Realizations

Title:Realizations

Author: Dark Childe

Rating: PG 13

Disclaimer: I own nothing. Joss, ME, and many other individuals and corporate entities own it all. No profit is made. No copyright infringement is intended.

Distribution: All list archives, UCSL, Fanfiction.net, anyone else wants it just ask.

Spoilers: AU S6. Riley left shortly after his operation, so he could be useful, have a purpose. Tara has left Willow to pursue an academic opportunity. No Buffy/Spike weirdness ever happened.

Summary: Spike and Angel talk, finally.

Feedback: Yes please. It's great stuff, and addictive. Thank You. - darkchilde78@hotmail.com or princess220@alltel.net

Willow pulled back from Spike's embrace. "Why, what do you love about me?" This wasn't an idle question, in order for Willow to believe that Spike truly did love her, she needed to here him explain it. How else would she be able to believe it.

Spike held the fragile young woman tightly against his chest. "I love everything about you, love. You are beautiful beyond belief. I love your strength. I love your intelligence. I love that fire that you hide away, underneath all of the good girl trappings. And most of all I love your innocence. Your undying belief, in the good of the world. I love that, because you can almost make me believe in it too. It's been a very long time, since I believed in anything other than pain and struggle. I love you, because you love me, even though I don't deserve it. You are a goddess. I thought that Dru was, but I was wrong, she's so very little compared to you. And most of all, I love you, because even though you are all these things, you don't realize it." He spoke softly, his words carrying the conviction of his love. She may never believe the words he said, but surely she could not deny the love that emanated from them.

Willow listened with wonder. She couldn't understand, how Spike believed all of those things of her, but he did, and he loved her. She loved him too. All of her love was reflected in her eyes as she watched him.

Breaking their moment, Xander came back out from the kitchen, having had a short snack. "Well, hallelujah, it looks like you two finally gave in to reality. I was beginning to wonder if I would have to lock the two of you in a closet or something." Xander spoke in his typical joking voice. He was happy for his best friend and his sire, now if only they could all get deadboy to stop moping, life, or rather un-life, would be good.

"Show some respect for your elders childe." Spike said rather playfully to his only childe.

"Sure, Spike, hey if you and Willow get together, does that make her like my mom, because that would just be too weird." Xander sounded almost like his old self, something that happened far to seldom since he was turned.

Spike laughed, and Willow giggled. "Maybe she could keep you in line. No she won't be like your mother or anything. She'll be my mate, that's enough. Now be a good boy and let us have a little time."

"Oh, no. Angel will be walking through that door any minute now, and I can't wait to see his reaction to this. I won't be going anywhere, until it's all over thank you very much." Xander truly did want to see the other vampire's reaction to Spike and Willow apparently being together. He'd definitely picked up on the competitiveness between Angel and Spike for Willow's affections. Nope, this was a scene he wouldn't miss for the world.

"Whelp's right about one thing, Angel will be back soon. We should be prepared to talk to him. He'll have something to say about this I'm sure." Spike sobered as he remembered the imminent return of his sire. He'd lost everyone he had ever loved to his sire, it would not happen again. He would not allow it.

The three of them moved into the living room to wait for Angel's return. Xander sat in a chair in the corner, inconspicuous, hoping to simply observe. He wanted to watch the fireworks, but didn't want to get burned by them himself. Willow and Spike sat on the couch in the middle of the room, Spike with an arm around Willow's shoulders and one of her small hands held in his own. They didn't have long to wait, barely ten minutes later Angel opened the door to Willow's house. He walked in took one look at Willow and Spike and knew what had happened.

Angel's voice was soft, but there was an edge to it, a low rumbling growl, "Spike, Willow I take it you have something to tell me."

Spike was about to speak, but Willow gave him a look telling him he had better back down. He did and she spoke, "Angel, Spike told me tonight that he loves me. I don't know how or why, but he does. Somewhere along the way, I fell in love with him too. I don't want you to have a problem with this. Please, can't you just be happy for us." Her tone was pleading.

"Willow, I want you to be happy, I do. I want you to know love. I just don't think that Spike is capable of making you happy. He's never had a functional relationship. I just want what's best for you." Angel used an equally pleading tone with her. Couldn't she see just how wrong his headstrong childe was for her. What relationship had he ever had that ended happily. There was no way that good could come of this.

"Oh, give it up, Peaches. You lost. Don't you get it. She loves me, me. This is different, because everyone else didn't love me. They loved you. My big relationship, well I guess that was Dru wasn't it. Were we happy of course not, but it wasn't because I didn't try. I loved her. But I was just a poor substitute for you. And who was the only other creature I've loved in my whole existence, ironically enough, that was you. And I didn't turn you away. I never did anything to destroy that relationship, you did it all by yourself. You don't have that power here. I'm in love with the girl, and she's in love with me. You can't take her, she's mine." Spike had stood, and somewhere in the middle of this speech his vampiric face had appeared. He was angry and hurt. All the rage and pain against his sire, that he had suppressed for a century came flooding to the surface.

Angel was startled by the heat, the fire in Spike's voice. Always before he'd expressed his anger coldly. Angel could feel the pain coming off of him in waves. He had expected a confrontation over this, but he had not expected this. He wasn't sure how to respond. So for a moment he remained silent.

Willow stood, and moved to Spike's side. She rubbed soothing circles on his back, and spoke to him in low tones. No one else in the room could even make out what she was saying. Whatever she did, it worked. The stiffness left Spike's body, and soon his vampire visage, faded back into his human face. He took a step back, and wrapped himself around the small form of Willow. When he was calm again, she spoke. "Angel, I want you to talk to him, really talk to him. Don't put on that cold emotionless voice of yours. Tell him what you think, what you feel. If you don't talk to him I will, and I don't think you want me to do that." Her voice was firm. She was back in command. Behind that voice was her own fear. Fear that her new love would be unable to look beyond what had happened in his past, unable to set aside the pain there. And also fear that she would lose him, lose him to his other great love. She loved him with all of her heart and soul, so she looked past those fears to force Angel into discussion, a discussion that might very well result in her losing the one she loved.

Angel had to respond to her. He couldn't ignore the command that she used. God, he wondered at the fact that she had never been turned. She would have been a magnificent vampire. He wondered that he himself had not turned her, when Angelus had control. But he had always dismissed her power, and seen only her innocence. He took a deep breath and stood. Finally he spoke, allowing the emotions he had always hid from his childe to suffuse his words.

"Spike, I have never intended to hurt you. Wait that's not really true, I've done things to hurt you since the night you were turned, and I did most of them intentionally. But never with my soul, have I willingly caused you pain. As Angelus, I was confused by my feeling for you, and I was afraid of you. Vampires were not supposed to feel the things I felt, we weren't supposed to care about the other. We were supposed to take pleasure in each other certainly, but we weren't supposed to care more about giving pleasure. You made me want to protect you from everything. You made me want to provide you with endless pleasure. I couldn't, I wasn't equipped to handle feelings like those. I know you don't believe that, you always were able to feel such things. You wanted to protect Dru. You wanted to love, not just take pleasure. Maybe it was because of the person you were before, maybe it's because of the way Dru sired you. I've never known, but you were different from me, different from Darla, different from every other vampire I've ever known. So I took my confusion out on you. I treated you badly, and intentionally caused you pain. Only to be more confused when you crawled back to me, still wanting to love and give love.

And I was scared of you. I was frightened of the control you held over yourself, and over me. Never in my time as a vampire, not even now, not even with the soul, have I had as much control over my demon as you do. You choose, what you do, the demon does not. I make those choices now, but I have to fight every instant to maintain that control. Maybe you choose to give in to the demon, but it has always been your choice. I have never had that type of control, the fact that you, my grand childe did frightened me. And the control you held over me frightened me. Some days, all it took was a look from you, and I would do anything. Oh, I know that I denied you a lot of things, but every time I did, it was to prove to myself that I could, and it was difficult to do it. You were my truest companion. My only equal, and I was scared of you. I was scared of myself. So I caused you pain, I hurt you intentionally trying to stop my own fear and confusion. It didn't work. Every time, I loved you more surely, more completely, when you returned than I had when I drove you away.

I have always loved you. I love you still, but when Angelus was here last, he managed to finally do what he tried to for so long, to break you completely. To turn your love to hatred. I know that I will never again be able to touch you, to love you, and I know that it's my fault. No one else holds responsibility for that. I did all by myself. I can't hurt you anymore. I can't make myself do it, so if Willow is what will make you happy, and she is willing, then I will not stand in your way. Just please, remember how you love, and not the things I taught you over the years. Please, don't hurt her, like I hurt you." By the time he finished speaking, tears were running down his face. These were words he should have spoken years ago, but he never could. He couldn't until Willow forced him, and even now, he couldn't bare to look at Spike. He didn't think he could handle seeing the hate, the disgust that must be present in Spike's eyes.

What he didn't see and so couldn't know was that no such emotion was visible in Spike. He was shocked. He had come to believe a great many things about his relationship with his sire, both as Angel and as Angelus. None of them were the things that Angel was now telling him were true. He had been treated so harshly in the beginning. He had never believed that Angelus had loved him. He believed that Angelus used him as it pleased him, just as he did the rest of their family. Oh he knew that he was given some special status in the family, but he always assumed it was because aside from Penn he was the only male, and Penn left them so frequently. And as Angel, he had always assumed his sire had hated him. He assumed that Angel hated him because of what he represented, hated him, because of what he made him remember. And there was that voice, the cold emotionless voice that seemed almost reserved for him. His world was being turned upside down. He no longer had a point of reference from which to work. He sat back down on the couch, his redhead, still wrapped around him, and his only words were, "I think I need a drink."

Angel startled, looked up. He could see the emotions flickering across his expressive childe's face. Fear, pain, and quite a little bit of anger, but no hatred, no disgust. He was shocked now also. So he responded quietly, "Yeah, me too."

Xander got up quietly and went to fix drinks for all of them. He knew that he could use one after witnessing that emotional scene, and he was sure, that Willow could as well. When he returned both vampires were in the same positions they were when they left. It was as though they were frozen in that space. He went to each of them and handed them a glass. "Here Angel, I didn't know what you drink, so I just brought you the same as Spike, JD straight up, chilled but no ice. Hope it's okay. Willow, I got us each something to drink too. Come on hon, come in and get it from the kitchen with me." He wanted to get Willow out of there. He knew there was more stuff to come, but Willow didn't need to be present for all of it.

Willow nodded, and stood up, brushing a kiss across Spike's forehead, before she followed Xander into the kitchen. "Thanks Xan. I think I needed to get out of there and just breathe for a minute." She told him quietly. Xander had already fixed drinks for them. Jack and Coke, nothing he would have ever tried without the influence of his sire, but it tasted good, and could be made strong or weak to taste. He'd made fairly strong drinks for both himself and Willow.

"I know Wills. It will be okay you know. I don't know what's going to happen in there, but the one thing I'm sure of is that we will all survive it." Xander used his own peculiar brand of reassurance. As always it worked with Willow.

"Thanks Xander. I needed that." Willow quietly accepted her friends support.

In the other room both Spike and Angel had finished their drinks quickly. They watched each other, neither wanting to speak next. Both of them felt like their worlds had been flipped around. They were unsure what to do or say. Finally Spike broke the silence.

"Angel, do you have any idea how long, I've lived with the fact that you hated me. I believed it. I understood it. I knew it to be true. First I believed it because you had abandoned me. How could you abandon me unless you hated me. Then later, when I found out about the soul, I understood. You hated me because, I represented all of the things you had done. You hated me, because you made me what I am, and you hated what I am. Now, you're sitting here telling me that none of that is true. Why? Why didn't you ever tell us? Why didn't you ever even act like you cared? No every time I've talked to you since you got that damnable soul, you've used that cold voice. The one I was sure no one with a soul could have. The one that says you felt no emotion. Why, did you use that voice with me? I hate that voice, I always have." The pain and anger were still there. Spike's voice was raw with emotion. But it had changed, it was no longer a need to dominate, to prove himself. Now it was simply a need to understand the pain. A need to know why it had all been necessary.

"I was sure you hated me, and why shouldn't you have hated me. As Angelus I had done nothing but cause you pain, and as Angel, I had abandoned you. I didn't want to be rejected, to have you put me through the same pain that I had caused you. I didn't want you to hear my emotions, because I didn't want you to be able to use them against me, and I was sure you would. Were we really both wrong?" Angel's voice held an edge of desperation. Was it possible that Cordelia and Willow were right, had he been wrong for all of these years?

"Yeah, I guess we were. So what happens now?" Spike spoke softly, a little bit lost.

"I don't know. You love Willow, so at least that happens from here. I don't know what happens to us. I guess we'll just have to wait and see." Angel sounded tired. He'd learned far too much tonight, and dawn was coming.

"Yeah, I guess so."

"I'm tired. I'm going to bed." Angel got up and left the room.

Spike went into the kitchen looking for his childe and his love. "Pets, It's nearly dawn, I think we could all use some rest. Willow luv, stay with me tonight, please. Nothing has to happen, I just want you to be with me." Spike spoke with love for both of them.

"You can stay with me tonight, Spike. Xander would probably like the opportunity to sleep alone for a change anyway. Tonight we just hold each other, okay. Just to know we're there, and we aren't going anywhere." Willow sounded much more self-assured than she felt. She wanted Spike, and loved Spike, but she did not want anything to happen with Spike, until after he had sorted out his feelings for his sire. She had to know where he stood with Angel before she could build her own relationship with him.

TBC

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