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11.13.05
The Crazy Fundie Chick Transcript
I was bored, so I thought I’d transcribe the video clip in the last entry for those who don’t have sound on their computers (although they might be in the minority) or for anyone who can’t hear at all. So without further ado:
(From when Margaret Perrin walks into the door of her house to the very end of the show)
Abigail: I think she’s...
Ashley: She’s ...
Abigail: She’s here!
Ashley: She’s here! She’s here!
Abigail: [screams happily]
[Ashley goes over to the door and opens it]
Ashley: Hiiii!
[Margaret walks in]
Margaret: Worst time of my life! [cries]
Ashley: Oh, nooo!
Margaret: It was so dark-sided! [gasps] Dark-sided! [Margaret goes and sits on the couch]
Barry: [unintelligible]
Margaret: [over Barry] It’s not of God! It’s not Christians! Did you not ask if she believed in God? She’s not a ChrisTIAN! AHH!
Barry: She could be a Jew and believe in that...
Margaret: It doesn’t matter, she’s—she’s tamperin’ in dark-sided stuff! Yes, YES! She did! The entire house is dark sided.
Barry: Their whole house is...
Margaret: She is dark-sided TOO!
Ashley: (Why) are you mad at us?
[Margaret gets up]
Margaret: This is my house. I want no money. I want nothing. I want my God and I want my family. This is tainted [rips up Jeanne’s letter]. I don’t want it. Whatever it is, it’s tainted. Whatever it is, [unintelligible]. I give it up to God! I’m a God-warrior! And I don’t want someone with tainted ... anything in beliefs doin’ anything with my FAMILY! GET OUT! Get out! Uhhh! I want all these crew members leavin’! [Camera girl freaks out and ducks away] Get these earsets offa me. I’ve had enough. Gargoyles! PSYCHICS! Everything’s ungodly! Dark-sided!
Barry: I’m glad you’re home...
Margaret: [to crew members] Get the hell out of my house, in Jesus’ name I pray. I’ve had enough.
Ashley: Mama, just sit.
Brooke: Come sit with us.
Margaret: Did you talk about astrology?
Barry: No.
Margaret: Did you get hypnotized by her?
[Ashley stares dumbfounded.]
Margaret: I have taken a stand. I have taken a stand. I am not a (fence)[unintelligible]. I was over there prayin’ for all these people but I needed prayer. I needed you to be...
Ashley: We were prayin’ for you...
Margaret: I needed you to ... You ... You need ...
Ashley: Mom, I was prayin’ for you every night that ... I was prayin’ for you every night...
Margaret: But I needed your prayers!
Ashley: So it’s my fault.
Margaret: You did come to my mind. ...There was nothing of God. Every DAY it was nothing of God! I had to change the whole plans and make everybody go to a Catholic church! Because I was leavin’. Took the earsets off, said “I am leavin’.” Fly ... Fly me home...
Ashley: M-Mama... just talk ...
Margaret [interrupting]: We had a party—a, uh, “sol’tice” party...
Ashley: Well, she said it was about the moon, it was [unintelligible]
Margaret: Yeah, it’s about the moon because they only believe in the moon and the gods and the this and the that...
Ashley: Jeanne was not like that here...
Margaret [interrupting] Her name is Jade! I went to her station! I went to her station! Her kids don’t go to church or believe in God!
Ashley: [unintelligible]
Margaret: I been with her kids!
Ashley: Well, she did...
Margaret: Ashley! Astrology!
Ashley: Mama, I (believe)...
Margaret: Tarot card readings...
Barry: She didn’t bring any of that up with us.
Margaret: Everybody look back at everything I been preachin’ and prayin’ and sayin’. I been sayin’ I am a spiritual warrior because I feel like I’m a spiritual warrior. Like I’ve had to put Armor-All on just to walk out that house. I want none of this. I want out of this, cause you know what? I won’t take some ungodly person tellin’ me what to do with my money, or that money, eh... for us. I don’t want it in my house. Tarot cards and astrology and witch books and ... and...
Ashley: We had none of that here.
Margaret: Cause you know why? Cause I’m the warrior. [Picks up as-yet-untorn envelope and starts ripping it up] I ask all the questions. Take the money, take whatever you got, and get out of my house. In Jesus’ name, in Jesus’ name I pray. [throws torn envelope and letter out the door] They will be on my prayer list for the day I die. Every one of them.
Ashley: You spoke to her?
Margaret: I speak (that) into existence, every one of them. I’ve planted that seed and I will see the harvest. Get out of my house! Every dark-sided person get out of my house. If you believe in Jesus you can stay here. Don’t—stay in my house if you’re dark-sided.
Ashley: [unintelligible]
Margaret: [over Ashley] I don’t wanna see a book of witches! I don’t wanna see anything ... any stars! I don’t want to see any of this dark-sided—psychics! All those things—Tarot card readings! I rebuke it in the name of the Lord.
Ashley: Mama, come sit.
[Ashley and Margaret talk over each other]
Margaret: I’m a prayer warrior. Know what she is?
Ashley: That was...
[Here Margaret’s rants are edited and overlap each other.]
Margaret: Know what they do? Did you ask her, was she a Christian? Did you ask her does she believe in God? Not gods, not stars, not witches, [unintelligible]. I’m an educated (warrior). I been educated on stuff. ... There was stuff I didn’t even want you to hear. You know why, cause Mama can’t pretend. ... They put me on a talk show, and had a psychic on the air ... Took the earsets off, and said “I am flyin’ home, I don’t believe in this ... Why don’t you ask? Why [unintelligible]. I’m always the one that asks all these things. I’m the one that’s the warrior. ... Why can’t you be the warrior?
Barry: [unintelligible]
Margaret: And then they had this wonderful—star—thing, okay? And then there’s the Buddha, and then there’s the Buddha flag, and there’s the (zoologist) ... every day there was nothin’ of God ... I was thrown in the pit. Thrown in the pit! You couldn’t even walk out the front door without the Buddha flags ... He thinks he’s been reincarnated! ... Nothin’ of God! I felt dark!
Text on screen: Jeanne allocated the Perrin’s (sic) $50,000 as follows:
$5000 to pay for Ashley’s dance certification.
$10,000 to help Ashley and Abigail move to their own place.
$15,000 for Barry to spend on the family.
and ... $20,000 to pay for the gastric bypass surgery that Margaret wanted.
Upon further review, Margaret has decided to accept the money.
11.11.05
“She’s not a ChrisTIAN! AAH!”
This chick is every-fucking-where:
She was on Fox’s reality show “Trading Spouses,” in which she was “traded” with a New-Age paganish (I say “-ish” because I’m not entirely certain if they are actually pagan) family. As I’ve said before, I fucking love Trading Spouses; it’s the ultimate of guilty pleasures. Twice before, in my recollection, there have been moms who preached and proselytized (not necessarily about religion) and thought that everything they did was right and that everything anyone else did was wrong. I’m talking about Barbara Gates, the hypocritical vegan, and Mia somebody-er-nother, I can’t remember her last name; she’s the one who kept saying “I thought I was gonna die” when she learned she was going to a Southern state that I can’t remember; I think it was Tennessee. Yeah, it was Tennessee; it was Chattanooga. I love watching people like that rant and rave; and now I can add Margaret (or Marguerite or whatever the fuck her name is) Perrin to that list. Sure, there was the above over-five-minute rant (and you can totally tell they edited a LOT of it for time), but she also claimed to “hear God,” be a “God-warrior” (whatever that is) and she did a lot of “rebuking” what she called “dark-sided” stuff “in the name of the Lord.” (What the hell does “dark-sided” mean anyway?) On the first week, she was a guest on the pagan ... uh, -ish family’s radio show, and they had also brought in a psychic. When Margaret learned that the guy was indeed a psychic, she went all ranty about psychics being Satanic and stuff. It was just hilarious to watch her.
Lisa Simpson: Doesn’t the Bible say “Judge not, lest ye be judged?”
Reverend Lovejoy: I think it may be somewhere towards the back...
11.05.05
“There Is NOTHING Worse Than Moving.”
So says Sue Murphy in this appropriate Comedy Central bit. Yeah, this is pretty much how I feel, too:
The good news is, I just discovered the bus stop is about 500 feet from the corner of the road—and we live on the corner of the road.
11.03.05
We’ve Moved. Also A Rant.
Well, I live in Clackamas now. We’ve been having to go back and forth from the old house to transport stuff, and it’s kind of stressful. I’m kind of pissed off right now, since my dad basically said I have to get rid of all my books, “because there’s no room for them.” There’s plenty of room! I have a bookshelf, two drawers in my nightstand and a shelf in the top of my closet that I can use for books. And it’s COMPLETELY unfair because I reread my books ALL THE TIME and he’s keeping vinyl records and 8-tracks that he’s never, ever going to listen to ever again. Is that fair? No! He just doesn’t understand because he’s not a reader.
10.26.05
Daria!
Last night I went to Daria O’Neill’s Local Entertainment Guide CD release party. It was pretty fun. When I got there, she was sitting at a table signing the CDs (I got one for free, yay me! And my name is in the “thank you” section! Yay again!) and didn’t notice me at first, but when she did her face totally lit up and she exclaimed “Zanny! Hiiiii! How are you?” (I didn’t even think she’d remember what I look like, as the last time she actually saw me was more than two years ago.) “I’m fine,” I said. She pointed to a rather cute guy with light brown hair, wearing a black sweatshirt, and knee-length shorts. “This is my husband, Steve,” she said. I was actually pretty surprised, as I’d pictured her husband to look like Eric (aka Cappy) from the latest Big Brother, and he looks nothing like that. “Hi!” I said, and shook his hand, and said “I’ve heard a lot about you.” “Uh-oh,” he said in mock terror, with a grin. Daria was signing some other people’s CDs but when she was done she turned to me and said something like “Do you want one of these now? I can sign this one, and when you get the one in the mail”—she also mailed me one, since I didn’t know if I was coming to the party until the same day—“you can just give it to somebody else.” I said that’d be fine, and she signed a copy for me. “I’ll show you where your name is,” she said (I had already known that it was in there). She pointed about a quarter of the way down in the acknowledgements section and there it was. It just said “Zanny” though, no last initial. “I didn’t put your last initial because one, I figured there was only one Zanny, and two, some people are, like, totally not comfortable with that, you know?” she said. “Yeah,” I replied. I went over to a very large chair to pull out the CD insert and read the inside of it, and munched on carrot sticks and flatbread and this weird kind of spicy orangish-peachy-colored dip. After a while Daria got up to go outside to smoke a cigarette, and I was standing up as well, and she came over and hugged me tightly and said “I’m so glad you came; you’re so sweet.” After she let go she said “Are you going to stick around for a while?” “Yeah,” I said. “I can’t leave until 8:00 [the time the party got over] anyway, since my brother’s picking me up.” “Oh! Okay,” she said. I went around and mingled and ate, and I was trying to decide if I should have just a leetle bit of wine, but I decided against it, because I never did like the taste of wine. (I don’t like grape juice either, maybe that has something to do with it.) When Daria got back inside she talked with some other people, and then she came up to me and said “Somebody’s got a cat.” She pointed to her arm, which was getting a little red—but not enough to notice if it wasn’t pointed out. “I just hugged someone with a cat, and I’m like super super allergic--” “Oh, my God, no,” I exclaimed. “’Cause I kinda sorta have a cat.” “Oh, no, it wasn’t you,” she said. “It was somebody really recent—what does that mean, you ‘kinda sorta have a cat’?” “Well, they’re feral, but they come up to the house to be fed,” I explained. “There’s two of them, actually, Blackberry and Ruby Soho. There were three, but one of them died.” “Yeah, I remember that,” she said (I had sent her an email about Bramble dying). “They’re feral? Do they let you pet them?” “Blackberry won’t let me touch him,” I said, “but I can pet Ruby Soho.” “Ruby Soho, is that for the song?” she said, referring to the song “Ruby Soho” by Rancid. “Yeah,” I said, grinning. “I love that song!” she mouthed. Then Demitri, the “street guy” walked past, and she told me who he was. “I think I knew who Demitri was when I first saw him,” I said, “because I saw his picture on the website and I thought ‘That guy looks like the one in the picture.’” And he’s exactly my type, too, I thought. “Yeah,” she said. “Demitri actually looks exactly like his picture. That’s Dr Doug, with the goatee, and there’s Skippy,” –and she also told me the name of a guy in a red shirt, but I’m racking my brain trying to remember and I can’t. “He’s got a lot of ‘cousins,’ she said, and I think she did the “quote unquote” thingy with her fingers, “who all just happen to be gay.” Then she turned to someone else and wanted to know if they were going to leave, and then she went and signed some more CDs and I talked a little bit with this one guy with a hairstyle like—oh, the only person I can think of with hair like that is John Tesh—and also with her husband Steve for a few minutes, and to Daria some more (I actually talked to her about way more stuff than I’ve put down here), and before I knew it, it was almost eight o’clock. At about maybe 8:05 or so (I didn’t have a watch) Daria went outside again to smoke another cigarette, and I figured I had better go outside, too, to wait for my brother. While outside Daria and I talked some more, and she offered to stay with me until my brother arrived. She did have to go back inside for a few minutes and while she was inside, my brother pulled up, so I ran inside really quickly to say goodbye to her. She hugged me again (she hugs really tightly, I love it), and we said goodbye-for-now and I went home. So all in all it was a very fun night. I listened to the Entertainment Guide CD about two hours after I got home. Great stuff. Go buy it. 1051thebuzz.com
10.19.05
RIP Bramble-kitty
Last night Bramble, my favorite of the three kittens that have been hanging around our house, died. I found her out in our pasture (she’d been missing for about a day). I have no idea what killed her. I’m all bummed out right now. Mom buried her in the backyard. I keep thinking of this Calvin and Hobbes story, though, in which Calvin finds a baby raccoon that eventually dies. I wish all my C&H books weren’t packed up. I want to read that story again.
Moving Date
We found a house in Clackamas and are going to move on the 28th of this month, the day after my brother’s birthday. I’ve still got stuff to pack up, though, mostly clothes.
10.05.05
The Queen of Procrastination
I just realized how lax I’m getting at updating this blog. It used to be updated every day, then it was every other day, then once a week, then once every two weeks, and now it’s getting updated about once a month. I predict that there will come a time when someone will email me and tell me to update my blog, and I’ll email back with “I have a blog?”
”The Legend of Zelda: The Wind Waker” Platform FAQ
I’m currently working on what ^^^ that says, since gamefaqs.com (I realized yesterday that I’ve gone to that site EVERY single time I’ve gone online, for like eight years) doesn’t have one, so I said in the WW MB that I was probably gonna do one and I got all “yeah, do it” replies. So I’m gonna make a Platform FAQ and hopefully it’ll be on GameFAQs within the next couple of weeks.
9.30.05
No More Bird!
This is how lazy I am: We sold the bird (a cockatoo named Corby for those who have just discovered this blog) about two weeks ago, and I’m just now blogging about it. Anyway, that’s basically it: we don’t have That Bird anymore. (So the Things I Hate section is now really, really out of date!) No more squawking! No more pausing when typing the word “squawking” to try to remember how to spell the word “squawking”!
MySpace
I created a MySpace account about two weeks ago. Hey, just about everyone else on the planet has one, I’m just jumping on the bandwagon here: MySpace
Still Packing
I still got a shitload of stuff to pack. I’m saving my Gamecube and a few games, and my radio for last.
8.29.05
The Hottest Guys in Alternative Music Part 2
I forgot to add Rivers Cuomo from Weezer and Dave Grohl from Foo Fighters to the list. But I’m too lazy to look for good pics of them, so no pics.
Lost and Found
It had been missing for ten, fifteen years, but the other day my mom finally found my “Essential Calvin and Hobbes” book! It had been in a box filled with mostly newspapers, that was in a curtained-off portion of the basement, and she was just going to throw the box away, but she looked through it just to make sure and it was in there! The next day she found my Merduck comics, as well. I wasn’t looking for the following, but she also found several Highlights magazines from my childhood, a Nickelodeon magazine from 1993, one of those thin “checkstand books” (they’re usually on a rack at a supermarket checkstand), and two Reader’s Digests from 1978. I’m still looking for a few books, most notably “Alice in Wonderland and Through the Looking Glass,” “The Secret Language” (I may have only borrowed that one from the library or something, but I might own it), and “The Book of Goodnight Stories” which I couldn’t remember the name of until I found the dustjacket in my closet, but which I did remember contained a story about a little boy who cried so much that his eyes fell out and he became blind. Which is really disturbing. (I can’t, however, remember if he ever gets his sight back.)
8.20.05
The Hottest Guys in Alternative Music, as Voiced By a Girl With Way Too Much Time On Her Hands
Wow, I haven’t updated in a LONG-assed time. Anyway, as the title says... here we go! Yay! Pictures!
1. 2. 3. 4. 5. 6.
1. Gerard Way from My Chemical Romance (I dunno if I like MCR, but I do love that Helena song)
2. Adam Horovitz from the Beastie Boys (middle Beastie)
3. Brandon Boyd from Incubus (I don’t like Incubus as much as I used to, but Boyd’s still hot)
4. Dave Gahan from Depeche Mode (He was hot back in the ‘80’s and he’s STILL hot)
5. Billie Joe Armstrong from Green Day (middle)
6. Joe Strummer from the Clash (circa 1978)
We’re Moving!
We’re going to be moving in a couple of months, maybe even a couple of weeks. I’ve been cleaning my room like crazy. I still haven’t found anything that I’m actually looking for, although I did find a book I’d been looking for forever in my brother’s room. Oh well, I’ve still got half a freakin’ closet left to go ... I want to especially find my Essential Calvin and Hobbes book and my Merduck comics. If I can’t find the C&H book I can just buy another one, but the Merduck comics were drawn by me and are irreplaceable.
7.25.05
Ow. Pain. Ow.
I have another fucking canker sore. Good God almighty, how I hate these things. This means that I can’t eat anything spicy, salty or acidic for a week. I keep licking the damn thing, too, although I know I’m probably not supposed to. Why do canker sores taste metallic? Or maybe it’s the stuff I’m putting on there.
My idea of hell is to have an eternal canker sore and the only thing to eat is oranges.
Kitties (Part Mew)
Those kittens came up to the deck to eat food for a while, but I haven’t seen them lately. But the food we leave out has always been eaten. I don’t know if the kittens are eating it, or the mother cat.
7.10.05
My New Favorite Movie
Last night I watched this movie on the Independent Film Channel (IFC) called SLC Punk! Basically it was about these two twenty-something punk guys who believe in anarchy and chaos and all that shit and are trying to fight “the system.” It’s kind of hard to explain if you’re not into punk music though. I’ve only been into punk for about two years (started with The Clash), so if I’d seen this movie then I probably wouldn’t have liked it. I don’t want to spoil anything, so I won’t say who it is or when it happens, but one of the characters dies very ironically. And I cried.
After the movie was over, there was this great documentary on the history of punk rock, called Punk:attitude. Touched on everything from the Stooges to the Ramones (and for the record, I don’t really like the Ramones. I’ve TRIED. I just can’t get into them, all their stuff sounds the same to me. But maybe I’ll hear a really great Ramones song one of these days and suddenly start liking everything else they do. Hey, it happened with Rage Against the Machine and the Beastie Boys) to the Clash and the Dead Kennedys, etc. and how they started the whole punk movement back in the late 1970s.
Water, Water Everywhere
There’s a really major clog in our kitchen sink somewhere that Drano won’t fix, so the sink obviously won’t drain. And on I think Thursday or Friday night, the dishwasher kept filling up with water and leaking, and my mom and I kept trying to get the water out of it with a glass and it kept on filling up and leaking. Half the kitchen was flooded. I didn’t go to bed until 3:15 that night. It reminded me somewhat of that one guy in Hell who had to roll a boulder up a hill and it kept rolling back down again. We never did get it to stop leaking that night. But the next day Mom found the wet/dry Shop-Vac which made cleaning up the water much easier.
Kitties!
There’s a family of cats living down near our barn in a patch of blackberry brambles, as well as three kittens, whom I’ve already named. There’s a brown-and-white one, my favorite because it almost always comes to me when I call it, called Bramble. There’s a black-and-white one called Blackberry and an all-brown sort of stripy-looking one called Ruby Soho. They’re so adorable.
6.20.05
I Have Been to Powell’s. I Can Now Die a Happy Girl.
Today, I went shopping downtown with a friend. We went to Powell’s, which before today I had only seen the outside of. That place is—well, I don’t know how big exactly it is, but I believe “fucking huge” would be an apt description. They had maps at all the counters. MAPS. I have never seen a bookstore that had to have maps. And about five floors of books! Fucking huge! To quote Belle in “Beauty and the Beast”: “I’ve never seen so many books in all my life!” I bought four used books. I would have bought more, except that I went to the Town Center on Saturday and bought the book The Exorcist (and in hindsight, I could probably have waited and bought it used) and the movie “Spirited Away,” which I’ve been wanting for-fucking-ever and which was on sale.
After Powell’s, we went to this tiny little pizza place across the street that I can’t remember the name of, and had lunch. I only had a slice of pizza and a pop, but the pizza slice was, as was the bookstore across the street from it, fucking huge.
Next stop: Everyday Music. By this time my limited cash had run out, so I could only look, but I did listen to the new Sleater-Kinney CD and it was quite good. And they had the Sugarcubes! I wished I had money at that point.
The last place we went was a second hand clothing store that I am racking my brain trying to remember the name of and I just can’t. Sorry. So, all in all, we spent about two and a half hours downtown. I so rarely get to go downtown that I’m always elated when I can go.
6.18.05
Buddy effing creeped me out last night.
I was home alone last night and at exactly 1 AM, my dog, for no reason that I can comprehend, howled. Like howling-at-the-moon type howl. It fucking scared the living shit out of me. He’s never howled before. Ever.
Speaking of the moon...
There’s an email going around—I didn’t get it, but my mom did—that says that Mars will pass unusually close to Earth in August and will be especially large and bright. Well ... technically that’s true. But, it already happened—in August of ’03. Sometimes the circulating email will have a phrase similar to “Mars will look as large as the full moon to the naked eye.”
This does NOT mean that with the naked eye, Mars will look as large as the full moon. This is impossible as the moon is approximately 250,000 miles away, and Mars is in the neighborhood of 3-4 million miles away. The sentence is missing some crucial information; it should read:
“With a 75-magnification telescope, Mars will look as large as the full moon looks to the naked eye.” The “naked eye” part refers to the MOON, not Mars. If Mars really did look as large as the full moon sans telescope, it should read:
“Mars will look, to the naked eye, as large as the full moon.”
Damn grammar can get you every time, can’t it?
6.12.05
After Over Two Years...
On May 2, 2003, I met Daria O’Neill, then of 94.7 KNRK, now of 105.1 The Buzz. Details of that meeting can be found in one of the archives, though I forget which one—I think number 5, though. Anyway, someone took a picture of the two of us together with Daria’s digital camera, and she said she’d send it to me soon. Well ... okay, it wasn’t soon, but better late than never, as one of my grade-school teachers used to say. I got it yesterday via snail mail, along with two other pix of her and Gustav that I didn’t scan (sorry, but I like being the only person—I think—besides Daria to see those pix). Click the link below to see the picture:
It doesn’t look like I’m smiling, but trust me, I couldn’t stop smiling. I don’t like smiling with my teeth because I look like a dork.
6.03.05
Things I Love
Nothing really new today, but I did add three things to my “Things I Love” list, and made minor changed to two of them.
5.16.05
No-Longer-Stinky Doggie
My brother and I gave our dog, a black Lab named Buddy, a bath yesterday. Which was... an event, to say the least. I can’t remember the last time he had one. Just getting the dog into the bathtub was a challenge. I had to leave the bathroom for a minute or two while my brother tried to coax Buddy in. “I got your bone,” he wheedled. “Look, see, it’s your squeaky bone. Want your bone? You gotta get in the water to get it,” etc, etc. When my brother succeeded in getting Buddy into the bathtub, I re-entered the bathroom. My brother did the brunt of the washing but I offered assistance when necessary, the bulk of the assistance being “squirt some more shampoo on him, will you?” and pushing the dog back when he spotted an opening in our not-very-tight security and tried to jump out of the tub. But for the most part, once we got Buddy in the tub he was pretty calm, and we managed to get whatever he rolled in last week off of him. He did shake twice in the bathtub, “...once to piss me off,” said my brother, who got the full effect of that one. When we finally finished, the bathroom floor was soaking wet. Took about three or four towels to finally get everything dried off. Will use the hose outside next time Buddy smells funny...
4.23.05
Fred Dursts Numba One Fann’s Reviews, Part Deux
Okay, so apparently the website that the Korn review below was on is messed up, and they put the wrong names with each review. I shoulda known. Why should only one of his reviews make sense? I found FDNOF’s “real” review on that same website (which I can’t remember the link to ... oh wait, it was goldlyrics.com I think) and yep, it was the same “buy these poser corporate bands” tripe.
While I’m on the subject of this Fred Durst fan douchebag, here’s my thought on what goes through his head immediately before he starts to write a review:
1. I’ve never heard of this band before! I’m going to go out and immediately waste 15 bucks on a CD of their music without DOING ANY EFFING RESEARCH to find out if I might like them!
2. The guy at the record store said it “wuz” good, so I bought it. Not my fault.
3. The record store guy looked like a fat version of a B-list celebrity.
4. This band from 1980 is copying a band from 2002! Wow! Music artists MUST be rich, they even get their own time machines!
5. I haven’t heard this band on TRL or American Idol, so they must be bad! If you’re not on TRL or American Idol, you suck, and you’re not the “troo” “medal” or punk. ...What? Joe Strummer is dead and therefore can’t appear on TRL? Well they have time machines, don’t they???
6. OMG THIS IS NOT THE “TROO” PUNK/MEDAL THIS SUXXORS OMFG!!!!111!!oneoneone!!eleven
7. I will now list a bunch of lame poser corporately-manufactured bands and tell people to waste their money on these losers: Linkin Park, Limp Bizkit, Good Charlotte, Avril Lavigne... etc. I will now tell people that these are the “troo” punk and “medal” bands and they should buy them! Mua ha ha ha!
8. I will now laugh at everyone who believes one word of my reviews.
4.22.05
Birdie, Birdie, In the ... Fireplace?
About 11:45 in the morning my mom came into my room holding a small dark object. My lamp wasn’t turned on so I couldn’t tell what it was at first. “It’s a starling,” said my mom, holding the bird closer to me. “It was in the fireplace.”
“The fireplace?” I said, stroking the bird’s head with my finger. I almost expected it to peck me but it didn’t, even when I pulled a piece of cobweb off its stomach. The bird being in the fireplace was odd, as we have a woodstove. “I’ve never touched a wild bird before,” I mused.
“Yeah,” she said, going toward the bathroom so she could let the bird out the bathroom window. She opened the window and the bird flew happily away. “I was upstairs, and Buddy was barking at something, so I thought there was somebody at the door. So I go downstairs and I hear this”—she hammered her fingers against the bathroom door, making a whappity whappity whappity sound—“this sound, and I’m thinking ‘What the hell?’ So I’m looking around, and finally I looked in the fireplace and he was in there.”
So now we’ve had a bird in our fireplace.
4.20.05
Amazon.com Attention Whores
Oh dear God, how I love amazon.com. I use it to preview books and CDs I may be interested in buying. But sometimes I read reviews that either anger me, or throw me for a loop. This guy does both. His nickname is “Fred Dursts Numba One Fann” and his reviews are so ignorant that I’m too busy laughing my ass off to really be angry. Some of his reviews, which are all one-star reviews:
The Clash: London Calling Yo everyone, whut is up?? I love all things heavy and hardcore, and I'm always looking to add to my collection!! One day I was watching a countdown about the all time greatest albums and this album was pretty high up there!! I had never heard it at all, but since they said it wuz a great punk album I went out and bought it and was hoping it was like my favorite punk bands, Good Charlotte and Blink 182!! Oh my gawd, I've never been soooo let down, it wasn't the high octane punk I've come to expect from great tRL bands, it had annoying dub beats, weird bass patterns, and some tunes even had horns!!! How lame is that anyway?? Don't be fooled by the album cover, they may try and look tough by smashing their guitars, but inside the music is really wimpy. Also, their is no rap or hip-hop at all on this album, and thats really lame!! Come on guys, get with the program, will ya?? If you want the tRU hardcore and heavy stuff, please stick with Limp Bizkit, Linkin Park, Good Charlotte, Blink 182, Staind, Puddle Of Mudd, Trapt, and that cute punk princess, Avril Lavigne!! Avoid this album, its old, tired, and lifeless!! On top of that, they've never been on TRL which isn't a good sign!! And remember, the prince of punk is Good Charlotte's singer, and the princess is the one and only Avril Lavigne!! Peace out....
Okay. First off, Good Charlotte, Blink 182 and Avril are not punk. Second, the other bands he mentioned all suck donkey balls. Third, we all know that TRL existed in 1979, hosted by an (around) eight-year-old Carson Daly, and people were already sick of him. Oh, wait, no it didn’t!
Nirvana: In Utero Hey party people, what is down?? A guy at the mall that looks like a fat version of Jim Carey said I should check out this righteous band Nirvana!! What a mistake that turned out to be, this Nirvana band is an insult to what TRU grunge should be about, and thats having catchy, radio friendly hits with clean production and sing-along versus!! If you want TRU grunge, stick with the inventors, like Puddle Of Pudd, Creed, Shinedown, Seether, Chevelle, Godsmack, Default, The Calling, Green Day and the brutal Good Charlotte!! For more godly sounds check into Linkin Park (gods of melodic metal), Disturbed and KoRn (gods of death metal) and Limp Bizkit (gods of all music!!) Peace out grunge wanna be's!!
I don’t think I really need to add anything to this; I’ll just repeat my favorite line: “[T]his Nirvana band is an insult to what TRU grunge shoudl be about, and thats having catchy, radio friendly hits with clean production and sing along versus!!”... I rest my case. He does get one point for liking Green Day.
Alice in Chains: Dirt Wow, whut iz going down this nite people?? Ever since Puddle Of Mudd hit it big and creating the current grunge movment resulting in much media hype there have been many poser bands and third rate immitators trying to copy the sound. Of course this weird band Alice In Chains falls into that later catagory of poseurs and bangwagon bands immitating!! When I tried to listen to the opening tracks like "Dem Bones" and "Darn That River" I laughed at how much this "singer" sounds like Wes from Puddle Of Mudd and how their guitar riffs and bass patterns try to mimick the Mudd also!! But their lyrics have no deep meaning and the music is devoid of any passion, so you must avoid!! Also these fellas have never been on TRL so that tells you right there their no good!! I wish these bands would get original already and not just immitate the gods like Puddle Of Mudd, Trapt, Nickleback, Default, Seether, Saliva, and Tantric!! Peace out Alice In Chainz fans...
Um. Yeah. Layne Staley was copying Wes from Puddle of Crudd.
...
I think you have it back-ass-wards, dude.
99% of his other reviews are like this. I’m wondering why the hell he keeps buying music he hates. However, I did find one review by searching Lycos that is apparently by this guy; however, in the review, he disses all the bands he previously said he liked! This is what makes me wonder if all his amazon.com reviews are all “joke reviews”—after all, nobody could be THAT ignorant when it comes to music:
Korn: Untouchables (I don’t like Korn; I found this via a web search) You know, I believe my musical tastes have progressed enough to be able to laugh at korn. For starters, all of their music sounds exactly the same. But still...their music is missing something, oh yeah, music! I mean, what is this?? Truly, korn could only be enjoyed by the desperate 12 year-olds trying to fit in with what they think modern popular music is. I can't blame them however, they can't help it. I blame radio stations and mTV, both of which have destroyed decent music by repeating the nu-metal/rap-metal music that people like me can't help but laugh at. Anyway, like i said, there is absolutley no musicianship anywhere on this cd. Now, some of you may be thinking: 'This is metal, there is not supposed to be melody on here!' You may be right. I wouldn't call this 'metal', this is nu-metal. Nu-metal are bands like: korn, limp bizkit, linkin park, disturbed, tool, deftones etc. Many of you are probably shaking with anger now that ive dissed your favorite bands. But please, you want metal? Listen to metal!! Try metallica, megadeth, iron maiden. You could even go back farther to led zeppelin era. As for melody, if you want it, but want the metal may i suggest the extreme? These being: In Flames, Children of Bodom, At the Gates, Soilwork, Opeth, Death. Although, these bands may be a bit too rough for those of you used to nu-metal. I gave this cd 2 stars because, although the music is terrible (actaully non-existent) i have always enjoyed the covers korn puts on their cds. Think about it ;]
Okay. What? He can spell now (well, relatively better)? The hell? I’m ... so ... confused. Unless it’s not the same guy. But this review is from 2002 and the others, above, were from 2003 or later.
So what have we learned? Either this “Fred Dursts Numba One Fann” is an ignorant douche who knows nothing about music—ANY kind of music, or he’s a brilliant parody-writer who enjoys taking other people for walks. I seriously have no clue.
4.8.05
How To Wake Up Without Coffee
1. Let the dog into your room at 7 am.
2. Slam your thumb in the door.
3. Curse for ten full minutes.
Books, Books, Books
We readers seem to be a dying breed.... Last week I went to the Town Center and got Mirror, Mirror by Gregory Maguire (adult version of Snow White), Do Elephants Jump by David Feldman (the latest Imponderables book; there’s a rather amusing sentence in the “Letters” section to the effect of “the Red Sox will field a promising team that will wilt in the clutch.” Oh, if only the book was published a year later...), and the one I’m currently reading, The Hunchback of Notre Dame by Victor Hugo. I’m a little more than halfway through it and I can say with all certainty that it is NO-THING like the Disney film. There have been maybe ten pages altogether that even come close to being maybe possibly kind of sort of like the Disney film. Although I will say that the Disney version is a good movie in and of itself. If it weren’t based off any existing book (like they did with the Lion King), it would be a really good movie. And I still think the “Hellfire” scene whoops ass, and the part at the very end, when the little girl hugs Quasimodo, always makes me cry. (Hey, what can I say?)
I also got an application to Borders (formerly Waldenbooks, and I still call it that; it had been Waldenbooks since I was a child and you can’t change twenty-plus years of habit all at once), so I’m hoping I’ll have a job soon.
4.1.05
Comedian Mitch Hedburg Dead
This is NOT an April Fool’s joke—this is true, unfortunately. Mitch Hedberg was one of my absolute most favorite comedians, and I missed seeing him the last time he came to Portland. It’s too late now. Apparently, he died of a heart attack:
Some quotes:
“I like rice. Rice is good when you’re hungry and you want 2000 of something.”
“I interviewed for a job, and the lady asked me ‘What do I want to be doing in five years?’ I said, ‘Celebrating the 5-year anniversary of you asking me that question.’”
“At my hotel room, my friend once came over and asked to use the phone. I said ‘Certainly.’ He said ‘Do I have to dial 9?’ I said ‘Yeah, especially if it's in the number.’”
“One time a guy handed me a picture of himself, and he said, ‘Here's a picture of me when I was younger.’ Every picture of you is of when you were younger. Here's a picture of me when I am older. You son of a bitch, how'd you pull that off? Let me see that camera...”
Comic fucking genius.
3.28.05
Macaroni Grill
I went out last night for my birthday dinner to Macaroni Grill, in Portland, with my family. I had my heart set on manicotti—my now-second-favorite food (Pad Thai noodles have usurped the stuffed pasta), and they didn’t have it! What the fuck kind of Italian restaurant doesn’t have manicotti? The fuck! I got chicken cannelloni instead, which was quite tasty. And a drink called a “tiratini” which was basically like drinking a tiramisu, with lots of extra al-key-hol. And a huge-ass honkin’ hunk of chocolate cake, of which I only ate half of last night; it was seriously huge. I wanted tiramisu though, but I get tiramisu for dessert at Italian restaurants almost every time, so I thought I’d switch up a little bit. The cake’s delicious—but just a wee bit too rich.
