Welcome to globalg UK online



Powered by NewJoke.com

Yoo Beauty...

Ha Ha Ha what merriment.Do yourself a favor & check out these little nuggets .A portion of rib crackin british chortlers gathered for ya.Scroll carefully so you don't miss the punchlines and remember when you have had your sides sewn back together pop back as these old chestnuts will be updated every week.You have been warned... Please bear in mind these jokes are not my view on life ,they just make me laugh, so please do not get on your high horse and start givin me the rightious lecture. Its fun so please take it that way....Thanx..lets get on with it..


****NEW GAME SHOW****NEW GAME SHOW****

HIJAK A PLANE WIN A COUNCIL HOUSE.. Good evening and welcome to a brand new edition of ASYLUM.Todays programme features another chance to take part in our exciting competition.Hijack an airliner and win a council house.

We've already given away hundreds of millions of pounds and thousands of dream homes,courtesy of our sponsor the british tax payer.and don't forget we're now the fastest growing game on the planet.

Anyone can play,provided they don't hold a valid british passport.You only need one word of English....ASYLUM.Prizes include all expenses paid accommadation,cash benefits starting at £180 per week and a chance to earn thousands more begging, mugging and accosting drivers at traffic lights.

This competition is open to everyone buying a ticket or stowing away on one of our partner airline,ferry companies or Eurostar.No application ever refused,reasonable or unreasonable.All you have to do is destroy all your papers and remember the magic word...ASYLUM.

Only this week 140 members of the taliban family from Afghanistan were flown goat class from Kabul to our international gateway at Stansted,where local law enforcment were on hand to fasttrack them to their luxury £200 per night rooms in thr fabulous four star Hilton hotel.They join tens of thousands of other lucky winners, already staying in hotels all over britain.

Our most popular destinations include the white cliffs of Dover and the world famous Toddington services area in historic Bedfordshire.

If you still don't understand the rules don't forget there's no need to phone a friend or ask the audience, just apply for legal aid.Hundreds of lawyers,social workers and counsellors are waiting to help,it will not cost you a penny.

So play today it could change your life forever.Iraqi terrorists,afghan dissidents, albanian gangsters,pro pinochet activists,anti pinochet activists,Kosovan drug smugglers , Tamil tigers,bogus bosnians rwandan mass murderes,somali guerillas.....Come on down.

Get along to the airport,get along to the lorry park,get along to the ferry terminal. Don't stop in germany or france,go straight to britain and you are guarenteed to be one of our tens of thousands of winners in the softest game on earth.


Jim Morrison and the Doors are lounging in a hotel room after a gig, indulging in a customary "celebrity sherbet" session with John Lennon and Elvis. Suddenly, in walks Michael Caine with his latest wife. Caine darts into the kitchen to fix some Martinis, and his wife proceeds to fellate Jim, before working her way through the rest of the band. Excitedly, she moves on to Lennon, when Michael Caine saunters back through. Filled with rage he bellows:"You were only supposed to blow the bloody doors off!"


NEWS FLASH....NEWS FLASH....NEWS FLASH...NEWS FLASH...

News report stating that Vanessa Feltz has just been detained at Heathrow airport by HM customs. Apparently she was found to have 43 pounds of crack in her underware!!!!


....Jokes....Jokes....Jokes....Jokes....Jokes....Jokes.... Thanx.

Tommy was a young boy when he first learnt the harsh lessons of life.Whilst out shopping with his mother one day he attempted to thrust his arm up a fellow shoppers skirt much to his mothers disgust."Tommy" she screamed you cannot do that & in a bid to frighten her son told him that ladies have rows of very sharp teeth up there skirts.Tommy took this piece of advice on board and indeed it remained with him through his teens until one day he found himself with his first girlfriend at the age of 23!!!Now this girl was very fruity and after hours of cajolling Tommy into a sexual act ,she could do no more, but still Tommy would not go further than kissing & cuddling.Eventually she took tommys trembling hand and guided it over her breasts and slowly down to her garden of eden.On arrival Tommy jumped up."Whatever is the matter" wailed his alarmed girlfriend."Well when I was a boy, my mum said all girls had teeth by there minges" explained Tommy."Dont be silly" the girl replied "I havent got any teeth down there".With that Tommy raised her skirt to look."Bloody hell,Im not surprised ,look at the state of your gums !!!HA HA HA You beauty...


A kindly gent met a beautiful girl and agreed to spend the night with her for £500. So they did. Before he left, he told her that he did not have any cash with him, but that he would have his secretary write a check and mail it to her, calling the payment "RENT FOR APARTMENT. " On the way to the office, he regretted what he had done, realizing that the whole event was not worth the price. So he had his secretar send a check for £250 and enclosed a note:
Dear Madam:
Enclosed find a check in the amount of £250 for rent of your apartment. I am not sending the amount agreed upon because when I rented the apartment I was under the impression that:
(1.) it had neven been occupied;
(2.) that there was plenty of heat;
(3.) that it was small enough to make me cozy and at home......
Last night, however, I found that it had been previously occupied, that there wasn't any heat, and that it was entirely too large.
Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately returned the check for £250 with the following note:
Dear Sir:
First of all, I cannot understand how you expect a beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely. As for the heat, there is plenty of it if you know how to turn it on. Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed of regular size but if you don't have enough furniture to fill it, please don't blame the landlord.


The teacher had given the class an assignment. He stresses the importance of this particular assignment, and that no excuses will be accepted except illness (with a medical certificate) or a death in the immediate family (with a note from that member). A smart-ass student pipes up: "What about extreme sexual exhaustion, sir?" The class breaks up laughing, and when they settle down the teacher responds with: "Well, I guess you'll have to learn to write with your other hand."


If you are married the you may already know this little chestnut but peruse anyway it's a gem...
1) The first is Smurf Sex. This happens during the honeymoon period; you both keep doing it until you're blue in the face.
2) The second is Kitchen Sex. This is at the beginning of the marriage; you'll have sex anywhere, anytime, even in the kitchen.
3) The third kind is Bedroom Sex. You've calmed down a bit, perhaps have kids, so you gotta do it in the bedroom.
4) The fourth kind is Hallway Sex. This is the phase in which you pass each other in the hallway and say, "Fuck you!"
5) There is also a fifth kind of sex: Courtroom Sex. This is when you get divorced and your wife screws you in front of everyone in the courtroom.


Q..How do you tell if a chick is to fat to fuck?
A..When you pull her pants down and her arse is still in them.


Q..What is the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker?
A.. hooker can wash her crack and sell it again!


Q..Do you know why they call it the wonder bra?
A..When you take it off you wonder where her tits went.


YOO Beauty that ones got em rollin in the ailies.If you think you are a comedian then send your best ones in to me or indeed visit the guest page & leave a few chortlers there. You know it makes sense my friend...