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Ok, so you are questioning your sexual identity. Am I Gay? You're asking yourself this question and desperately seeking an
answer. Unfortunately, the only person that can answer that question is you. There is no litmus test here. You have to decide
your identity and only you, don't let others make up your mind for you and don't let society make that judgement for you.
I guess what you might want to ask yourself is "Do I fancy men?" If the answer is yes, then you could be gay, bisexual or
just curious. But lets not pigeon hole yourself just yet. For instance, have you ever thought to yourself "Hmmm, He's quite
cute" or, "He's got a nice arse" well, if you have I guess its fair to say that you have some sort of attraction towards members
of the same sex at least. You might want to ask yourself if you have the same sort of feelings toward women. And maybe compare
the strength of the feelings. Quite often many gay men when they first come out think they may be Bisexual because it is slightly
more socially acceptable and easier to deal with at first. It maybe that as you become more sure of your feelings that you
decide that you are gay.
Only you can decide what "category" you most identify yourself with. Go out and meet other gay people, go on a few dates and
explore your sexuality. Eventually you will know where your desires and emotions are taking you, then you will know. Whether
gay, bi or straight it is important that you make up your own mind and don't let anyone else force you.
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Active — (Also: "Top", "Insertive partner"). The guy who takes the role during sex which involves sticking his cock (or finger
or hand) into the other guy's arse (or mouth). Sometimes it's about taking a dominant role when having sex.
Bareback — Fucking without condoms. This was the way that most gay men fucked before they learned about HIV and AIDS. Even
since discovering how HIV is transmitted many gay men continue to fuck without using condoms because they prefer it that way.
This doesn't mean that positive men do it because they want to spread HIV, or that negative men do it because they want to
be infected. The majority of gay men use condoms when fucking, whatever their HIV status. If you decide to have bareback sex
you should not assume that your partner has the same status as you. You are not always going to be right. Even if you
know you and your partner are both HIV positive there are risks attached to Barebacking. Positive men may be re-infected with
a drug resistant strain or a more aggressive strain of HIV.
Bisexuality — Not all gay men think of, or refer to, themselves as 100% gay. Some enjoy sex with women as well as men. HIV
can be transmitted through particular sexual acts, which can only be done with either a man or a woman at any one moment.
Like everyone else, bisexuals can only be infected from unsafe sexual acts with a man or a woman.
Bondage — Tying up or being tied up by a sexual partner can be very erotic and a great turn-on for guys who like surrendering
or exchanging control. Bondage in itself is risk free from HIV transmission and other sexual infections, but unsafe sexual
acts during bondage are dangerous. Bondage can be risky unless done with someone you trust - you don't want to be robbed,
beaten up (or worse) or forced to take part in unsafe sexual acts. It can be risky to tie things around the neck; don't tie
knots too tight, or keep a guy tied up too long. Check him often to see that his breathing or circulation is not dangerously
affected. During lengthy scenes it's good to change the restraints and positions every now and then to avoid circulation problems,
nerve damage, or muscle and joint aches.
Branding — Ouch! From the point of view of HIV transmission, branding is probably safe due to the very high temperatures involved.
However wounds should be kept clean and sterile. It is important not to let anyone else's blood or cum get ontothe wounds.
Cock sucking — Also known as a blowjob, giving head, deep throat, oral sex, and fellatio. The great thing about cock sucking
is how easy it is. Almost any position will do: standing or sitting, kneeling or lying down. You and your partner don't even
need to fully undress, which makes it ideal for a quickie.
The risk of HIV transmission is very much smaller than through fucking without condoms. You can lower the risk of transmission
still further by not getting Cum in the mouth - in virtually all reported cases of oral transmission the infected person got
cum in their mouth - bleeding gums, cuts, or sores in the mouth and inflamtion caused by throat infections, allergies, or
sexually transmitted diseases such as gonorrhoea are also thought to make cock sucking more risky.
Condoms — Using condoms when you fuck is the most effective way of preventing transmission of HIV and other sexual infections,
although they are not guaranteed to be 100% safe, but they are close to that if they are used properly. Things to watch out
for include taking care not to tear them when oping the packet, using water-basaed lubricant rather than oil based ones which
can rot the rubber, and putting them on correctly. They should be put on when the cock is hard and checked from time to time
to see that they are not torn or slipping off. Have a look at the more detailed pages on condom use.
CP (Corporal punishment) — As with bondage and SM, mutual consent is important. There is no risk of HIV transmission unless
the skin is cut, which can happen. Even if the skin is cut, the risk is small and the only danger is if blood or semen comes
into contact with the cuts. There can be risks of physical damage if you do 'heavy' CP. Make sure you don't hit delicate parts
of the body such as near the kidneys or less fleshy parts of the body, such as the head and back. It is best to stick to parts
of the body that have large muscles, like the buttocks. It is much easier to seriously hurt someone with a whip than the impression
you might get from a flogging scene in a film.
Cruising — Cruising refers to going to a place where gay men gather to look for sex. Cruising can take place anywhere - in
bars, clubs, saunas or bathhouses, etc, or in public places like Hampstead Heath, Clapham Common, or public toilets (also
known as cottaging). There is no risk of HIV transmission from cruising itself, but obviously if you decide to have sex, all
of the advice in these pages applies. Keep in mind that the places where gay men cruise may also attract muggers or gay-bashers.
Dildos and butt plugs — As a rule it is best not to share sex toys because of the risks of infection. Wash the dildo or butt
plug in very hot soapy water after use or use a condom on them when using them for fucking. If you do decide to share your
toy(s) with a partner then thoroughly clean them before swapping over or use a new condom each time the dildo or butt plug
goes up another arse.
Dressing for Sex — Why not spice up your sex life with a little role play or dressing up? The possibilities are as endless
as you and your partners' imaginations: leathermen, squaddies or seamen(!), cops & robbers, construction workers, or footie
kit. True, leather and rubber gear or other fetishwear can be expensive although you can have fun on a budget. Scruffy boots,
faded & ripped jeans, and an old T-shirt can give you a building site or farm labourer look. Whatever takes your fancy.
Enemas and douches — Feeding liquid, usually warm water, into the arse to clean it (douche) or fill it up (enema). There is
an increased risk if you are fucked without a condom after an enema or douche because fucking can cause irritations and tears
inside you, which can make it easier for the virus to enter your bloodstream. It can also wash away any natural protection
that the arse may have against HIV. On their own they are totally safe as long as you don't share your equipment with anyone
else. If you do share, it's best to clean and sterilise them ( see Sex Toys). It is safest not to put any kind of chemicals
into the enema.
Felching — Rimming your partner after you've cum up his arse, sucking your own cum from your partner's arse or drinking thecontents
from a condom. The risks are mainly from fucking him in the first place (if there's no condom). Apparently, an American definition
of Felching is inserting a small rodent, such as a gerbil, up someone's arse. Lets not go there, its not nice being
unkind to small, furry animals!
Fingering — Inserting one or more fingers into your or your partner's arse. It's a good idea to keep fingernails short for
fingering or fisting.
Fisting (fist fucking) — Inserting your hand inside your partner's arse. As with fingering, it's best to keep fingernails
short and unbroken and wise to take off any jewellery and watches. If you are going to fist you need lot's of lubricant. Aqueous
cream, which is water-based is very good. Crisco (an American brand of vegetable shortning) and other oil-based lubricants
are not used as often now, as it can cause condoms to break if you fuck afterwards. Unprotected fucking after fisting is extra
risky because of cuts and trauma fisting often causes.
Using gloves and water-based lube can increase trauma because the guy doing the fisting won't be able to feel what he's doing.
Since fists are big there is a risk of serious tears inside the arse and even internal bleeding or damage to internal organs.
If the hand is inserted a long way up the arse, beyond the rectum, it is possible to do damage without being aware of it at
the time. This is even more likely if recreational drugs are used as they dull the sense of pain. It is dangerous to try fisting
for the first time with someone who is inexperienced in the hazards.
Flagellation, flogging — see CP
Frottage — This is rubbing your body, or your cock, against your partner's body. Free of risk from HIV transmission unless
one of you cums and the cum gets in a cut or on to broken skin.
Fucking — Penetrating another man's arse. This is the most risky sexual activity in terms of transmission of HIV and other
sexually transmitted infections. The 'fucker' gets enjoyment in his cock while the 'fuckee' gets the thrill of having his
prostate gland, deep inside his arse, massaged. There is a unique shared sense of deep satisfaction from fucking. Both partners,
especially if in love, can experience intense emotional satisfaction and a sense of physical fusion and oneness. Using condoms
and plenty of water based lubricant significantly decreases the risk of transmission of HIV and other sexual infections. Seealso
Bareback and MetroM8's section on STIs.
Getting in the Mood — There are many things guys enjoy or use when preparing for, or having, sex. These can include music
playing in the background, dressing in their favourite or perviest gear (see Dressing for Sex above), or using things to enhance
their mood such as alcohol, poppers, or other recreational drugs. Many gay books or guides advise against using these, although
we mention them here so you can make your own choice:-
Alcohol
Alcohol is fine every now and then to satisfy your thirst and enhance your enjoyment. On the plus side it can make you feel
more confident and sociable. However, remember that alcohol is also a drug and can lower your inhibitions and your ability
to stay in control of your actions. Other downsides are that too much alcohol can make you seem aggressive or unattractive.
It can also prevent you from getting or maintaining a hard-on.
Recreational Drugs
The use of recreational drugs is a part of many a gay man's social and sexual life. This may include the use of poppers (amyl
or butyl nitrates), cannabis, ecstasy, cocaine, ketamine, GHB, acid, heroin, speed, crystal meth, etc. Although many of us
have experimented with drug use at some time in our lives, long term use can be detrimental to your health (whether you are
HIV + or HIV -) and, in general, drug use suppresses your resistance to infection, especially from bacteria. Many people who
use drugs do it to to get the feeling of being 'out of it', or losing their inhibitions. This can be a great feeling but it
also means that you might do things you wouldn't normally do - including having unsafe sex. If you are using needles to inject
drugs, sharing them or using ones that have already been used is one of the easiest ways to get HIV or other diseases such
as hepatitis.
If you are HIV +, recreational drug use is likely to lower your immune response, which means you will be putting yourself
at risk of developing other infections and feeling generally run down. Also, some recreational drugs - mainly pills - interact
with some HIV drugs. You can find out more about drug interactions by talking to your HIV Doctor - he'll keep it confidential
- or looking here.
Group Sex — Group sex, threesomes or more, is common amongst gay men. Negotiation of safer sex during group sessions may be
more difficult for some people. You may feel that there is peer pressure to 'just get on with it'. For some a true orgy is
one where you completely let yourself go. If you are going to be in this sort of situation you might want to work out what
your limits are beforehand.
Kissing — One of the most universal forms of sexual play, it is also a no-risk activity in itself. So, grab your partnerand
snog the face off him.
Making love - (ah, bless!) — This is probably the mostly widely used term for sexual activity. It is often used to mean sex
involving fucking but in reality can reflect all the different kinds of intimate pleasure two people can enjoy together. It
suggests the trust and mutual respect of guys who really care for each other.
Massage — Body massage is a wonderfully relaxing and intimate addition to sex. It reduces anxiety and tension and can be a
prelude to, or a part of, sex. Since there is no 'performance anxiety' guys are more able to relax and enjoy the sensations
of their body, or watch the reactions of their partner as they massage them. All parts of the body can be massaged, usually
using oils or powders. Massage itself is free of risk of HIV transmission. However, if you've used oils and you're going to
fuck with condoms it's best to wash bofore fucking so that the oil does not come into contact with the condom.
Masturbation — Wanking, jerking off, beating your meat, hand-job, call it what you like! The way most of us first discover
the joys of achieving orgasm. It can be a very satisfying way of cumming for most men whether solo or with a partner. Wanking
is risk free as there is no penetration involved. The cum ends up on you, not in you. It's best not to use someone else's
cum to lubricate your own cock; his cum could get inside your piss-hole and that might lead to HIV transmission.
Necrophilia — Or sex with a stiff - as in dead body. Don't go there! Unhygienic, unhealthy, and illegal.
Oral Sex — see Cock Sucking and Rimming
Orgies — see Group Sex
Passive — (Also: "Bottom", "Receptive partner"). The guy who takes the role during sex which involves taking another
guy's
cock (or finger or hand) into his arse (or mouth). Can imply that he is taking a compliant or submissive role.
Phone sex — Wanking, or jerking off, while talking dirty with a guy on the telephone is a completely risk free safer sex option.
It can be done with a friend, lover, or someone anonymous contacted via a telephone sex line or magazine advert.
Piercing — Some people see piercing as a form of erotic body decoration while others may enjoy temporary piercing as part
of an SM scene such as a 'hospital' fantasy. The most common decorative piercings are studs in the ears, face, and tongue
or rings through the ears, eyebrows, nipples, cock, or balls. The risk here is from shared needles or blades. It is best to
have piercing done by a registered professional who uses sterilised equipment and surgical steel jewellery. Non-sterile instruments
can pass on HIV and hepatitis, while poor quality jewellery can cause metal poisoning. If you are having sex with a pierced
partner be careful not to pull on or bite his piercings too hard as this could cause splits and bleeding. Swapping piercing
jewellery can carry some risks unless it has first sterilised.
Piss — see Watersports
Poppers — see Getting in the Mood
Porn — Porn videos, drawings, magazines, photographs, or stories can be used as an erotic aid while wanking - either solo
or with a partner - and, like phone sex, is a completely risk free safer sex option. Porn can also be a great way to of exploring
what turn's you on in sex - though it can lead to unrealistic expectations!.
Recreational Drugs — see Getting in the Mood
Rimming — Tonguing or licking another man's arse. Although there is no risk of HIV transmission there is a risk of passing
on a range of infections including viruses, bacteria and parasites. These can cause serious diseases in their own right, such
as Hepatitis A, and can be especially severe in someone already infected with HIV. Rimming even a seemingly clean arsehole
is potentially risky, as there are some highly infectious microscopic organisms which ordinary hygiene cannot be guaranteed
to deal with.
Scat, shit — As with rimming, the main risks with shit are not to do with HIV, but the transmission of a range of other infections
such ashepatitis A, if it gets in your mouth. In principle, shit on healthy unbroken skin should carry no risk unless you
dont wash carefully afterwards.
Sex toys — see also Dildos and butt plugs. People use an amazing variety of toys to enhance their sex life. If you walk into
any sex shop you can see lots of them: dildos, butt plugs, cock rings, nipple clamps, stimulators such as vibrators or vacuum
pumps. People also adapt all kinds of household objects for sexual purposes, which could lead to problems or embarassment
if they an odd shape or they get stuck up you. If you use sex toys for inserting into the arse, use your own toys on yourself
only, or clean them thoroughly before using them on a partner. Or you can use a condom on the toy when using it, which you
should change before inserting elsewhere. It's best not to insert anything that could break, splinter, or get lost inside
(use something that widens at the base)! When using the sex toy, or cleaning it, check for signs of ageing such as cracks
or fissures as these can be difficult to clean properly. If in doubt, get rid of the toy and buy a new one.
Shaving — Some people enjoy shaving the hair off their bodies or having someone else do this for them as part of a sexual
scene. The shaving might involve just the more intimate parts around the cock and balls, and arse, or all areas normally covered
by clothing; or it might literally mean.every inch of the skin. Only use razors on one person and make sure they are thrown
in the bin afterwards. If the skin is accidentally cut, clean it with water and antiseptic and cover it with a plaster. Be
aware that skin that has never been shaved before can itch a lot for a couple of weeks afterwards as the hair grows back.
SM (sado-masochism) — Some people achieve mutual sexual pleasure from consenting behaviour involving domination and submission,
role-playing, and pleasurable 'torture'. This may also involve dressing in fetish clothing such as leather or rubber. The
dominant partner (Master or Top) gets arousal from wielding power or being in control. The submissive partner (slave, or bottom)
can get his arousal by feeling powerless, vulnerable, and dependent.
As with other activities where you give up control it's best to practice SM with a partner you know and trust. It could be
dangerous doing things involving pain and restraint where the safety of the other person is dependent on good judgement. For
similar reasons deciding to enter into an SM scene when you're off your face might not be a wise move.
There are legal considerations for gay men. Since December 1990, following a ruling in a criminal case known as Operation
Spanner, it is illegal in Britain for gay men to engage in any sexual activity which is seen to cause "any injury, pain or
mark that was more than trifling and momentary", even when all parties involved want this to happen.
Tattooing — The risk here is that of shared needles or blades. If you want a tattoo, it is best to go to a recognised tattooist
who can assure you that their equipment is sterilised after each tattoo is done. See also Branding.
Versatile — This describes men who do not mind which 'role' they adopt when having sex, i.e. during anal sex, men who enjoy
fucking as well as being fucked.
Wanking — see Masturbation
Watersports — Some people get turned on by pissing on someone else or by pissing on themselves. There is no risk on pissing
on healthy unbroken skin. Although it has not been proven, there is a theoretical risk of HIV transmission through drinking
someone else's piss or pissing in their mouth or eyes.
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What does it mean to be a lesbian?
Lesbians are women-loving-women. We are women who are sexually attracted to other women. We are women who may feel emotionally
and spiritually closer to women. We are women who prefer women as our partners.
As lesbians, we are not alone. One out of ten teenagers is lesbian or gay. Many famous women in history were lesbians. Lesbians
are teachers, doctors, lawyers, factory workers, police officers, politicians, ministers, movie stars, artists, mothers, nuns,
truck drivers, models, novelists. You name it, we do it.
Lesbians are White, Black, Asian, Hispanic, Native American, Jewish, Catholic, Protestant, Buddhist. Lesbians are rich, poor,
working class, and middle class. Some lesbians are in heterosexual marriages. Some lesbians are disabled. Lesbians are young
women and old women. You name it, we are it.
Lesbians live in cities and in the country. We are everywhere.
How do I know if I'm a lesbian?
"When I was young I always wanted to grow up and live with my best girlfriend, and that feeling never changed as I got older"--Tammy,
age 17.
"When we're really young, we have crushes on girls, but then we're supposed to grow out of it. We're supposed to read books
about how girl meets boy and boy meets girl. Well, I'd never finish those books" -- Terryle, age 16.
During adolescence, most young women begin to be aware of sexual feelings and take an interest in dating. Many young women
feel physically attracted to men. But many other young women feel physically attracted to other women.
You may notice that you feel turned on by other women. You may feel different from your girlfriends, like you don't fit in
sometimes. When your girlfriends are checking out boys, you may find yourself checking out girls. Going out with boys may
not interest you. You may find yourself wondering, "Why aren't there any men like these terrific women I keep meeting?"
You may also feel confused or unsure about whether or not you're a lesbian. Many adults will tell us that we're too young
to call ourselves gay, or that we're going through a phase, or that we don't know what we're talking about. That's their way
of avoiding the fact that some of us are lesbian youth.
You may feel confused because you're attracted to both men and women. That's OK. Some women have relationships with both men
and women throughout their lives. Some may later decide to be exclusively lesbian or heterosexual.
Our sexuality develops over time. Don't worry if you aren't sure.
Am I normal?
"We're told that it's sick, or perverted, or sinful, or abnormal. But the people who tell us that are the same ones who say
that women belong in the kitchen, and that Black people are inferior, and that handicapped people are useless. Who's to say
what's normal? Some people think eating raw fish is normal, and other people think it's disgusting and abnormal"--Terryle,
age 16.
"I think we're very brave to have recognized this in ourselves and to have wanted to come to terms with it"--Natalie, age
18.
Yes, you are normal. It's perfectly natural for people to be attracted to members of their own sex. But it's not something
that's encouraged in our society. Many people push away these feelings because of prejudice against gay men and lesbians.
Most scientific experts agree that a person's sexual orientation is determined at a very young age, maybe even at birth.
It's normal and healthy to be yourself, whether you're gay or straight. What's really important is that we learn to like ourselves.
What is it like to be young and lesbian?
"I feel very powerful, special, independent, strong, and courageous" -Natalie, age 18.
"It's scary sometimes. I've felt very unsure of myself. But other times I feel wonderful and proud"--Terryle, age 16.
There's no "right" way or "wrong" way to be a lesbian. Because of society's stereotypes about lesbians that we've all grown
up with, you might think you have to be a certain way if you're a lesbian. But lesbians come in all shapes and sizes, from
all occupations, and with all levels of education.
Your sexual orientation is only one part of who you are. You probably have hobbies and interests that are the same as your
straight friends.
Because of homophobia and prejudice, some people don't accept lesbians and gay men. Lesbians and gay men suffer from discrimination
and violence. That's why there are many gay and lesbian organizations that work for gay and lesbian civil rights.
"Once I accepted myself and my sexuality, I found that I became more involved in life with my friends because I was more comfortable
with myself"--Tammi, age 18.
"I feel down and depressed a lot because of the homophobia that I'm constantly up against, but then I realize that I have
the power to educate other members of my generation"--Tammy, age 17.
Who should I tell?
"You shouldn't feel pressured to tell anyone at all until you are comfortable with the idea of being a lesbian yourself. Be
prepared that people's reactions will vary"--Tammi, age 18.
"Only tell someone if you feel you have enough support to face what may happen. Try to tell someone if you think you can't
deal with these feelings alone anymore. If you think your family might flip out, tell someone who might be more impartial"--Sarah,
age 19.
"When I told a couple of my friends, I told them I was no different now than I was five minutes before I told them, except
that now I wasn't keeping a big secret from them"--Terryle, age 16.
Coming out is the process of accepting yourself as a lesbian and figuring out how open you want to be about your sexual orientation.
Unfortunately, not everyone you know will think that being a lesbian is the greatest thing since sliced bread. It's hard to
know who can handle the information and give you support. Some friends may accept you. Some may turn away from you or tell
other people without your permission. Telling family can be very difficult. Some families are very supportive. But some lesbian
and gay youth have been kicked out of their homes when their parents found out.
Maybe there's a guidance counselor or social worker in your school, or in a local youth or counseling agency, that you can
trust. It's important to have someone to talk to because it's not normal or healthy for young people to have to keep secret
such an important part of their lives.
What about sex?
"First I would ask myself if I felt ready. Then I would talk to my partner to see if she felt ready. When you decide to have
sex, it feels good when you've made the right decision. Only you can know when it is and isn't right for you to have sex"
-- Tammi, age 18.
"Just because you're turned on to someone doesn't mean you're ready to have sex. You have to feel emotionally ready. It's
important that the two people talk about what they like and don't like. No one should have to do something they don't want
to do. There's no need to rush things. It'll come in time" -- Terryle, age 16.
Deciding whether or not to be sexual with someone is a big decision. You may feel very scared at the thought of having sex
with another women. That's OK. Lots of us do, especially if it's our first time.
Women aren't encouraged in our society to talk openly about sex, but it's important that we communicate about what we like
and don't like to do sexually, whether we feel ready to have sex or not, and different expectations we may have about the
relationship. And it's important to talk about whether we're at risk for HIV, the virus that is thought to cause AIDS, or
other sexually transmitted diseases, like herpes.
There are many ways that lesbians can be sexual with each other. We can give each other pleasure by holding, kissing, hugging,
stroking, stimulating each other's genitals with our tongues and hands, inserting our fingers into each other's vaginas, rubbing
our bodies together to stimulate each other, and anything else we want to do. We can use our imaginations!
Do I have to worry about AIDS?
All of us should know about HIV, the virus believed to be the cause of AIDS -- how it's transmitted and how we can prevent
ourselves from becoming infected. You and your partner should discuss your risk factors for HIV infection and decide what,
if any, safer sex methods you should use.
Lesbians who are at risk are those who:
Share needles if using IV drugs.
Have vaginal intercourse with men without using condoms. (It's fairly common for young lesbians to occasionally have sexual
contact with men.)
Have oral sex with an infected women without the use of a barrier to protect against infected vaginal secretions or menstrual
blood.
Safer sex for lesbians includes:
Use of a dental dam for oral-vaginal and oral-anal stimulation. A dental dam is a piece of latex about 5 inches square designed
for use in dental surgery. They are available at dental or medical supply stores.
Use of surgical gloves when sticking your fingers into your partner's vagina or ass, especially if you have tiny cuts or rashes
on your hands.
And all the other wonderful things that lesbians do together.
How do we learn to like ourselves?
"It's important that we don't deny our feelings. If we be who we truly want to be in our hearts, we can be surprised at how
happy we can be. And we should think a lot about all our positive points, and being a lesbian is very positive" -- Rebecca,
age 16.
"It helps me to interact with people who make me feel happy and good about myself. And I try to do things I feel good about
doing" -Sarah, age 19.
All people have a right to feel good about themselves. We're all valuable human beings. Developing self-esteem is very important
for young people. It's hard for gay and lesbian youth to feel good about ourselves because all around us are people who believe
that we're sick, or perverted, or destined to live very unhappy lives.
When we feel like we have to hide who we really are, it can make us feel like hurting ourselves, like through alcohol, drugs,
or suicide. We may feel very isolated, fearful, and depressed, especially if we've had no one to talk to about the fact that
we're lesbians.
More and more, we, as young lesbians, are learning to like who we are. It helps to read good books about lesbians -- books
that have accurate information in them and that are written about lesbians who are leading very fulfilling lives. It also
helps to meet other lesbians because then we find out that lesbians are as diverse as any other group of people and that we've
been told a lot of lies by our society.
It can help to say to yourself every day, "I'm a lesbian and I'm OK." And try to find someone to talk to who also believes
that lesbians are OK. Remember: it's normal and natural to be a lesbian, just like it's normal and natural for some people
to be heterosexual.
How can I meet other lesbians?
"There are many lesbians around you, but you don't know they're lesbians, just as they don't know that you're a lesbian. Don't
lose hope. You'll eventually meet some" -- Sarah, age 19.
Make contact with local feminist organizations like the National Organization for Women (NOW).
Many colleges and universities have campus gay, lesbian, and feminist organizations.
Check your phone book for a local hotline and ask for the gay and lesbian organizations in your area [ed note: or check OutProud].
There might even be a gay/lesbian youth group in your area.
Look for a gay/lesbian or feminist newspaper in your area. Check local bookstores, health food stores, and gay bars for copies.
Contact the resources listed on the back of this brochure.
Books
One Teenager in Ten: Writings by Gay and Lesbian Youth, ed. Ann Heron, Alyson Publications, 40 Plympton Street, Boston, MA
02118 (1983).
Young, Gay and Proud, a resource book for gay and lesbian youth, also published by Alyson Publications.
The New Our Bodies, Ourselves, Boston's Women's Health Book Collective, Simon & Schuster, Inc. (1984). Contains a great chapter
on lesbian life and relationships.
Lesbian Connection, a monthly newsletter available from Helen Diner Memorial Women's Center, Ambitious Amazons, P.O. Box 811,
East Lansing, Michigan 48826.
Our Right to Love: A Lesbian Resource Book, ed. Ginny Vida, Prentice-Hall, Inc. (1978).
This Bridge Called My Back: Writings by Radical Women of Color, eds. Cherrie Moraga and Gloria Anzaldua, Kitchen Table: Women
of Color Press, P.O. Box 908, Latham, New York 12110-0908 (1981).
Lesbian Sex, by JoAnn Loulan, Spinsters/Aunt Lute, P.O. Box 410687, San Francisco, CA 94141 (1984).
Nice Jewish Girls: A Lesbian Anthology, ed. Evelyn Torton Beck, The Crossing Press (1982).
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| LOVE SEX AND RELATIONSHIPS | |  | |  |
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Love, Sex and Relationships
Sexual attraction, lust, love and every conceivable emotion in between can be experienced by everyone, no matter of their
sexuality. Labels aren't important it's what you do with your life that is.
Our interest in our sexuality and what we do with it varies throughout life depending on many factors, not least of which
are age, physical health, the way we feel at the time and the availability of sexual outlets.
SEX
People have sex for all sorts of reasons, the most obvious being that you are horny, turned on, hot, revved up (or whatever
words you use)
"Casual sex is a shallow, meaningless experience but as shallow, meaningless experiences go, it's one of the best." WoodyAllen
A lot of people, particularly when they have just come out as gay do have a lot of sex simply because they can, and it feels
good for them. This enthusiasm can last for weeks or years, or even for the rest of your life!
Another obvious reason that people have sex is to express the love they feel for their partner, strengthening the emotional
bond between them.
Less obvious but still true, you might have sex to boost your ego if someone fancies you, then you can feel better about yourself.
It can be great when it works out but when it doesn't you can feel even worse than when you started.
Sometimes people have sex because they want affection, but put up with the sex part just because they can't ask for affection
just the kissing and hugging part.
Sometimes people have sex just to make friends, not realising that you can make friends without sex. A network of friends
is particularly helpful if you're an LGBT individual. Because we live in a society with few LGBT role models, it's useful
to talk to friends to see what they are doing, and how their sex and/or love lives are progressing.
RELATIONSHIPS AND LOVE
We're like everyone else, and may of us want the prince(ss), the castle and all the trimmings (although he/she may actually
be a carpet fitter from Cupar or a doctor from Dumbarton). It may seem a bit daft to state the obvious but the love that we
feel is the same wonderful emotion that the rest of the population feels, and we deserve the same happiness in a relationship
as everyone else. Gay relationships, like straight ones, need to be worked at, and problems talked through, but the benefits
can be enormous.
If you are having problems in your relationship and are finding them difficult to resolve, it may be useful to talk to someone
at Switchboard, The Steve Retson Project or Relate.
You can date and smooch, admire from afar, have wild sex with everyone you fancy, fall madly and passionately in love or indeed
indulge in an orgy of going to the pub for karaoke and a pint.
It's your life, your sexuality enjoy!
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Coming out of the closet (telling people you're gay or bisexual) is, depending on who you ask, scary, liberating, politically
essential, unthinkable, painful, the best thing they ever did, or the worst thing they could ever do. If you're considering
telling someone, or you've just been told, then read on
The words "Mum, Dad, I'm gay" are often the words that many parents hope they never hear, and yet it is a message being delivered
daily to families throughout the world. On the brighter side, some couldn't give a toss.
However welcome or unwelcome the news may be, growing numbers of people are having to face the fact that someone they know
is something-other-than-straight. In many cases parents and friends will know already and the news of your sexuality might
even bring a sense of relief. It can even be quite comforting to know that one's intuition can be trusted.
Unfortunately not everyone we come out to will be so understanding. We've all heard horror stories from other students about
being disowned by their family, ignored by their friends and taunted by strangers, and this does sadly happen, but fortunately
most people will get over this initial shock. But what if you want to come out to someone? How do you do it? What happens
now? As the old song goes, "There must be fifty ways to tell your mother".
Although none of them are foolproof you could try any of the suggestions below.
However you tell them DON'T PANIC! Wars and battles can't last forever and neither can the emotional turmoil that you may
be in the middle of. On reflection most people find coming out a liberating experience from the secrecy and oppression they
may have been experiencing. It provides opportunities for us to be who we really are and to find out who is on our side. If
we don't fix our images of coming out in cement we can grow closer to the person that we want to be and the happiness everyone
longs for. If it feels right, go for it!
Just say it! Drop it casually into conversation, but not if the person you're telling is carving the Sunday roast!
Give them a call. At least this way you can put the phone down afterwards and escape from the situation.
Write it all in a letter. Take my advice though and think carefully about your wording before you post it.
Bring your boyfriend/girlfriend round for dinner.
Leave a Gay Times/love letter/strong condom lying around.
Get someone else to do it.
Take them to a gay bar for a drink.
(or any of the other billion possibilities)
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