So I ended up writing something marginally clinically insane yesterday. Someone posted this comment to the lotrmpreg mailing list:
>>>Is there a story where Saruman or Sauron would be the "fathers" of Legolasī child? I think that it would be a wonderful angsty story :)
I just couldn't resist. So this is what my head came up with:
Legolas stands in as surrogate flesh body father for the poor disembodied eyeball? There are limits to what power even a ring can provide, after all. The eyes of Sauron, the voice of Saruman, the butt of Legolas... Oooooh... somebody write the fic just so I can daydream about the offspring when he comes of age.
Saruman to Sauron: "Just because you can't take physical form does not get you out of diaper duty!"
And I'd like to see anyone sneaking out after dark with those parents.
Legolas: "And where do you think you've been?"
Annoying Teen: "Oh. Um. I just went out to practise my night vision archery."
(Sauron arches 10 ft mystical eyebrow)
(Legolas and Saruman fold arms and glare)
Sauron: "I see..... everything.... all of it...."
(Annoying Teen edges. Looks at the corporeal parents sceptically yet with last ditch hope in eyes)
Annoying Teen: "You're going to take the word of an evil Lord over that of your sweet faced child?"
(Sauron sniffles)
Saruman: "That's your father you're talking about, and you will show more respect."
Legolas: "And besides, we saw it all on the palantir."
(Annoying Teen scowls at fascinating spot inch up Saruman's staff)
Sauron: "So no more running about Mount Doom with any hobbits, ok?"
Legolas: "They spend far too much time smoking and drinking. It's not healthy. If I catch you smoking one more time..."
Annoying Teen (pleadingly): "But I swear, I didn't mean to, it's hard having various parts of my anatomy wreathed in flame, it's impossible to control, I swear, it was all a big accident... I swear... I'm sorry, I'm sorry...."
(Descends into snivelling mound)
(Legolas leaves to fetch tissues, Saruman hugs Annoying Teen soothingly, Sauron just glares at Saruman to sound of snotty whimpering)
Saruman: "What?"
Sauron: "I told you I should have quit work after he was born, but no, you had to bring up politics...."
Ok, I really didn't mean that response to go on for so long. But I'm going to stop this mini-rant right here before I start telling you the inspirational theory that Gollum was really the Annoying Teen. There's a cunning plot twist, lots of angst, and possibly a dolphin. Someone must have forgotten to give me my meds that morning.
I've been meaning to write some raptures about The Art of the LotR movies. I went and bought myself the books on wednesday. But it'll have to wait, because it's going to be a big-un, and I think I might actually need basic brain neurone activity to wax lyrical to quite the extent that I would like. Gack, 6 hours sleep in the last 63 hours. I think I might be turning into some narcophobic masochist or something.
well.. it's like I said!