't help but wonder: What the fuck was I thinking?
6. As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am that you're not here to ruin it for me.
7. If I get only one thing for Christmas, I hope it's your sister.
8. As you grow older Mum, I think of all the gifts you've given me. Like the need for therapy...
9. Thanks for being a part of my life!!! I never knew what evil was before this!
10. Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go, would like to take this knife out of my back. You'll probably need it again.
11. Someday I hope to get married, but not to you.
12. Sorry things didn't work out, but I can't handle guys with boobs that are bigger than mine.
13. Happy Birthday! You look great for your age...Almost Lifelike!
14. When we were together, you always said you'd die for me. Now that we've broken up, I think it's time you kept your promise.
15. I always knew the day would come when you would leave me for my best friend. So here's his leash, water bowl and chew toys.
16. We have been friends for a very long time, what say we call it quits.
17. I'm so miserable without you, it's almost like you're here.
18. Congratulations on your new bundle of joy. Did you ever find out who the father was?
19. You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship and there was only one life jacket left .... I'd miss you heaps and think of you often.
20. Your friends and I wanted to do something special for your birthday so we're having you put to sleep.
Have you ever noticed how women always think they are so superior to us guys. Well here are some of the things that they believe make it true
2. The next time you and your buddies joke about armed women in combat, take a poll to see which of you successfully aim at the toilet bowl.
3. If we're watching football with you, it's not bonding. We're watching because of the butts.
4. If the truth hurts, ask us those ego-sensitive questions on your pay day.
5. Whenever possible, please try to say whatever you have to say after the movie.
6. Don't fret if you find out that the postman delivers more than once a day.
7. Please don't drive when you're not driving.
8. Lay off the beans several hours before bedtime.
9. Our bedtime headaches are inversely proportional to the number of baths that you take.
10. If you were really looking for an honest answer..... you wouldn't ask in bed.
11. The next time you joke about female drivers, research the number of accidents caused by rubbernecking at miniskirts.
12. If only women gossip, how do you and your buddies keep track of "who's easy?"
13. Stop telling us that most male strippers are gay: WE DON'T CARE!
14. Start parting and combing your hair to one side early in life: You'll never see the island coming.
15. Have a strong need for male bonding? Visit your proctologist.
16. Your contributions to your child should go above and beyond that chromosome you unselfishly sacrificed.
17. Eye contact is best established above our shoulder level.
And just to prove that I'm not really a sexist pig, I've even got some helpful advice for the little woman in your life........
1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
2. Learn to work the toilet seat: if it's up put it down.
3. Don't cut your hair. Ever.
4. Birthdays and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we can find the perfect present, again!
5. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
6. Sometimes we're not thinking about you. Live with it.
7. Don't ask us what we are thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation and monster trucks.
8. Get rid of your cat. And no, it's not different, it's just like every other cat.
9. Any dog is better than any cat. Period.
10. Sunday is for TV and Sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be!
11. Shopping is not sport.
12. Anything you wear is fine. Really.
13. You have enough clothes.
14. You have too many shoes.
15. Crying is blackmail. Use it if you must, but don't expect us to like it.
16. Your brother is an idiot, your ex-boyfriend is an idiot and your Dad probably is too.
17. Ask for what you want. Subtle hints don't work.
18. No, we don't know what "special" day it is. We never will. Mark anniversaries on a calendar.
19. Yes, peeing standing up is more difficult than peeing from pointblank range. We're bound to miss sometimes.
20. Most guys own just two or three pairs of shoes - what makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with that dress?
21. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers.
22. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
23. Your Mom doesn't have to be our best friend.
24. Foreign films are best left to foreigners.
25. Check your oil.
26. Don't give us 50 rules when 25 will do.
27. Don't fake it. We'd rather be ineffective than deceived.
28. If you don't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.
29. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad and angry, we meant the other one.
30. Let us ogle. If we don't look at other women, how can we know how pretty you are?
31. Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come out.
32. You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done, don't try and do both.
33. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
34. Christopher Columbus didn't need directions, and we don't either.
35. Women wearing Wonder bras and low-cut blouses lose their right to complain about having their boobs stared at.
38. Consider golf a mini-vacation from you. We need it, just like you.
Now, I don't know about you guys, but I've never really paid too much attention to the sort of expressions shown here..although the first and last ones do seem a little familiar.....speaking of which, must just have a scratch!!!!
Some things that we all have to say on occassion
There are times when you have to resist the urge to reach out and throttle some poor bastard who's pissing you off. To help you get over this instant, here is a collection of possible responses to their annoying questions
1. I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow, isn't looking good either.
2. I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.
3. Am I getting smart with you? How would you know?
4. I'd explain it to you, but your brain would explode.
5. Someday we'll look back on all this and plow into a parked car.
6. There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a suitable application of high explosives.
7. Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it.
8. Accept that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue.
9. Ladies....Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he isn't there the first time you need him, chances are you won't be needing him again.
10. I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.
11. Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, "Where the heck is the ceiling?!"
12. On the great keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.
13. I don't suffer from stress. I'm a carrier.
14. You're slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.
15. Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, 'cuz, like, you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup.
16. Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.
17. Follow your dream! Unless it's the one where you're at work in your underwear during a fire drill.
18. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.
19. If you always take time to stop and smell the roses, sooner or later you're gonna inhale a bee.
20. If you don't like my driving, don't call anyone. Just take another road. That's why the highway department made so many of them.
21. If a motorist cuts you off, just turn the other cheek. Nothing gets the message across like a good mooning.
22. When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbour's dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself.
23. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal the neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
24. Each day I try to enjoy something from each of the four food groups: the bonbon group, the salty-snack group, the caffeine group, and the "whatever-the-thing-in-the-tinfoil-in-the-back-of-the-fridge-is" group.
25. Into every life some rain must fall. Usually when your car windows are down.
A collection of quick fire gags for you, If there is a group of people who I haven't managed to offend yet, hang on and I'll get around to you eventually.
And finally
At least on this page cos it's getting way too big
What is the leading cause of death with lesbians?
Hair balls.
What can Life Savers do that men cannot?
Come in five flavors
What is good on pizza but bad on pussy?
Crust
Why does Miss Piggy douche with honey?
Because Kermit likes sweet and sour pork
How can you tell if you have a high sperm count?
If your girlfriend chews before swallowing
What do you get when you get Raggedy Ann and the Pillsbury Dough Boy together?
A red headed bitch with a yeast infection
How do you piss off Winnie The Pooh?
By sticking your finger in his honey
What is the ultimate rejection?
When your masturbating and your hand falls asleep
What did Bill Clinton say to Monica?
I told you to lick my erection, not wreck my election.
What does pizza delivery man and a gynecologist have in common?
Both can smell it but can't eat it
What do you call a blonde with pigtails?
A blow job with handle bars
What do you get when you mix a rooster with a telephone pole?
A 30ft cock that wants to reach out and touch someone.
What do you call a virgin on a waterbed?
A cherry float.
What did the sign on the door of the whorehouse say?
Beat IT - we're closed.
Why do walruses go to Tupperware parties?
To find a tight seal.
What do you do with 365 used rubbers?
Melt them down, make a tire, and call it a Goodyear.
What's the difference between sin and shame?
It is a sin to put it in, but it's a shame to pull it out.
What's the speed limit of sex?
68; at 69 you have to turn around.
Why did Raggedy Ann get thrown out of the toy box?
She kept sitting on Pinocchio's face, and moaning, "Lie to me!"
Why is air a lot like sex?
Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.
Why did Frosty the Snowman pull down his pants?
He heard the snow blower coming.
Why are Monica Lewinsky's cheeks so puffy?
She's withholding evidence
What's the difference between light and hard?
You can sleep with a light on.
Why do women rub their eyes when they get out of bed?
Because they don't have balls to scratch.
Why is sex like a bridge game?
You don't need a partner if you have a good hand.
What do a Christmas tree and a priest have in common?
Their balls are just for decoration.
Links to other parts of my site
If you do like it, enjoy ........