 |
THE FEZHEAD CHRONICLES |
Issue Number 4 Thought for the day: Go fourth and multiply |
www.Fezheads.com | |||
We have the results from the competitions, a round-up of the days events and photos of the participants.
As you know, The Fig & Date Fayre, the Big Event at this time of year, is totally free to attend, yes folks, there is no charge. All the entertainment, the fun and the games is totally gratis. Our gift to you, our friends.
Despite this, we continue to receive invites from other sides to their events asking us to pay!!. Please note, we don't do pay. We'll consider it if you pay us of course, but us pay you . . . never!!
Anyway, some of our usual features, such as the letters section also make an appearance as we continue to receive correspondence from our loyal readers.
Various photographs taken at the Millennium Fig & Date Fayre are included in this newsletter. They weren't actually taken with a small camera, they've just been reduced to thumbnails to ease loading times. If you feel a desparate need to look at a bigger version, just click on the small image and a large one should appear.
For some unaccountable reason, most of the photos seem to be of the Belly Dancing competition and the wonderful Yasmin and Wendy ... can't imagine why!
As you know, we've recently been featuring a Fezhead of the Month, good as far as it goes, but it doesn't do our reputation (such as it is) any good. How about we feature a Side of the Month. Send us details, pictures, rumours about a side of your choice and we'll do a feature on them. One rule though, it can't be your own!! So make those rumours juicy ... and doctored photographs will be accepted.
Gobby Sez
In which our outspoken GobMeister rails forth on the powers of Fez Shooey.
Cleggett's Cottage Wisdom
In which we relate for your personal enhancement, the wisdom that is uttered at regular intervals by The Flying Cleggett.
News from Fezhead Towers
In which Fuzzy takes you once more through the hallowed portals into ... Fezhead Towers!
Team Review
In which Our Glorious Leader reviews the entries for this year's Fig & Date Fayre.
Belly Dancing
In which El Turnipo runs through the runners and riders in the Belly Dancing competition
Stop Press
In which Our Glorious Leader imparts the sort of knowledge, that in a more respected publication would not even be given floor room!
Mystic Clegg
In which Mystic Clegg looks deep into his Crystalline Balls on your behalf
Your Letters
In which we hear from you, our loyal readers, about your lives, your loves, and hopefully something interesting
Your Photos
In which we reproduce in all their jpeg glory, proof that we aren't the only sad middle-aged gits that dance in the rain outside Pubs.
On entering Fezhead Towers, through the French windows, due to scary being asleep wedged against the front door and making an excellent draft excluder, you will immediately be hit by the fragrance. And I do mean hit!
The ambience of a home will always be enhanced by its smell and in this sense Fezhead Towers is no exception. No bowls of pot-pourri for us though. Oh no! Odour du corps du Fezhead is the order of the day in order to even begin to aspire to a true Fez-Shooey lifestyle. You may, however, have problems obtaining this particular scent from your local Laura Ashley-at-Homebase or perfumery. A mixture of substances from various locations will be needed.
Pubs are a good place to start (predictably), followed by a visit to a curry house, kebab shop or possibly your nearest accident and emergency centre. These substance are subtly blended by the body's natural processes - actually that's not true it's not all that subtle, not at all in fact - and the fragrance almost mysteriously follows. This atmosphere is maintained through careful neglect of domestic duties.
For a Fezhead following the laws of Fez-Shooey furniture is vital. Fezhead towers is littered with settees, chaise longues, Parker Knoll recliners, in fact any thing the body can maintain a horizontal countenance on will do. This is necessary for recovery after the stressed minutes of practise undergone regularly by the be-fezzed.
After negotiating the staircase to the upper levels you will encounter the Fezheads individual bed chambers (apart from Father Ken, whose room is on the ground floor as he has trouble with stairs these days). All are en suite, after a fashion! For instance Adonis Kebab's room has a balcony overlooking the fish pond - I'll say no more. The point is that Fez-Shooey needs to be tailored to suit individual needs. El Turnipe's bedroom has little floor space on account of there being a bed the size of Hampshire occupying the chamber. Pete the flying Cleggett's room is padded and Scary's is largely redundant on account of his rarely making it up there. Plong has a stately four poster and dressing room, as befits his status, Jheem's bedroom wall is studded with hubcaps and pictures of Kenny Dalgleish and everything in it is red. This explains why it often takes Jheem hours to find his fez and often emerges from his room frustrated and dressed only in his Fezhead T-shirt (ugh!). My own room looks at first to be quite ordinary, apart from the sound proofing and the inordinate number of locks - on the outside of the door.
The practise room is available for viewing on the Fez-cam and is situated immediately below the biggest room in the building, the Bar. This is a faithful reproduction of one of the many pubs we have closed in our time. Actually I can't quite remember how to describe it! I think I'll pay it a little visit to refresh my memory.
Juzz got bak from the bar.. s'luvverly!!
A final thought (apologies to our foreign readers, this is strictly UK stuff!):
The BBC have just replaced Alan "Fluff" Freeman with Dale Winton!!! I have nothing else to add except:
Now I know the world is completely mad! Something that was only confirmed by the goings on at this year's Fig and Date Fayre about which read on and enjoy in disbelief!(Good link, eh?)
Gobby Sed
Over the Years we have come to realise that our very own Pete the 'Flying Cleggett' is something of a 'Cottage Philosopher'.
A selection of recent pearls of Wisdom as uttered by the man himself are reproduced below:
- Red Sky at Night, Shepherds Pie.
- As one Door Shuts, another Closes.
- A journey of 1000 miles starts with a set of Steps.
- A Stitch in time, saves Lives.
- A bird in the Bush is worth 2 up the Duff.
- Don't Cry for me Carmen Miranda.
- Out of the Frying Pan into the Jaccuzi.
- Up and down like Ferret.
- Alas poor Derek I new him well.
- Like a Cat up a Drainpipe.
- Tick Tock the mouse ran up his Leg.
- Horse and Cart, Chicken and Egg, Cow and Gate.
March 2000
Well, here we are, March already and we are all terribly busy little Fezzes!
March is the Fig & Date Fayre month you see, and there's so much to do.
Getting everything together. There's all the gear for the competitions, our clothes, our special travelling box with individual place settings for our toothbrushes.
As I write, the place is in turmoil, with people running about all over the place. You can't move in the entrance hall where everything is being piled up prior to loading in the Van. Father Ken has gone to the top of the main tower where we've built a special platform and harness. There's nothing ominous in that, and it doesn't in any way reflect upon his sexual preferences, but it's the only place we can get a signal on the mobile phone! Must be all those sand-dunes soaking up the signals.
He's getting awfully flustered. The delivery of the Figs & Dates is late and he's been on to the importers directly. You see we have such large quantities for the fayre, and if they don't arrive, well... He's also been on to the Pub, to make sure they've got enough beer in! That would be catastrophic.
So we've arrived, in Sunny Chippenham!
Christine has graciously allowed me to use one of the rooms upstairs to maintain my Diary, all that wet ink; don't want dust to land in it.
There are a few shouts from outside. Seems we've managed to tangle a few bodies in the guy lines of the tent. I'm going downstairs in a moment to help prepare the ChilliFigs. We've got some special sauce provided at no cost to ourselves by Hot-Headz, brilliant stuff, must be in special toughened glass it's really hot!! try some.
El Turnipo's been really busy in the Den of Iniquity, where the belly-dancing will take place. Quite a high room, but it's OK we sent Cleggett up the ladder.
Oooh, there's my call, back later.
April 2000
Whoops, Father Ken is really ratty.
We had a meeting in the Living Room last night. He paced up and down in front of us with his hands behind his back and shouted.
We were meant to keep notes on the Fig & Date Fayre for the Chronicles, but we got too drunk, and nothing was done. We've all got to stay in tonight and write some notes, see what we can come up with.
I'm sure we did have a good time.
Ragged Heroes - Another stunning performance from 'Deadly' Doug in the ChilliFig competition. He ate in excess of 30 ChilliFigs in an eyewatering performance that can only be compared to England's 1966 world cup triumph.
We were a bit concerned about the Bellydancing though.
Hobo's - the Spice girls from Dorset didn't let us down. Once again they bewitched both Audience and Judges in the Belly dancing competition, only to find out that they were performing to the wrong set of Judges!
Shame they had to rush off as they missed a cracking Evening.
Sarum - Much underrated team from Salisbury. Excellent Dance performance during the opening ceremony, good fun in the games.
Fleur de Lys - Bribed their way to the 'Blind Ned' Cleggett Trophy with a few gritty performances along the way. Wendy was disqualified from the Belly dance for being far too good.
Certainly impressed El Turnipo on their pre competition visit to his White Van.
Red Stags - Old favourites of the Fig and Date Fayre.
Led with determination and Steel by Andy Anderson, who stood firm in the face of large Green HomeBase lorries.
Had a bad break with some very hot ChilliFigs.
Andy went missing for long periods after 4pm.
Chippenham Town Morris Men - Initially sceptical, Torquil, Dave and Co gave it a go and even came back for more in the evening!
Many thanks lads for your hospitality and Pub!
Rag Morris - Initially confused (They were trying to win!) Rag ended up taking part in the 7 Hour long music session that was Music Krime.
Thanks very much for great evening, especially your rendition on Boney M's Rasputin. You can't get too much Boney M!
Alton - Another new team to Fig and Date who threw themselves into the spirit of the occasion and impressed both Judges and Public. Although they didn't win many prizes they won some new friends.
Elderflower - A couple of Folk survivors who clubbed together with Jan (Hips and Haws) and ended up forming a scratch team representing the Old Road Tavern.
Had a big impact on the 'Flying Cleggett' who injured himself and damaged his instrument after an incident with an 'Elderflower' and his barstool.
Next year why don't you leave your husbands at home and bring along the rest of the crew!
At this point I have to be honest. We had really great intentions of telling the World about the Fayre, the individual acts of self-sacrifice, the tears, the laughter ... but I'm afraid we all got too drunk and forgot to make notes ... sorry. Still, you can see what we have got:
Firstly, I think everybody was pleased to see Yasmin, I know I was! I would like to thank her for the effort she made comming down from KENT to show most of the contestants how to do it. (Perhaps some should have taken more notice).
It was nice to see so many having a go this year, some people had even appeared to have practiced! All the efforts where appreciated especialy the girls, although the boys seemed to be a bit confused. Hobos had a particularly strong entry, but were sucking up to the wrong Fezheads (sorry girls,better luck next year).
This gets us to Fleur-de-Lys, wonderful use of the whole team but unfortunatly Wendy had to be disqualified. Please don't take it personaly WE LOVE YOU please do come again.
And the winners RAG, again using other team members is good but using Fezheads is BETTER. Please remember this for future events.
WELL DONE EVERYBODY, THANKS.
El Turnipo
Pete the 'Flying Cleggett' has been injured during rehearsals for 'Cleggett and the Wheel of Death' the unspecified injuries, which we cannot publish for legal reasons, are not expect to prevent him from unveiling the new act on May 1st.
Having had a good rummage around in Chippenham, Jheeem the 'scouser' has converted a second spare room to display his enlarged collection of Recycled Hubcaps. Currently missing from his collection is the 1998 1599cc Bora and the 1972 Hillman Imp.
After 6.30pm only 30% of the contestants at the Millennium Fig and Date Fayre were able to speak without slurring.
Marcus Kebab (DuraFez to those who know him) claims to have spent 8 continuous hours sitting Drumming at his Drumkit during the epic Saturday night Music Krime session at the millennium Fig and Date Fayre, not even taking a break to go to the toilet.
After his release from Hospital, DuraFez has now started working on a Motorised version of his portable Drumkit which he will be trialing at Fezhead gigs though out the summer.
After his success a decorating the hall for the Belly-dancing, competition El Turnipo has just been commissioned to soft furnish the Bedroom of Madonna's new London home.
A young couple from Rag Morris were spotted in an adjacent garden after time at the Fig and Date Fayre… Enough said.
Due to the effects of a dodgy Curry from the Akash. Our Glorious Leader decided at 4am that it would be a good idea to go shopping for a newspaper at the 24hour Dillons shop, opposite the Old Road Tavern.
Unfortunately, after eating a number of Bananas (they didn't sell Figs and Dates) he was forced to abandon his attempts to read the morning news due to the total absence of light.
Aries - Sign of the Sheep
Famous sheep include Lost Sheep, Ali BaBa and his Black Sheep, Crystal Palace fans plus Kevin the sad but ultimately clever little Sheep.
Personality traits: Lost souls grazing on a hillside.
Mystic Clegg Says: Grass, Grass, Grass, Grass, Grass, Grass, Ewe, Ewe, Ewe, Ewe, Ewe, Ewe, Mint Sauce, Mint Sauce, Mint Sauce, Yum, Yum, Yum.
Taurus - sign of the Male Cow
famous Male Cow include Elton John and Michael Barrymore.
Personality traits: Tend to be wobbly on their feet and culled at the first sign of madness.
Mystic Clegg Says: Beware of being culled this month, try to hide any signs of early Madness.
Gemini - sign of the Space Capsule
famous Gemini Space Pilots included John Glen and our very own Space Cadet - George ' Colonel ' Gadaffi
Personality traits: Wild Reckless adventurers who live life to the full!
Mystic Clegg Says: Beware of minor accidents the month, especially involving space travel.
Cancer - sign of Fatal Disease
Famous Diseases Tuberculosis, Leprosy and Syphilis
Personality traits: Bad-tempered pieces of work that are best avoided
Mystic Clegg Says: Watch out for Doctors and Nurses or Medical staff in general as they are trying to eradicate you!!!
Leo - sign of the Cat
famous Cats included the show by Andrew Lloyd Webber, Catwoman, Mrs Slocoms' Pussy and Felix the Fat Smug Ginger Tom that digs up my garden.
Personality traits: Tend to hang around Dustbins then sleep during the day.
Mystic Clegg Says: Good time to go in search of that mouse you've always wanted, the stars say you can't fail.
Virgo - sign of the Dull Snooker Player
Famous Virgos' include John Virgo.
Personality traits: Dull
Mystic Clegg Says: Try wearing bright clothing to compensate for you lack of personality. Loud waistcoats and ties should do the trick.
Libra - sign of the Wonderbra
Famous Wonderbra models include Eva Hertzogova plus that Russian girl that does it at the moment.
Personality traits: Fine upstanding persons in Underwear.
Mystic Clegg Says: Great month for anything to do with Adverts in Tube stations.
Scorpio - sign of the Tattoo Artist
Famous Tattooed people include Bikers, Sporty Spice and that odd bloke who has Jaguar spots all over and lives alone naked on an uninhabited Scottish island.
Personality traits: Very nasty, avoid at all costs.
Mystic Clegg Says: With the Sun in the sky during the day and the moon rising at night this could be a ideal month for being nasty to someone close.
Sagattarius - sign of the Rampant Old Hippy on his Horse.
Personality traits: Can be Rampant when challenged.
Mystic Clegg Says: Mellow out man, and get off your high horse!
Capricorn - sign of the Ford Capri
Famous Capris' include the Italian island (owned by Ford ), the MK1 1600cc GT XL, not to mention the Classic MK2 Capri Gia 2.8L.
Personality traits:Have been known to break down at vital moments !
Mystic Clegg Says: Good time for cruising. Remember the Bee Gees are always in Fashion.
Aquarius - sign of the Interior Designer
famous Interior Designers include Lawrence Llewellyn Bowen, Terence Conran and Carol Smilie.
Personality traits: Bit on the pretentious side.
Mystic Clegg Says: Get you Hair cut and go get a real job you pansy!
Pisces - sign of the Fish
Well known Piscians include OGL and Liz Taylor.
Personality traits: Ready nice Sensitive, Caring, Warm hearted and generous people.
Mystic Clegg Says: Be extra nice to Piscians as they have a lot to put with, not only organising their mates but the pressure of performing, playing the music, sorting out the agent.
Dear Fuzzy,
Just to let you know I haven't forgotten about those t shirts - just in the process of organising some money now....we wanna be in the competition !!!
Bronny in Adelaide
Dear Bronny,
That's OK, just send it in when you're ready. We've still got a few left. And everyone else, remember our T-shirts are SPLENDID value for £7.50 (plus Postage).
Fuzzy
Dear Fezzes,
I have twice looked in on your Fezcam and I see that the heater is in the same place and why is the table in front of the door? And why aren't you practicing when I check?
Chris (Rant and Raven Morris)
Dear Fezzes (again),
As you would say in England, someone is having me on. I shouldn't talk
and so won't. As I know that I can't pick since we don't have a Fez Cam
that we could call the Rant Cam. Or Raven Cam. Actually I was intrigued
as to what you used and how it works.
I am thinking of doing the same. Well I digress. On to the nitpicking.
There are fours chairs in the room. The one second from the right has
some papers on it but no pad. It also is different from the others. Just
to the left of that different chairs is either a very emaciated fuzzy
fez or simply a fez laying on the floor.
I hope I get to see all of you on here some time or another. Just
thought I would pop in and say that I looked in when it was time to
proactice your time. I did much ealrier than now by the way.
Oh yes... and by the way, as I was reading the chronicle I almost, not
quite, but alomst missed my letter contained therin. You were very
right in your response and observation about the sadness of a Morris
Dancer, but especially one being so very, very far away from everything
else.
Chris
Dear Chris,
Do I detect a disbelieving soul?
As you may know the practice suite is in the cellar of Fezhead Towers.
The door in shot actually dates back to ooh, God knows when, and it leads to an old tunnel that we think went down to the sea front (Smugglers' Tunnel?).
Anyway, due to the local sub-soil being mainly sand, there was some subsidence. The tunnel had to be blocked up and if you were to open the door today, you would just see bricks. It seemed sensible therefore to put things in front of that door as it is not used anymore.
We're in the process of updating our camera, and hopefully by the time you read this, the new one will be in use.
Fuzzy
Dear Fezzes,
Gone on tell me I'm too late-----but if not please mention our Moreton Millenium Weekend Sat 17th and Sun 18th June. All welcome. Any sides that would like to join us or any Crafts people who wish to have a stall get in touch with
Rosie please.
Ta! R. (BlackBull Clog)
Dear Rosie,
Consider it done,
Our Glorious Leader
Greetings Gobby,
Having read the fezhead chronicles - and the rubbish from Bill Singleton (it is always hot where he is - comes from spending so much time tongue dancing with maidens).I would like to greet you from the other end of the world.
Not a camel (I have not even smoked one)
Keith
Sent by Webmail.net.nz.
The way of the future.
Dear Keith,
New Zealand eh? The Way of the Future?? God help us all!
Gobby.
Dear Mr Heads,
I have just been looking at your site as I am a member of the
sacred religion of Fez and frankly I am disgusted.
It seems as though this religion is just one big joke to you especially the depiction of the sacred camel of Fez as a creature of fun absolutely appals me. You do not seem to understand the absolute seriousness of this religion and it's customs.
I was looking at the dance moves and I could not believe my eye's! They are
utterly wrong! One in particular was actually saying, in the sacred tongue
of Fez, that your mother is a moose who sleeps in the dry docks.
Unbelievable. Also I very much doubt that any of you have the right to be
wearing the sacred hat of Fez as none of you have the appearance of the high
leaders.
HOW DARE YOU!
To show your willingness to reconcile to the faith you may contact me for
the correct information and forgivess.
Yours Fezfully,
The Keeper of the Fez.
Dear Keeper of the Fez,
Interesting stuff. Tell me, are you the person who gets on the Bus, that everyone hopes won't sit down next to them?
Fuzzy
Greetings Fellow Fezpians from the Splott Brothers (Dave & George).
Working at the Dome for 6 Days and we get free internet access.
As I type the main central arena show is doing its thang.
great place to work. Really good atmos.
Maybe see you in the summer oh Fezzed ones.
Like you we thrive on hangovers.
Keep it fezzy.
If you wish to reply it's [censored]
The Splotts
Dear Splotts,
Hmmm, stuck in the Dome, eh?
And recommending it? You wouldn't be Tony Splott, married to Cherie Splott by any chance?
Adonis.
Sirs,
I feel that it is my duty as a concerned member of the public and aquaintance of a herein mentioned Fezhead, to bring to your attention certain pertinent facts concerning the individual known variously as 'Dicky Fez','BIG dicky' and 'Oi,Fat Bloke! Get the beers in!'.
However, in the interests of Public Safety, I must first ask that you sit down, pull up a blonde, and indulge yourselves in the 'Bishop's Finger',allowing the brown liquid to do it's work. (Talking of brown liquid, is there a Doctor in the house at Fez Towers, only Dicky hasn't been feeling too well recently, presenting a nasty brown symptom at the base apex of his jeans as a result of an unfortunate follow through whilst climbing up into the cab of a MAN Roadhaus.(ask him, he'll tell you what it is! I'm only surprised that he didn't get a nose bleed too! It's like driving a block of flats!!) Anyway, after a hasty dash to Dicky Towers for a new pair of jeans, all was again well.)
To move on;
I write to inform you that Dicky's truck collection may again be on the increase (mother will be pleased!!).
Yesterday, Dicky had occasion (whilst going about his business in a Thames-side dock) to spy an unfortunate Car Transporter Driver who had aboard his vehicle, the mangled remains of a once-pristine Mercedes Vito people carrier. Regretfully, the vehicle in question was on the top deck of the transporter as it travelled under a railway bridge in London. Regretful - as the Vito was some 18 inches higher than the available clearance under the bridge. However, after phoning the unfortunate driver's boss to ensure that he got the soundest possible spanking, your colleague (and friend!) deviously & devilishly attempted to negotiate the purchase of the alloy wheels from the deceased vehicle.
So, cutting to the reason for my write;
Be jolly careful, all you car owning Fezheads. Dicky is after new wheels! This man has no morals! No quarms! No wuckin' furries!
Be especially careful if the car that you own is of Germanic origin and adorned with a three-pronged star!
I send you this warning in the hope that it reaches you through the hyper-text type protocol quicker than Dicky Fez can loosten your (wheel) nuts!
regards
Cush N. Gobbler
p.s. Nice 'space dudes!!
Dear Mr Gobbler,
Thanks for your timely warning.
This may explain the reticence shown by the inhabitants of Camber to buy Mercedes vehicles and the increased frequency of cars being found on bricks in the morning.
We will have words!
Our Glorious Leader
Dear Fezzes,
I've got a friend who expressed an interest in joining your 'orrible lot.
He has previous dance/mumming AND musical experience, and yet
he thinks he might join you, of all people. He obviously has no taste.
I don't know where (or even if) you practice, so can you let me know
details and I will send him along (if Matron gives permission).
Luv,
Ken (Dead Horse + ex-Gundulfs)
Dear Ken,
The best thing you can do for anyone who wants to join The Fabulous Fezheads, is give them the number for The Samaritans.
Anyone with experience is a definite no-no.
Don't want to make the rest of my lads look bad!
Father Ken.
Dear Grorious Reader
Excuse me for your busy time.
My name is Koji Sato. I work in Nikkei Planning Co., Ltd.
My Section is to sell Japanese Sword at a low price.
As our web site about Japanese Sword Gallery and Shopping is created,
I sent e-mail for you that it seems to be interested in Martial Arts,
Budo, Japanese sword etc.
Our URL is below.
http://www09.u-page.so-net.ne.jp/yj8/samurai/
Please visit our site and send your comments for me.
Sincerly,
Nikkei Planning Co.,Ltd.
Japanese Sword Seller Dep.
1-38-11 Nogata Nakano-ku Tokyo,
165-0027, JAPAN
Dir. Koji Sato
Dear Koji Sato,
Samurai swords in the hands of Fezheads? Are you MAD??
I suppose it will cut our audiences down.
Grorious, sorry Glorious Leader.
well hello mr t***r, gobby fez
Luke King
Luke,
That's MISTER Gobby SIR to you! Get on with your coursework and what's happened to your punctuation!
Gobby
These are from Poynton Jem taken at the Ringheye bash at Mobberley.
