Some times in my life,

I’ve looked beyond my eyes

Reflected on a train window

And tried to hear the peculiar landscape

Rushing past, like a screaming child,

Senselessly running, trampling over

What it wanted to say.

And in my hurry, I’ve let it go.

Some times in my life,

It gets hard to let things go.

It is the moment when my fingers

Clasped the cold steel rail

As I watched the coast and the North Sea

Senselessly strike and retreat.

The hardest grasp, just as

With my numbed fingers, I’ve let it go.

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If I could collect all those moments

In my life, when I let go,

There would be a wall of things

That took thirty years to build.

Longer than the pyramids took,

But just as lonely and strange.

And so I could say to you:

I am not what you had hoped for

Not what you wanted for your life

I am not what I wanted

For my life.

We are different

And we don’t understand that.

Only if I could tell you that.

I could say to you that:

You are my last hope

Last hope for reason and sanity

My one desperation.

And when we finally meet

I am hoping that you will explain

What I have struggled to hold on to

These thirty years.

I could say to you:

That I betrayed you

That I took cash over gold.

And that I am sorry

And that my distance is in the miles of regret

That is left of our love.

Funny how something in passing

Has become so real and for so long.

And I could tell you:

That I love you, here and now

Without reason, limits,

Without art or words or ends.

I love you, without hope

Of creation or victory.

I love you,

Although you have let it go.

And I could say so much

All that my years have taken from me.

Maybe time would have said something else

As I go in silence

Into a cold morning by the Thames or the Seine

I am thirty today.

And what I wanted to say

In my hurry, I have let it go.