Title: Descent - This Sweet Madness
Author: SES
Rating: No worse than the show itself.
Disclaimer: All the characters and settings belong to Joss and his employers. I have borrowed them and promise not to misuse them too badly. It's all done in the best possible taste. I also do not own the various song lyrics and poems scattered about the story.
Archive: No problem, but please tell me first so I can see my name in lights.
Spoilers: Up to the end of season 2 with elements of season 3.
Summary: This picks up where season 2 left off and is an alternate season 3. Nothing wrong with the real thing, but I wrote this after watching Dead Man's Party and wanted to take it further.
Feedback: Yes please. - Simon@jasminect.freeserve.co.uk
Chapter One - Icarus Falling
Towards the end of what had been a very pleasant day the park was still full of people. By the man made lake children threw stones at a paper sail boat. They made mock bomb noises at each strike. Laughter could be heard nearby from a group of teenage girls discussing the attributes of the park gardener as he leant forward to pick up litter. From their giggles they were apparently impressed. A man in a suit, walking and reading the evening paper at the same time bumped into a young couple who were equally engrossed in something other than watching where they were going. Numerous couples, groups and individuals passed through the park on their way to or from somewhere. The evening was very pleasant and none were in any hurry and each were in their own little world of contentment or concern. No one noticed or seemed to at any rate, the girl sitting on one of benches that lined the path. No one saw her weeping uncontrollably into her hands that concealed her face. The slight breeze catching her blonde hair.
"This is getting embarrassing." Buffy said at last out loud to herself as she brought her grief in to check.
She wiped her eyes and blew her nose on a handkerchief. Standing up with a determined effort she surveyed the passers-by, allowing only brief glimpses at each. Holding no longer on any one individual than any other except, perhaps the young couple as they walked through the park gates. Finding that her surroundings were now becoming scarce of people Buffy stepped on to the path to continue her journey to work at the restaurant a mile or so from the park. She then realised she was not alone any more. Kendra stood on one side of her. Jenny the other. Buffy, for a moment, thought she was dead herself. Abroad in a LA park.
"Tears are a sign of weakness," commented Kendra. Buffy had missed her accent.
"They get in the way of priorities," added the vision of Jenny.
"They are method of avoiding them even."
"Typical really. We shouldn't be surprised I suppose."
"All emotion and no sense of duty. Not killing Angelus the first time she had a chance being a prime example."
Buffy visibly flinched at the last remark "Make your point. Give your message and leave me alone." She had been plagued by ghosts or visions, she did not know which, ever since she had left Sunnydale. She closed her eyes, fist clenched as though mentally willing the apparitions to vanish. When she opened her eyes they were still there, either side of her.
"Your responsibilities lie back in Sunnydale."
"Your friends need you."
"Enough!" Buffy yelled. "Look, will you two at least stand next to each other. I'm getting tennis watcher's neck tooing and throwing between you." Kendra and Jenny co-operated and stood to one side of Buffy. She looked momentarily surprised. "Now go away." They remained.
"I knew that was too good to be true." Buffy sighed and started to walk again. The sun was nearly down and Buffy knew she would be late for work at this rate.
"That's right. Ignore us. Ignore your responsibility. Think about yourself and no one else," Kendra mocked. Buffy kept walking.
"If you were who you profess to be you wouldn't be talking to me like that."
"You want us to be nice," Jenny said with venom in her voice "We're dead because of you remember. Your boyfriend snapped my neck or had you forgotten?" Buffy let out an involuntary sigh at that and stopped walking.
"You are not real," she said with only half determination. The ghosts dissipated and were gone. She resumed her journey. "All I want is a normal life," she said out loud to herself.
"That's a high ambition for a slayer." Buffy turned around to see who had spoken. She saw Theresa sitting on a bench she had just passed.
"Be careful Buffy not to fly too close to the Sun," she added and similarly left the scene.
Buffy looked at the vacant bench. "I'd be happy to just catch a glimpse," she said finally.
She exited the park trying not to think about the last few minutes. If they were not true ghosts of her friends, she thought, did that mean she was crazy? She realised that she really did not care either way. Since the night Angel had died. Since she had killed him. Buffy could not summon any enthusiasm for anything other than getting through each day. Each day, she thought, distanced her from that moment as though time was like covering miles of a journey. The further time elapsed the more distance covered until the moment would disappear over the horizon as Sunnydale had on that coach journey weeks before.
A normal life was impossible, she knew. Since she had been in Los Angeles she had nightly slain countless vampires. She had in fact never been more in demand and was getting tired at the effort. They seemed to travel in groups of three or four and each night she was less sure of seeing dawn. Again, she really did not care.
Suddenly someone grabbed her from behind and pulled her into an alley off to one side. Buffy spun round on impulse only to receive a painful blow to the side of her head that sent her falling back on to the hard ground. The back of her head hit the floor causing her vision to go cloudy. The assailant was on top of her quickly and pinned her arms with his legs.
"Hello little girl," he said mockingly. A calmness suddenly came over Buffy. Though she was weak from nights of slaying and lack of sleep, she knew she could throw off this demon but, she could not bring forth any desire to do so.
"Don't worry," she said in a quiet almost reassuring voice. "I won't struggle." She turned her head to one side offering her neck to be taken in to oblivion. After all, she thought, living in exile is just another way of dying.
"Oh don't say that little girl," the man said "It's more fun when they struggle." Buffy remained silent and still. She closed her eyes to prevent any tears from spoiling the moment. When oblivion did not arrive, she opened her eyes in horror.
"What are you doing!" she screamed.
"Oh come on little girl. You're not that innocent," he sneered.
Realisation hit Buffy like a tangible force. "You're not a vampire!" she yelled and began to struggle violently. The man, however, struck her harder than before, his fist clenched, that sent her half unconscious.
That evening, having gone to her apartment to get changed, Buffy was late for work at the restaurant. Despite that, she got away with just a stern lecture from the manager and agreed to work an extra hour after closing to help clear up. The evening spent serving customers went quickly and soon Buffy was in her bed and dead to the world until shortly after dawn when she awoke screaming.
Day followed night followed day. Buffy followed a set routine of work, rest slay and work. She puzzled over why she kept up the slaying. Probably a sense of guilt at ignoring her calling. She convinced herself that was the reason. That she could not sit behind a closed door all night when innocents were falling victim to demons outside. However, she also saw the futility of it. Surely the slaughter had been going on for centuries, including the time she had spent in Sunnydale. Ultimately, it gave her life meaning, or, at any rate, occupied her mind before she had to surrender to sleep.
A week after the attack in the alley Buffy found herself walking through the park at midnight after work and on her way back to her apartment. It had been a particularly irritating evening with awkward customers making un realistic demands on her and her colleagues. One diner, who had drunk too much, had slapped her behind. She had lashed out and nearly broken his nose. She was fired instantly. She was, therefore, insanely pissed off. Any vampire that dared to challenge the slayer this night was in for a hard time. Despite her appearance, the vampire that did dare was not deterred. Buffy regarded her challenger with the eyes of a hunter standing over its prey.
"Oh good," she said gleefully, "I was so hoping to kill something tonight."
The demon in human form was not perturbed by her remark.
"You must be the new slayer who has been whittling away at the undead in this city," he sneered, "It's been a long time since I drained a slayer. This time I think I'll kill rather than convert. The last slayer I converted became rather tiresome. You know? too clingy and possessive. She rather cramped my style."
Buffy looked at him humorously. "You know some day I must check just how many slayers there have been. I've lost count how many vamps I've dusted who claim to have killed one."
"Watch learn and die slayer."
"Yadda yadda yadda," she mocked and high kicked the vampire in the chin when he got close enough. He stumbled back but remained on his feet and was able to make a quick response of ramming Buffy in to the nearby bushes.
As they both fell with the momentum of the charge, Buffy rolled back and flipped the demon over her head into more bushes. These were full of thorns and it took him precious seconds to extricate himself. Just enough time for Buffy to make up the distance between them and lunge with the stake she had taken from the inside pocket of her jacket.
In the split second she drove the stake into the vampire's heart she caught the glint of metal out of the corner of her eye. A knife held in his left hand. The foe turned to dust but, for some reason, the metal did not drop to the ground. For a moment Buffy was puzzled at this until she realised that the blade was firmly lodged in her right side, just below her ribs.
"Oh dear," she said matter of factly, "Now that can't be good." Pain finally registered above adrenaline and Buffy crumpled on the spot.
About suffering they were never wrong,
The Old Masters: how well they understood
Its human position; how it takes place
While someone else is eating or opening a window or just
Walking dully along;
How, when the aged are reverently, passionately waiting
For the miraculous birth, there always must be
Children who did not specially want it to happen, skating
On a pond at the edge of the wood:
They never forgot
That even the dreadful martyrdom must run its course
Anyhow in a corner, some untidy spot
Where the dogs go on with their doggy life and the torturer's horse
Scratches its innocent behind on a tree.
In Brueghel's Icarus, for instance: how everything turns away
Quite leisurely from the disaster; the plowman may
Have heard the splash, the forsaken cry,
But for him it was not an important failure; the sun shone
As it had to on the white legs disappearing into the green
Water; and the expensive delicate ship that must have seen
Something amazing, a boy falling out of the sky,
Had somewhere to get to and sailed calmly on.
(Musee des Beaux Arts - WH Auden)
Chapter Two - A Place to Rest
The teenager sat on her hands under the bus shelter. Her legs swinging back and forth. This was matched by her companion pacing pass her, left to right and back again.
"Xander. You're making me nauseous." Willow said.
"Now Willow. Don't try and sweet talk me or Oz will get jealous. I really don't want to make Oz jealous. Believe me."
Willow smiled. Xander was briefly mesmerised. Why had he never noticed how her smile could light up a dark place?
"You're afraid of my boyfriend. That's so cool."
"Yea, well you're afraid of my girlfriend." He said defensively.
Willow laughed. "Xander. You're afraid of your girlfriend."
"You've never been shut in a broom cupboard with her as often as I have."
"I'd rather not know much more than that please." Willow turned up her nose at the thought. "Mind you," she added, "there was this one time..."
They talked some more. Both avoided the reason they were at the bus station in the first place. Since Buffy had left Sunnydale the gang had taken turns to both stand vigil against her possible return; to act as a kind of greeting party and, to later maintain a vampire watch. Both tasks had proven unsuccessful; no Buffy, no vampire kills. The latter was not for the want of trying, however.
"It's time we set off for the cemetery," Xander said finally. The sun was going down. Willow sighed and remained seated.
"I don't know why we bother hunting," she sulked. "We never make a kill."
"Yea but Wills, we made progress the other night. That vampire ran away from your stern look."
"No he didn't. He just felt sorry for me and did it to make me feel good."
Xander smiled. "Just think though. When you're an old lady and your grandchildren ask what you did when you were young. You can say you hunted demons to make the world a safer place and they'll look at you as a cool old lady." He started to walk to the station exit. Willow stood up.
"Yea. That would be cool. But Xander." He was still walking away. "Xander."
He turned round. "Suppose they don't ask?"
"Then you can still tell them anyway. Repeatedly. Like only a grandmother can."
Xander resumed walking. "Anyway, we have to put on the appearance that there is someone here to keep them in check."
In truth they were not making much impact at all. Instances of disappearances and raids on blood banks had increased over the past few weeks. Reports of gangs of violent, drug influenced youths attacking people at night was becoming the norm.
Xander stopped walking and turned round. Willow had not made up the distance between them. He was about to say something when he noticed that she was staring transfixed in another direction. He followed the line of sight and noticed the bus that had just arrived. It was the last one that evening. They would normally have waited for it to empty.
"Willow. Come on. It'll be the same as last night and the night before..." he stopped in mid conversation as he saw a petite blonde girl beginning to descend the steps of the bus. Willow turned to him. She did not say anything as no words were necessary. Xander walked up to her and let her put her arm round him.
Buffy reached the bottom step and put her right foot on the tarmac. Her leg gave way and she stumbled to the ground. The next passenger followed her off the bus and offered a helping hand.
"Now that's got to have been embarrassing," Xander commented.
"Which is a good job we didn't see it."
Buffy let the woman help her to her feet and made a faint smile of gratitude. She looked round at her surroundings, not noticing Willow and Xander in the shadows of the shelters, and slowly made her way to the exit. She looked round a few times to check that no one was following and, when at the gates, made an equally cautious approach before walking on to the road from behind the station wall.
Xander and Willow silently decided to follow and watch rather than run and hug Buffy. They sensed that she did not want to be found yet. They hurried to the exit so as not to miss her. However, they found that she had not got far. They thought that Buffy was heading towards the cemetery. But when she walked past the gates to the graveyard and sat on a nearby bench they decided to approach her. They made up the distance between them and slowly walked up behind Buffy.
"Buffy?" Willow said quietly so as not to startle her friend.
The approach did not work, however; Buffy leapt up and stepped back from them. Leaving just enough distance between them to be able to make whatever physical response was necessary. After long seconds she realised who was before her.
"Shit. You scared the living daylights out of me." Buffy visibly relaxed her stance but kept her distance.
"Hi Buffy. How's life kicking?" Xander said matter of factly.
"It's good to see you Buffy," Willow added with more feeling.
"Fine and ditto," Buffy responded in turn to her friends.
There followed an awkward silence. Once again it was Willow who eventually filled it.
"We saw you get off the bus and... followed you." Willow looked sheepish "We didn't know whether to call out or not as you appeared occupied in thought" she added quickly.
"I was... yes I was definitely occupied in thought," she said, putting on a smile.
"Where are you headed?" Willow asked.
"I... I have to do something. I was just thinking what sort of approach I should make when you jumped me," she added the last bit to cover her hesitation.
Willow tried to look as though she were making everyday conversation. Such as between friends who had seen each other every day as opposed to those who had been apart for weeks. "Can we come along?" she asked bringing Xander into the conversation.
Buffy looked briefly panicked but hid it straight away. "No. No that's ok but I have to do this myself."
"Hey we could be of assistance," Xander added. Willow looked at him sardonically. As if they could be of any practical help!
"Well we could be moral support then," he offered.
"No, honestly guys... I need to go alone. It could be dangerous and I... In fact I really should be going now and you should go in the opposite direction. You know? guilty by association etc."
"But, we haven't seen you for so long and besides" Willow looked at Xander, "We have been practising... you'll be surprised how effective we are."
Buffy began to look desperate. "Please... look I have to go now. Stay away and I'll fill you in tomorrow." She edged backwards from them and stumbled slightly.
"Now you're scaring me... a lot." Willow said and made to approach Buffy.
"Yeah and then some," Xander added.
"Well you don't have to be here. I crept out for a reason," Buffy said desperately.
Willow and Xander looked questionably.
"Take a hint already!"
Willow looked pained and Xander annoyed, "Buffy don't cut us out. Not again. You're not invincible."
"Loneliness can kill just as surely." Willow added.
"That's right."
"Granted." admitted Buffy, "But there's less blood and gore involved."
She looked blankly at the space between them and spoke to it as though thinking out aloud.
"Everyone I get close to either dies or betrays me or grows to hate me. Scott, Angel, Jenny, Kendra... mom." she listed as though reciting a litany.
"What are you afraid we will do?" Willow asked, concern clearly written on her face.
Xander was not so understanding, "Yea. What heading do we come under?" he said with a little heat behind it. "Or should I take a hint?"
"Do you really need to ask that?" Buffy looked genuinely hurt and Xander felt bad in return. "I would die for you both," she continued glassy eyed. Her right arm held tightly to her stomach at the emphasising of the word die. "You must know that."
"Buffy don't," Willow wanted to hold her.
"I would give my soul for you. Second only to my mom you are what makes my whole shitty life bearable. It would just be more bearable if I knew you were behind your front doors where I know no demons are invited." Her voice took on a desperate tone. "I live in constant fear of losing you. I couldn't..." she stopped not daring perhaps to tempt fate further. She looked at the floor visibly trembling.
"Hey," said Xander attempting to lighten the mood, "you're not normally so glass half empty. Where's that smile in the face of adversity we've all come to know?" As he said it he lifted Buffy's chin.
Buffy looked at him in disbelief, missing Xander's attempt at levity or perhaps resentful of it.
"Damn you. Damn you," she said again but with more heat to her voice. "Where is it written that I must be universally the life and soul? I'm fed up with being the life and soul. Just because you don't see the "tracks of tears" doesn't mean I'm smoking. I'm miserable and sad and depressed and lonely and... so tired."
She backed into the wall and lowered herself to the ground. She pulled her knees up to her body and keened slowly and near silently. "So tired."
Willow had stood silently. Too shocked at having been witness to her friend's gradual yet, at the same time, sudden breakdown in front of her eyes. She lowered herself to Buffy's eyelevel and took her hands into her own.
"We'll go home."
"Like hell we will," Xander walked round to face Willow.
"We will go home" Willow repeated looking at him but not relinquishing her hold of Buffy, who had laid her head on her knees and was looking off to one side as if oblivious to her surroundings.
"Buffy has a job to do and she'll do it better knowing we are safe. For peace of mind alone she can act better in that knowledge."
Xander rubbed his eyes.
"Ok Willow, I concede the point, but... in this instance we can't leave Buffy. I mean look at her. She couldn't defend herself in this state. I'm willing to bet that if we come back tomorrow morning she'll still be sitting here."
Willow couldn't help but admit he was right.
"Buffy. Let us take you home."
"I can't go home."
"Why not Buff. Your mom will be relieved to see you. She took your leaving hard."
"Not yet. Please willow."
"We'll go to Giles then," Xander suggested.
"Buffy?" Willow tried to get eye contact with her.
Buffy nodded and allowed Willow to help her stand. Xander went to take her other hand but Buffy flinched back against the wall, her eyes with a look of fear that would have hurt his feelings if confusion had not hit first. Willow led the way and Xander kept an awkward distance to the rear.
They made slow progress to Giles'. Buffy did not seem in a hurry and several times stopped for a rest which further convinced her friends that they were right to have followed her earlier that night. She never spoke. They finally reached Giles' house after what seemed an age. It took almost as long to get the Watcher to come to the door. Willow held back a laugh when Giles appeared in a tweed dressing gown.
"Willow this had better be urgent... although I hope not serious of course," his mind eventually registered Buffy.
"Hello Giles. Nice dressing gown," she said but with tired smile on her face.
"Buffy... a... yes of course... um all of you go in to the living room and sit down." He felt unable to bring forth anything more emotional despite having rehearsed in private for just such an occasion.
Giles entered the room to find Buffy sitting in the corner of his sofa legs up and held to her body. Her small body frame made to look smaller by the pose and the size of the sofa itself. Clearly something was up as not even Xander appeared his animated self.
"It's good to see you again. How are you...?" he sighed. "I have numerous questions to ask which can all wait until later I suppose." He looked at Willow and with his eyes appealed to her for some guidance. Willow returned the gaze.
"Buffy didn't want to go straight home yet."
Giles looked back at Buffy and was relieved to see that she was asleep, lying foetus like.
"Willow w... when did she come back, why didn't you phone me and what is wrong?".
"Hey Giles... one w at a time." Xander interrupted, "We met at the bus station, by chance actually. Buffy got off a bus and sort of crept out of the station. I swear she would have hid in her own shadow if she could."
"But we followed her," Willow added slightly guilty.
"She acted strange from the offset; no smiles or fond reunion hugs. Almost as though she didn't want us to find her. My first thought was that she was somehow possessed or something."
Willow looked at Xander. "Did you think that as well? I wish you would have said as I was thinking the same."
"Yeah, well... I could hardly say it out loud. It's bad enough having my own mindset come up with such wacky thoughts without having them agreed with. Two years ago my thoughts didn't stray beyond... teenage things... boy teenage things... you must remember those things Giles."
"Yes... yes I think I can just about recall, thank you."
"Back on track please boys." Willow interrupted. "Buffy acted strange and we expressed our concerns and she exploded and... broke down. It was terrible Giles. I mean I've seen her distressed before but never to the point where I've feared leaving her alone."
The three friends were jolted out of there conversation by Buffy crying Angel's name out loud. Xander instinctively went to her side and put his arms around her shoulders.
"Oh Angel you're here. I'm so sorry but I had to do it. Please forgive me please." she keened.
Eventually Xander felt the weight or her body drag as he realised she had fallen back into deep sleep. He was reluctant, however to relinquish his hold despite the fact that he was there as a pseudo Angel. Finally, satisfied that she wasn't going to wake, he laid her down again.
"I think we can rule out possession." Giles said, "mental trauma seems more the problem... Xander, you're bleeding," he added suddenly.
Xander jumped up quickly and examined himself. Willow was at his side in an instant, concern on her face.
"Where...? Oh my... no wait a minute there's no wound. It's just on my shirt... ewww... where did it come from?"
"Oh no... Buffy." Giles noticed the origin of the blood.
They all looked down to see the large but previously unnoticed growing blood stain on Buffy's blouse. It having been obscured previously by her jacket which was equally covered on its lining. Once again Xander was at her side. He carefully lifted her blouse slightly to reveal a deep two inch wound below her right ribs. Willow gasped and Xander looked at Giles in the way a child looks to an adult for reassurance. When he didn't see the desired response he turned away quickly as if it would make it better. Suddenly Buffy woke up. She screamed and lashed out at the person who was holding her blouse, catching him a glancing blow to the head with her left hand that sent the man toppling backwards.
"Buffy!" Willow screamed.
But Buffy was on her feet and backing herself up to the door, which was closed.
"Don't any of you know the meaning of consent?" she shouted. "You're always touching... touching." At the same time she wiped her hands down her front frantically, making them worse in the process as they became coated in her own blood.
"It's bad enough that you all look at me... at my legs at my face... without you touching as well. I swore no-one would do that again..." She paused and the others were frozen as though under a spell.
"So much blood... that shocked me." She slowly started to wipe her hands again. Giles started to move towards her but was stopped by Buffy's sudden glare at him.
"The wound Buffy. How did you get the wound?". Willow asked hoping to steer the conversation to what was more important at this time.
Buffy looked down and calmly surveyed the mess that was her blouse and stomach, the two indistinguishable.
"I got careless... staked a demon without checking his hands first. Can I sit down Giles?" she asked politely, too politely, "My legs are getting a bit unsteady."
"We've got to get you to a hospital."
"No!" she cried. "No thank you," she added politely again.
"But you're seriously injured Buffy. Don't be silly" Xander tried to reason.
"Xander is right," agreed Giles, "you cannot stay here. You... you are obviously in serious danger..."
"I'm dying Giles... at least I... I would hate to think that all this pain is for nothing. Please Giles. I would really like to sit down."
Willow went to her side and led her back to the sofa and Buffy lowered herself down.
"Thank you."
"I'll go and boil some water to clean your wound," Willow offered.
"Yeah I'll... help Willow." Xander and Willow left the room.
Giles went to hold Buffy's hand but again thought better of it. He took his glasses off and rubbed his eyes.
"So hi Giles. What's been happening whilst the cat was away?"
"Oh nothing much. Not much activity actually although we all kept up patrols to put forward the appearance of vigilance. We didn't see that many vampires actually."
"Good. LA was... active. Perhaps they followed me. I've often thought it funny that I was called here when surely a larger population centre would have more need for protection."
"Buffy this is..." Giles floundered.
"Surreal?" Buffy offered.
"Why didn't you tell us about your injury?"
"Oh its not so bad... well... no that's a lie. It actually is bad. I honestly didn't think it would take this long though. My damn slayer strength kicking in to protect me. Three days I've been wandering around aimlessly. I've just had a thought," Buffy said suddenly going off track "I sent Angel to Hell. I mean there actually is a Hell right?"
Giles nodded in silence.
"That means there must actually be a Heaven... they sort of go as a set don't they? I wonder if I get an automatic pass or is there a middle ground that all past slayers have to reside for past mistakes made during their tenure." she paused and Giles did not feel able to fill it with anything meaningful.
"Willow and Xander are taking awhile... I guess that means the ambulance will be arriving soon huh?"
Giles nodded. "I'm sorry Buffy but you knew we couldn't watch you..."
"That's all right Rupert... I'm a little disappointed but don't worry... no harm done."
Her eyes closed
"Buffy...? Buffy!"
Chapter Three - Slip Sliding Away
Her eyes opened to daylight streaming through white blinds in a white room. Buffy wanted to cry at the injustice but held back her tears when she saw she was not alone.
"Hi, mom."
"Buffy... how are you?"
"I don't know... how am I?"
"The doctors said you had lost a lot of blood... too much to normally have been still alive but that you would actually pull through now a transfusion has been done."
"Right."
"Your special powers obviously kept you alive until you could get help."
"Yes." Buffy smiled. Special powers made her sound like Superwoman. She was not that strong but, she thought, at least I have better fashion sense.
"Are you coming back home?"
Buffy had to admire her mother's restraint. Offering her a choice rather than assuming. As though she had become a consenting adult over the summer break. It made her sad actually. Such recognition was normally strived for but some part of her still wanted to be comforted as a child. Innocence had sort of slipped her grasp.
"You mean you haven't rented my room out?" she quipped.
Joyce smiled.
"You know that I will have to continue my nightly patrols. It would be nice to be able to leave by the front door rather than the window. Don't look like that mom," she said when Joyce put on a pained expression. "After all, not many people can say they have a job for life... and I don't really have to make pension contributions."
"I think you deserve to be allowed to retire."
"Yeah, well the retirement plan isn't too attractive," she smiled. "I actually thought about it seriously yesterday."
Joyce raised her eyebrows in interest, missing the point. Giles obviously had not revealed everything.
"But I was brought back from the brink... from the brink of making that decision." she added quickly.
"Well I think you should seriously consider it."
Buffy did not respond. Fortunately, Xander and Willow entered the hospital room. Joyce stood to leave. She kissed Buffy on the forehead.
"I'll see you later." She took her hand in hers and gripped it gently. Buffy smiled her best smile.
Willow and Xander dragged chairs to her bed. Xander noisily.
"How are you feeling?" Willow asked.
"Sore... but peachy."
"We won't stay long. Just wanted to see you awake."
"Yeah, and we brought you some food... chocolate and pastry products. Hospital food can be so nourishing sometimes." Xander offered her a multipack of chocolate bars which Buffy noticed had already been opened.
She smiled again.
"Thank you... it was good of you both to come... I'm kind of tired at the moment."
Willow stood up "Oh... of course you are... we'll come back another time. Your mom should really be allowed more privacy with you."
"Goodbye guys," Buffy said.
With the room empty Buffy allowed a tear to track its way down her cheek.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
It was another hot sunny day in the aptly named Sunnydale. Giles stubbornly wore his tweed suit despite the humidity. He missed the variety of English weather. When it rained in California, he thought, it really pissed down. He smiled to himself at his use of the expletive. He recalled using the same word in the library in front of Xander and Willow. Their shocked expressions were priceless. Giles never swore of course. It was good to take them unawares.
He was approaching Buffy's house and now he really did want to swear. He truly wanted to see Buffy but, knew he had to get through her mother first. Joyce and Giles had exchanged few words since Buffy had ran away. Those few, however, had been painful and heated; Joyce laid the blame of Buffy leaving on his shoulders. Also the fact that she was a slayer, always in danger, kept secrets from her mother and not her librarian, was expelled from school and basically any other reason she could think of.
"Hi, Giles... Mr Giles." Buffy amended quickly when she saw her mother looking disapprovingly at the over familiarity of her welcome.
"Buffy. How are you?"
"You're lucky. You've caught me in remarkably good mood. I actually had three hours sleep last night. I'm practically euphoric," she rattled off in a quick flurry of apparent good humour.
"Good. Yes, good. I'm glad... I think." Giles was decidedly uneasy. Buffy was in stark contrast to the frosty demeanour that Joyce was exhibiting.
Buffy offered a wide smile which made Giles feel even more awkward.
"Giles. You have awkward in large black letters written on your forehead." she said. The smile never fading.
"I... Perhaps I should return another time."
"Nonsense," Buffy walked up to him and kissed him above his eyes. She then wiped the kiss off with a light stroke of her hand.
"There. That's better. All gone" She put her hands behind her back and stood back from him. "Let's go for a walk." She put her arm through his and practically dragged him into the sun. Giles looked panicked from her to Joyce. Buffy's mother had already closed the door.
Giles followed Buffy on to the pavement. She was looking up at the sky and twirled round, her arms out stretched.
"Isn't it a lovely day!"
He walked up to her. Her smile was infectious and he caught it willingly.
"A good day I presume."
"I've decided it is. Yes." She put her arm back into his and they both started to walk away from her house.
"Are the good days coming often?" he ventured to ask.
"They're not universal yet. By any means." she looked straight ahead as they walked. "It's a state of mind I guess. The nights, however... they're relentlessly grim." She looked up at Giles which caught him unawares. "I... have some work to do there I think." she looked briefly haunted by something but, quickly smiled again. "I've decided today is good though. My favourite watcher has come to visit. Where have you been Giles?" she accused him in mock fashion. "I've missed you," she ended quietly.
Giles broke free from Buffy's hold and took off his glasses to rub his eyes.
"I thought you might want some time to yourself."
"With mom?" she looked incredulous.
"Well... yes... no... I mean you haven't been to the library since your return. You are allowed back at school you know. Snyder... Principal Snyder... was forced to put you back on the register."
"I heard. One up for the powers of good"
"I have missed you as well. So have Willow and Xander."
Buffy looked away.
"Yes. Well I'll be back soon. I'm still not too keen on crowds yet. Post traumatic... trauma and all that."
Buffy quickly changed her mood again and skipped backwards looking towards Giles smiling "Lets go and visit Jenny," she said like a child suggesting a visit to the zoo.
Giles saw the cemetery gates up ahead and wanted very much to be in his library with his books. Never the less, they both walked through the gates and threaded their way round and over the gravestones silently. Buffy ran ahead when they were a few feet away from their destination. She stood over Jenny's grave, her eyes reading the letters carved on the stone. She then knelt down and smelt the flowers that were in bloom. She looked up at Giles.
"The weather has brought the best out in these. I thought the rain the other day would have knocked off all the petals."
Giles could not recall it having rained for some weeks. His mind drawn back to his feelings about the endless monotony of Californian sun. Buffy stood up and once again put her arm through Giles'. This time she rested her head against his shoulder. Her mood changing again.
"I am sorry. You know that don't you?" she asked earnestly not looking him in the eye.
"Yes. I know," he put his arm round her "You really must not blame yourself. None of us knew what would happen. Not even Jenny."
"Do you ever see her?" Buffy asked suddenly.
"I... I sometimes think I hear her voice. Telling me not be stuffy and ridiculously British."
"But... you never see her?" she asked again.
"Her ghost you mean? No. I mean I believe in ghosts and I have spent hours since her death reading about how and when they appear. But... I think she would have shown herself to me if she were still on this plain. The last time I saw her face was when I was being tortured by Angelus. But that was just Drusilla taunting me."
Buffy quickly separated herself from Giles' hold and stepped back.
"Let's go somewhere else," she suggested. The smile back on her face. Giles took a while to catch up with her further change of mood. But he allowed her to walk him out of the cemetery.
They walked along the path for a fair way until they came to the park. Eventually, they picked a bench and sat down. Buffy sat back and soaked in the sun. Her eyes closed to avoid the glare.
"Buffy." Giles tried to catch her attention. "Buffy" he said louder.
"Never fear. I'm still here," she responded with a grin.
"Buffy we need to talk. The situation in Sunnydale is getting serious. Attacks on people are getting out of control..."
"I've been reading the papers Giles and I plan to return soon. I note that the attacks are by gangs rather than individuals. Not very gallant of the vamps is it."
Giles was impressed, relieved actually, that Buffy had made the same point he had come to.
"Yes I agree. With the Master and even Spike it was nearly always one on one... most of the time. Now it is more organised. We have tried to find out if there is any pattern or reason to it but we are always kept on our toes just trying to stay alive," he related.
"I'll go sneaking around. I'll not hunt yet though. I'm still a bit sore below the ribs and I don't think I could high kick just yet. If I can find out anything, such as where they are all sleeping, I'll... I'll visit the library."
Giles nodded in acceptance.
"That would be good. But be careful. Don't go out unless you feel absolutely fit and... tell your mother first."
Buffy smiled at the last remark and Giles smiled back. After a couple of minutes of contemplated silence, Buffy looked down at the ground.
"How have Willow and Xander been?"
"More of the same. Xander fights with Cordelia whilst sticking close to her... the broom closet being the purported favourite location. Willow and Oz are inseparable. They all seem to spend half the time eyeing each other longingly and the other half criticising their partners."
"We're... they're teenagers, Giles," Buffy advised in mock disapproval of Giles' tone. "We concern ourselves with what is important and how our partners think of us is top of the list."
Giles sighed.
"I feel sorry for teenagers. I do not understand what adolescence is for; you spend your teenage years judging people entirely on how they look and on how you might be perceived dangling from their arm. Like pretty much everything about teenagedom - spots, non-specific angst, a preoccupation with dark song lyrics, war and the calorie contents of Hershey Bars - this is an enormous waste of time."
During the tirade Buffy was struck dumb with shock and finally genuinely laughed out loud.
"That was sublime," she commented, "and such a crappy thing to say. Oh, I've missed you Giles. I really have. If Xander were here now he would have torn you to shreds. Verbally that is. In only the way Xander can."
"Tell me about it. If you decide to leave town again I don't suppose you could take him with you. I feel every time he comments on something I do or say he is taking the mick... making fun of me that is."
"Always trust your feelings Giles," Buffy advised, still caught in the humour of the moment.
Giles made a show of resentment and feigned a hurt expression but not for long.
"I really have missed you Rupert," Buffy repeated after a few awkward moments of silence. "The title Watcher is really not sufficient. I so much wanted your guidance and support and... and even your moments of exasperation when I did something stupid."
"Yes and I am sure you missed my stuffy library and tweed jackets and... and my taste in music." Giles made an obvious attempt to lighten the mood this time.
Buffy stood up and offered Giles her hand.
"Walk me home."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Buffy poured herself some orange juice and sat on a kitchen stool at the breakfast bar. Joyce entered the kitchen, a half empty glass in her hand.
"You're back I see."
Buffy looked around the kitchen and then to her mother.
"Yep. Never fear, I'm... back."
"Did you have a nice time with your friend."
Buffy did not like the tone of her mother's voice and her expression turned dangerous. "Yes. We had a very pleasant walk and a much needed talk. Have you a problem with that?"
"The way you flirted with him at the front door was disgusting."
"I was being friendly. Giles knows I mean nothing by it. And, I might add, he needed some warmth to thaw that cold shoulder you gave him."
Joyce looked away, partly ashamed but not ready to admit it.
"You don't seem to be taking the right things seriously. You should be trying to get better and going to school, you've missed so many lessons. If you're not careful you will end up a nobody with nothing to show for yourself."
"Well I won't drown like you. That's for certain." Buffy pointed to the glass in Joyce's hand.
"Damn you Buffy!" she shouted, putting the glass down heavily. "You don't know what I've been through since you left..."
"No, mom I don't," Buffy interrupted, "but I can guess and... and I feel bad about it. I really do. But can you guess what I have been through? Can you in your most horrified imagination? No you can't." Buffy answered for her before Joyce could reply. "And it was just the latest in a long line of unimagined... horrors. It doesn't end. I've had friends die. Some in front of me. And some have come back only for me to have to kill them again. Except the second time they're not really friends, just some grotesque marionette with their face. I've chopped off heads, skewered demons with swords. One time I practically sliced someone in half. They were all demons but, Mom, they had human faces. Faces the day before I saw in the supermarket or the cafeteria at school." she paused briefly, "It's been a bad year," she quipped finally with little humour behind it.
"I want to understand," Joyce pleaded, "I want to be there for you this year."
"I know. But, you'll see better without this," Buffy lifted the glass and then put it down again.
"Ok. Perhaps I am drinking too much."
"This isn't an AA meeting but I appreciate the effort," Buffy put on a peacemaking smile and they both hugged. "And I don't flirt," she added.
"All women flirt, Buffy. Men try to sometimes but we have it down to a tee."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(song lyrics from "Angel" by Sarah McLachlan)
Buffy laid herself down. She so wanted not to sleep but needed it more.
"oh, beautiful release
memory seeps from my veins
let me be empty,"
Fatigue won quickly and Buffy found herself in a place she new as well as anywhere. A windowless room. She stood in front of the only door, which was closed behind her. Her eyes were fixed on the bed nestled in one corner. Two familiar figures were moving over the sheets in the slow motion that can only occur in dreams. Their passion muted only by the slow care they took to finally discover what they had been searching for since they first met one dark night, months earlier. An age ago.
Buffy read the man's lips when he asked his question gently. She felt the brush of his hand as he lifted a lock of the girl's hair as though she herself were along side him again. She whispered the words of consent before the girl could reply herself.
"...maybe
I'll find some peace tonight
in the arms of the angel..."
"You are pulled from the wreckage
of your silent reverie
in the arms of the angel
may you find some comfort here."
She now lay on the bed. Beneath the vision. Part of it. Her eyes closed. She leant back to allow his slow kisses to brush her neck, her shoulder. She felt his hands trace their way carefully, almost reverently over her body.
"it's easier to believe
in this sweet madness
all this glorious sadness..."
"may you find some comfort here
you're in the arms of the angel
may you find some comfort here"
Buffy opened her eyes to find Angelus kneeling over her. His soulless eyes mocking her horror. She screamed. A sound of a heart breaking in untold sorrow mixed with indescribable fear.
Angelus stood up away from Buffy's bed. The scene having shifted to her room. He was now fully clothed and laughing. Buffy leapt up and started throwing anything she could get her hands on. After what seemed ages, she realised that the morning sun was streaming through her curtains. How could that be when Angelus was here. However, when she looked round, he was nowhere to be seen.
Her fears went unquestioned as the sound of her mother's voice caught her attention.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Cordelia pulled up outside Buffy's house. It was urgent, Joyce had said over the phone. Almost pleaded with her to come.
Why me she thought. Probably just wants a lift to school.
Cordelia tried to think such thoughts but, part of her was actually quite pleased to think that she was considered close enough a friend to call upon. None of her former circle had been as reliant or trusting. She realised, of course that she was probably the fourth to have been called. Willow, Xander and Giles were probably uncontactable. Hell, she was probably fifth behind Oz. But fifth was not so bad. It meant that she was at least part of a group of six people who cared for more than themselves.
She reached the door but was prevented from ringing the bell by Joyce opening it. Buffy's mother looked in a terrible state. There were dark rings under her eyes and, Cordelia thought, she really should do something to her hair.
"Oh Cordelia. Where have you been? I thought you were not going to come for a while there. I'm... I'm frantic with worry. She... Buffy wont let me in her room and the crashing and screaming..." She tailed off realising she was breaking down in front of a teenager. Making an obvious attempt to appear controlled, she stood back to let Cordelia in to the house. She entered slowly, still shell shocked slightly by Joyce's sudden attack on her senses.
"Things seem to be silent now," she pointed out. In truth, it was eerily quiet. Akin to the stillness after a storm or perhaps the lull before.
"It went quiet about five minutes ago," Joyce said, her eyes fixed on the curve of the stairs. "I think that's worse somehow. I'm frightened she might have hurt herself. Please go up to her Cordelia. I offered to call Willow or Xander or even Mr Giles but, she screamed no. So I thought of you. She didn't object to you."
Cordelia was intrigued.
"I'll go upstairs," she said simply and extricated herself from the grateful eyes of the older woman.
"Buffy?" Cordelia called from the landing. Buffy's door was locked and the silence from behind it was worrying Cordelia no end.
"Buffy, it's Cordelia. Let me in."
"Buffy let me in, damn you. I'm going to be late for school."
"Buffy... please"
The door clicked and fell open slightly. Cordelia pushed it gently with the palm of one hand. When it was adjar sufficiently for her to walk in she saw Buffy slowly stepping backwards away from her. Buffy was hugging herself tightly.
"It's all right," Buffy uttered faintly, "He's gone."
Cordelia resisted asking who and where.
"Welcome to my home," Buffy offered, spreading her arms out inviting Cordelia to survey her room, "make yourself... at." She sat on her bed.
"Buffy!" Cordelia cried in dismay, "what have you done to your things?"
The room was a disaster zone; books, make up, clothes, all strewn everywhere. Furniture up turned. Cordelia surveyed the wreckage.
"Oh Buffy, your clothes... oh, hey... could I borrow that?"
Buffy giggled like a child. Leaning back on her bed she curled up, her eyes watering. Downstairs, Joyce let out a sigh of relief at the sound and poured herself a much needed drink.
Buffy eventually stopped laughing and fell asleep with the effort amidst the carnage of her room. Cordelia cleared a space and sat beside the bed. She did not feel it was right to leave just yet.
An hour passed and Buffy's eyes opened. She did not move but, instead regarded the girl alongside her. Cordelia had eventually laid down next to Buffy to wait for her to stir.
"Hello Cordelia," she said in a friendly tone.
Cordelia nearly fell off the bed.
"Buffy! you scared the shit out of me."
"Sorry," Buffy sat up and looked around. "You could have at least tidied up a bit."
"I don't think so," Cordelia said with certainty.
Two hours later, though, they had put everything in a semblance of order. They did so in silence mostly which suited them both at the time. Afterwards, though, Buffy talked at length. Cordelia listened.
Two days later, one month after her return from Los Angeles, Buffy returned to school. Cordelia picked her up and drove her.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Giles, Xander and Willow were in the library. Giles paced up and down in front of the table that the others were sitting at. They had been discussing Buffy again. A habit that had started when she left Sunnydale months before and had not stopped, despite her return.
"I don't seem to be able to get close to her anymore" Willow added, "Nothing beyond pleasantries. I'd rather have nothing at all than that..... except that I relish every pleasantry in the hope that the old Buffy will surface suddenly and wrap her arms around me and laugh and confide and talk about anything but the weather and studies" she stopped, realising she was meandering.
"Yea, well, you're lucky," said Xander "I swear I haven't got within two feet of her without her flinching back two more."
The two friends and Giles fell silent for a few moments. Giles stopped pacing.
"She seems to be getting on well with Cordelia," he noted.
"You don't have to tell me," Xander added. A note of exasperation in his voice.
"She's actually been round Buffy's house several times," Willow said, not hiding the hurt she felt. She had already lost Xander to Cordelia. Except, of course that she had never really had Xander but, the hurt was real all the same.
"Cordelia is pleasant enough," Giles continued, "but Buffy has never really shown much interest in socialising with her. They don't share the same interests surely. Clothes excepting, I suppose, but Buffy is not that shallow to spend hours on that subject alone. No, she must provide something. We should talk to her..... Cordelia that is, as we must resume our duties. Without Buffy that is impossible."
"I'm worried that Buffy will never be capable of resuming her duties. I swear she is emotionally unstable at the moment. Mad even springs to mind."
Willow and Giles looked at Xander and made sounds of disagreement at his suggestion. Xander's hypothesising, however, caused them to enter another period of silence until Willow finally spoke.
"Cordelia wasn't with us the night Buffy returned."
"Come again?" Xander questioned.
"That night Buffy tried so hard to get us to leave her alone. I truly believe she wanted to die then and we betrayed her by calling the paramedics."
"We saved her life, Willow." Xander disagreed with Willow's direction of thought. "If she wanted to die she could have laid on a park bench in LA and bled to death. Instead, she came back to Sunnydale. As a cry for help, if you like."
Willow shook her head. "It was a cry to leave her alone and go away. You remember her anger at us following her that night. My God, I bet she was heading for Angel's apartment to die."
"I don't agree... I don't agree." Xander persisted but doubt plagued his determination. He looked for support from Giles who had remained silent.
"What do you think Giles?" he asked hopefully.
Giles looked off to one side. "I'm a little disappointed," he said finally.
The others looked at him puzzled. He turned to them as if he had only then realised their continued presence.
"It's what she said when she realised where you had both gone. 'that's all right Rupert,' she said, 'I'm a little disappointed but...'" Giles looked haunted, "'no harm done'."
"She called you Rupert," Xander stated rather than asked.
"Her eyes closed afterwards and... and for an awful moment I though she had gone."
At that moment Buffy barged into the library taking them all by surprise.
"Hi Buffy," greeted Willow.
"Hi Wills," she replied quickly but looking straight at Giles with a dangerous look.
"Buffy... hello" he copied, noticing her mood straight away.
"Was it your idea that I have a psychiatrist?" Buffy shouted accusingly. "Was it your bright idea that prompted mom? What were you thinking of," she continued, not allowing Giles to respond, "What made you think I would want to repeat all my problems to a complete stranger. It's bad enough that I live, sleep and dream them without having to regurgitate them out loud."
Giles recovered from his initial shock to speak.
"It sometimes helps to be able to open your heart to someone and..."
"Granted... yes... but I can't do that can I. Not without being carted away to a soft room. I can't tell him everything can I...? I have to think through everything carefully before I can say anything, which is hardly cathartic is it? Oh, I drove a sword into my ex boyfriend and sent him to Hell... no, wait a minute, that better be my little secret. What about this one...? My friend was killed by a vampiress from Hell, her throat slit... nope can't say that either. I was... I..." Buffy seemed to be on the verge of saying something else but paused a noticeable few seconds before finally continuing, "Oh yes... I was stabbed in the stomach by a vampire just before I dusted him... oh dear... would you like to wear this rather nice coat... don't worry about the lack of armholes." She finally stopped and leant against the wall as though the whole speech had drained her.
"What were you thinking of?" she said again quietly.
"It seemed like a good idea at the time," Giles said meekly.
Buffy stood up straight, "Well, next time you get an idea that, hey, you think might be a good one, think on it first."
"I think he gets the message Buffy," said Xander.
Buffy turned sharply to look at him, fixing him a gaze that would have felled a less brave individual. Xander had approached Buffy and was now standing uncomfortably close to her. He was visibly angry at her attitude.
Buffy relented. "All I ask is that you think before you decide on something," she said finally in a more sedate tone.
"That's fine coming from a little girl who decided to have sex with a vampire. Did you think on that first?" Xander accused.
Buffy wheeled round and slapped him across the face, holding back nothing. Xander toppled back with the force of the strike.
"You mock the only moment of happiness I had," she shouted down at his face. "Damn you!" she yelled and turning round to face a stunned Willow and Giles "and I swear the next person to call me a little girl will regret the day." She took a deep breath to stop herself from shaking. Without success, however. She put a hand over her mouth and shut her eyes, eventually steadying herself.
"Damn it Xander. Are you all right?" she asked.
"I'll survive," he replied, "I should be grateful really. It's the first physical contact I've had with you since you returned."
Buffy winced at the remark. She offered him her hand and lifted him up from the floor.
"Angering a slayer in a bad temper isn't that bright," she said smiling.
"Yea, well I guess I'm Mr Impulsive." He returned the smile sensing something like their old friendship breaking the surface.
"Right," Buffy said decisively, "I think we all agree that I have issues to resolve with myself. In the meantime, I've decided to resume my patrols. It's getting to the point that people are afraid to party anymore."
"Are you sure?" Giles asked.
"Very."
"But... my research into why the vampires are massing is not complete... I could be on the verge..."
"Giles... you may on the verge but I'm on the edge. If I don't start patrolling soon I'm going to start getting agoraphobic about cemeteries and large open mausoleums, which would be kind of a hindrance for a slayer. Besides," she added "the reason they're amassing is probably because there are so many around. I mean there hasn't been a slayer about whittling away at their numbers lately, has there?"
Giles fought the temptation to argue and, as if on impulse, took off his glasses and rubbed his eyes.
"All right...if you feel you are ready... but we will accompany you."
"No," Buffy said abruptly, "I'll be fine alone... really."
There followed an awkward silence. Made more because such a thing hardly ever occurred between them. Xander was admittedly pre occupied with feeling his jaw for any signs of reduced movement. The thought of not being able to chew was quite disturbing. As normal, it was Willow who broke the silence.
"Buffy. What happened to you in LA?"
Buffy looked to her friend.
"I... I got a job and slew a load of vampires. And I got stabbed in the stomach. End of story," she shrugged her shoulders.
"Little girl?" Willow asked.
Buffy's expression turned to anger then changed to blank when she realised it was a question and not a remark.
"I just don't like being called that. That's all. It's patronising. It's condescending." She almost spat out the last word.
Willow was not to be deterred from her goal.
"If we knew what was troubling you we could understand better what you were going through. We could......"
"Maybe I don't want to explain. Maybe there's nothing to reveal"
Willow stared straight at Buffy, challenging her to deny anything was wrong.
"Please Willow" Buffy pleaded.
"What's up Buffy? Can you only talk to Cordelia about this. Are we not considered good enough any more. Surely we deserve some sort of consideration after all we've done." Willow was deliberately chipping away at Buffy's defences to initiate a response. She felt guilty and knew she would feel worse when she was alone tonight. But she needed to know.
"That's cruel Willow. I didn't think I needed to state my affections for you."
"What happened?" Willow repeated resolutely.
Buffy sighed and sat on the nearest chair. She closed her eyes as if it made remembering easier.
"I was attacked on the way to work one evening. He dragged me into an alley," she rubbed her eyes, "I was so tired. Tired of ghosts visiting me, taunting me and cajoling me as to what my duty was, my role in life. I was so tired," she repeated, "endless nights of hunting and slaying. Sleepless nights. I didn't struggle. I let him knock me to the ground and... and I laid myself open to be taken into oblivion." She smiled and looked straight at Willow.
"I welcomed the prospect. To be able to finally rest. The thought was quite intoxicating," she said with relish, "but... it never arrived."
Willow looked puzzled.
"You don't get it do you?"
"It wasn't a demon who attacked you," said Giles.
"Full marks to the Watcher," Buffy aimed at Giles. Willow finally realised.
"I naturally tried to struggle," Buffy continued, "I wasn't that far gone. But, he hit me so hard I... I couldn't grasp hold of any one thought or aim." She looked down at the floor. "Finally... when he relinquished his hold on me, I managed to throw him back and get to my feet. I grabbed the first thing I could to strike out at him. One of my stakes would you believe. I lashed out." Buffy made a sweeping motion with her hands to illustrate her action. There followed a brief pause.
"It swept across his throat. There was so much blood. When I slay demons they turn to dust but, he just stood there... for an age it seemed... blood pouring. I wasn't such a little girl after all," she said with a determination in her voice.
Willow closed the gap between them and offered out her hands, standing just short of Buffy. The final distance she left for her friend to fill. Buffy responded to the gesture by taking Willow's hands in her own. Then, relinquishing hold of one hand, she gently brushed Willow's hair behind one ear.
"Dear Willow," she said eventually with sad affection, "I only need time. We'll soon be both laughing and joking in the face of adversity again." She looked over at her other friend and smiled.
"Oh Xander," she laughed gently, "If you keep moving your jaw like that it'll stick and I may have to hit you again to dislodge it."
Xander stood dead still.
"Hey. I only turn my cheek once. No one gets a second strike at Xander Harris. Unless they catch me first of course."
Buffy smiled again and started to back away from him and Willow.
"I really should be going now to prepare myself for tonight. You know, sharpen pieces of wood etc. I'll report back tomorrow morning Giles," she said looking in his direction.
Giles had deliberately kept his distance from the students as they bonded. He had any number of questions to ask and advice to give but sensed Buffy's need to extricate herself from the scene. He thought, though, that the healing between them had made a good start.
Buffy left the library. Willow walked up to Xander and wrapped her arms around him, nestling her head on his shoulder. Xander, for a moment, stood awkwardly until he eventually wrapped his arms around his oldest friend in support.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Buffy sat on the couch, back straight and her hands rested in her lap. She refused to lie down. The psychiatrist looked over his glasses at her.
"So you say the good days are out numbering the bad now?"
Buffy nodded wordlessly.
"But the nights are still bad," he continued.
Buffy nodded again and turned her head to look out the window. A desperate need to be somewhere else clawed at her mind.
"What you need to do is ascertain what differentiates a good day from a bad one. Then apply the aspects of it to a bad night. Tell me," the psychiatrist said drawing Buffy's attention back to his face. She looked down at her hands.
"Tell me. What makes a good day good and a bad day bad?"
Buffy looked up but instead stared through him to the door behind. She thought carefully and at length.
"A good day has no rain and, a bad day is when I lie in bed and think of things that might have been," she quoted not knowing whether the doctor would notice it as such.
"...the nearer your destination
the more you're slip sliding away."
(Slip Sliding Away- Paul Simon)
| Descent - This Glorious Sadness | |