Some Classic Quotes From Recent Episodes

Alrighty, here's the sounds page. All the sounds are of original creation and are taken from Series 3 of the UK episodes. I'll admit they may be slightly Stewie bias, but he really does give the best quotes. I've tried to include a mixture of characters, but I've only so much webspace, then there's upload / download times etc.

So, just click on a character picture to hear the sound. The size of the file is stated next to the title so you can estimate if it's worth taking a quick rest break / having a shower / taking a two week holiday, depending on your type of connection. None of these sounds are huge in size (I've used the very compression-friendly MP3 format), so even with a dial-up (Ha Ha... I laugh but its what I'm using... help me... so slow...), the sound should appear in about 2mins max.

I've even kindly transcribed the sounds so you know what you're listening to, but bare in mind that my meager typings can do no justice to that of the voice acting. These sounds are best enjoyed as God intended them, by listening. So enjoy!

Click on an episode title to jump straight to the sounds from that episode:

- For all the people interested in the technical details: All the sounds are in MP3 format, at 64kpbs encoding, unless otherwise stated.

Family Guy Theme: 228kb

Note: This is the original version of the family guy theme with stewies line "effin' cry". This was taken out and replaced with "laugh and cry" from the start of series 3 (Thank you very much FOX).

2ACX21 Death Lives

Ingenious: 98.3kb

Stewie and Chris look at a comic in the mini mall. Stewie explains the joke:

Stewie:

Chris:

"Now what Jughead has done here, and its really quite ingenious actually, is paint pupils on his eyelids so he can sleep through class without Miss Grundy being any the wiser!"
"Ha ha ha. He's sleeping!

Human Thumb: 128kb

Meg and Chris are looking for anniversary gifts for their parents:

Lois:
Meg:


Lois:


Peter:

"Kids, you don't need to do anything special for our anniversary, just your father."
"I hope he doesn't wait and get you a gift at the last minute again."

Flashback
"My goodness, a human thumb! Where did you ever find this?"Peter is stood next to her bleeding heavily

"It was on E-bay........*throws up*........OH GOD call an ambulance!!"

Racetrack: 61.2kb

Stewie converses with a gambling friend at the track:

Stewie:
Gambler:
Stewie:

"Lucky, tell the boys in Kansas City the bets off."
"Too late Stewie, the fix is in and the noodles are boilin' in the pot! Boilin' I tell yer'"
"Ahhhh!"

Deaths date: 298kb

Death dates Amy from the pet store. They talk at a cafe:

Amy:
Death:
Amy:
Death:

Amy:

Death:
Amy:
Death:
Amy:


Death:

"I like animals."
"Uh huh"
"Coz, they're like people, just little furry people."
"Yeah, erm. Hey, you ever go on the internet? They got some cool stuff there on that internet!"
"Oh yeah, I bought these shoes from a company on the internet. Because they don't test on animals."
"Wow..."
"You know, animals never have war. War is an invention of mankind."
"What the hell are you talking about? Animals fight all the time!
"Not with nuclear arms! You can't hug your children with nuclear arms!"

He touches her and she drops dead on the table.
"Cheque please!"

Exhilarating: 98.3kb

Peter is pushing Stewie along the sidewalk on his new trike:

Stewie:
Peter:
Stewie:

Stewie:

"What the deuce do you think you're doing? Back off fatman!"
"Hang on Stewie"
"What the... hey, hey, let go! Get your filthy paws off! Let go! Let go, I say! Let Go...DON'T LET GO!!

Pedals a bit
"Oh, this is exhilarating!"

Bully: 307kb

Stewie is pedaling down the street when he meets a big boy:

Boy:
Stewie:
Boy:
Stewie:
Boy:
Stewie:



Stewie:
Brian:
Stewie:
Brian:
Stewie:
Brian:
Stewie:

"Nice bike."
"Oh That's not the understatement of the century."
"It's cool. To cool for you!"
"No, no. No, no. I think it's right where I'm at.
"Outta my way!"
"Oh I see. Oh yes, yes, I suppose you do have to ride it to truly appreciate its virtues. Well then, I'll just wait right here 'till you get back."

A while later
"Ah, where the devil is he?"
"You've obviously never met a bully."
"What the deuce do you mean 'bully'?"
"He wasn't taking it for a test ride, he was just taking it!"
"You... you mean...."
"Umm hum"
"He-stole-my-trik-ee.... ohhhh!!"

Unpleasantness: 158kb

Stewie confronts the bully:

Bully:
Stewie:

"Hey! You're blocking my light you stupid baby!"
"You know, my hooligan friend, I been racking my brain in a thus far fruitless attempt to resolve our recent unpleasantness, and then it dawned on me. You cruelty merely stems from some deep seeded inner pain, and so the obvious remedy is a healthy dose of OUTER PAIN!!"

Playing Hoops: 272kb

Stewie recalls his game of basket ball at the park:

Lois:
Stewie:

Stewie:


Stewie:

Player:
Stewie:

Player:
Stewie:

"Stewie, you wanna swing?"
"Um, yes why not. I'll have a go at it. Perhaps a quick stretch first."
He stretches. Something snaps
"Um damn, must have pulled something playing hoops last week"

Stewie is on court, sizing up to full size basketball players.
"I know you ain't puttin' that rock up from here, you ain't got no J! "
He trips the player over
"Yo man that's trippin' !"
"Brother please, you're the one who's trippin' Go on! Cry home to your momma, she waitin' for yer' "
"Now don't make me put ma' size thirteen's up yer' narrow' ass!!"
"I don't sweat you. Bring it on!" To himself: "Shesh, bringin' that trash in here! This is ma house!"

Strike You: 110kb

Stewie gets angry:

Stewie:
Peter:
Stewie:

"Whoa, what the hell are you doing those are my gram crackers!"
"Run along stewie, daddy had a rough night."
"Why you tottering fen-sucked dewberry, I'm going to go find something to strike you with, excuse me."

Radio Show: 338kb

One of Stewie's pastimes is revealed:

Lois:
Brian:
Lois:

Stewie:


From tape:





Stewie:

"Oh no! Peter! Stewie what did you do?"
"Looks like he freed the beast all over the back of Peter's head."
"Oh my God. This is my fault, this is my fault I brought violence into this house! I'm the worst mother in the world!"
"Ah ha! I got it all on tape!"

Stewie pulls a tape recorder from his chest, places it on the table and presses play
"Okay, this is me interviewing Ed Sullivan. What's new Ed?
Well Stewie, tonight we have a really big show...
Okay, and now a word from our sponsors.
It takes a very steady hand. Don't touch the sides! Errrhh! Butter fingers."

He stops the tape
"I, I was making radio shows for fun. Ev, er, everybody does it, er, everybody I know, SHUT UP!

Insane: 291kb

Stewie is in session with the psychiatrist:

Doctor:

Stewie:



Stewie:
Doctor:
Stewie:

"Now Stewart, I want you to take this mommy doll, and this daddy doll, and show me how they act together."
"Oh, yes very well, all right. Um" (mans voice) You see Margaret after 20 odd years of marriage your curious indiscretions no longer phase me. (womans voice) Really, and I suppose you think I enjoy hanging on to those hammocky deposits of gin sugars you call buttocks."
"What was that? What did you just write there?"
"Gimme that!"
"Insecurity? Gender confusion? Oh I'll give you something to write about! Look at me I'm insane, I'm Martin Lawrence on a bender!"
He attacks the psychiatrist.

Role Reversal: 372kb

The family try out a psychiatrists exercise:

Lois:


Peter:


Stewie:


Brian:

"OK, the psychologist want us to try an exercise called role reversal, where we pretend to be the person who makes us angry. I'll go first. (Imitates Peter) Don't listen to your mother kids, she's worthless and dumb and ignore her and only listen to me, Peter."
"(Imitates Lois) I'm Lois. I break for yard sales but I don't let Peter buy anything he likes, like that narra gansat beer sign where the heart chick has two mugs for jugs. (Back to normal) It was 8 frekin' dollars and we have a dozen places to put it!"
"Oh, oh me next, me next! (Imitates Brian) I'm the dog. I'm well read and have a diverse dog portfolio, but I'm not above eating grass clippings and regurgitating them on the small braided rug near the door."
(Imitates Stewie) "I'm a pompus little antichrist who will probably abandon my plans for world domination when I grow up and fall in love with a rough trick named Jim."

Loan Contract: 81.8kb

Peter returns home to find his belongings are being repossessed:

Peter:
Brian:
Peter:

"Hey, what's goin' on here?"
"Peter, did you read the fine print on this loan contract?"
"Erm, if by read you mean imagined a naked lady, then yes."

Culture: 152kb

Stewie fantasizes about what the Griffins would be like if they were 'cultured':

Nancy:
Stewie:



Stewie:
Brian:
Chris:
Peter:
Stewie:
Peter:
Chris:
Stewie:
Brian:
Chris:


Peter:
Brian:
Peter:
Stewie:
Peter:
Stewie:
Chris:
Brian:
Stewie:

"There we are. It's a Van Gogh print. Isn't it beautiful?"
"Ah, yes, I've often fantasized about what this house would be like with more culture."

Stewie images himself, Peter, Brain and Chris sat around in a 17th century room. They are all wearing black suits with top hats, and are sipping wine.
"The port is quite good."
"Yes, quite good"
"Indeed"
"Most certainly"
"What year is it?"
"'51"
"Ahh"
"Delectable"
"Indeed"
"Yes"

Peter suddenly sets on fire
"Oh dear"
"What is it?"
"I've spontaneously combusted"
"Well, I am sorry"
"Oh it's quite all right, I've grown tired of living"
"Ah, very good then"
"For the best"
"Yes indeed"
"Oh, is it raining again?"

Jackal: 91kb

Stewie plays pictionary with the new house owners. Stewie is drawing:

New owner:

Nancy:
Stewie:

"A jackal, jackal, it's a jackal, it looks like a jackal, jackal? Jackal, it's a jackal. Jackal?"
"Time!"
"It wasn't right the first time you said it why the hell would it be right the next ten times! God!"

Sunny D: 44.4kb

Stewie opens the fridge for a drink:

Stewie:

"Er lets see, we got soda, purple stuff. Oh Sunny D, all right!"

Scavenger Hunt: 136kb

Chris is first to complete Quagmires game:

Chris:
Quagmire:

Chris:
Quagmire:
Chris:
Quagmire:
Chris:
Quagmire:
Chris:
Quagmire:
Chris:

"Mr Quagmire! I finished the scavenger hunt!"
"Whoa, whoa, hold your horses, hold your horses, lets go down the list. Er, an unsharpened pencil?"
"Check"
"A speed limit sign that doesn't end in 5 or 0?"
"Check!"
"Your moms hair brush?"
"Check!"
"You win!"
"Oh boy! What's my prize?"
"A pencil and a speed sign!"
"I did it!!"

Hungry Eyes: 156kb

Stewie entertains on the piano at Quagmires party:

Stewie:

"Erm, this is a song that I've been singing for a number of years, and I find that it grows truer and truer as time goes by. (singing) Hungry eyes. I feel the magic between you and I. (stops singing) Oh, I'm hungry for you baby, come on walk with me, talk with me."

Another Baby: 338kb

Stewie is worried about the possibility of another baby in the family. He speaks to his teddy:

Stewie:





Mother:
Oliver:
Boy:
Bobby:
Father:
Bobby:


Stewie:

"Another baby? But, but I'm the baby. Why the deuce would they want to replace me? My, my cheeks are pinchable, my bottom is smooth, my laugh is heartwarming. Aha ha ha ha ho ho ho! What's that? I certainly am not overreacting! What the devil do you think happened to Bobby when they added cousin Oliver to the Braidy bunch?"

Cut to the Braidy family sat round the table
"Oliver, did you break this vase?"
"No the floor did" (The family all laugh)
"He's so cute" (Bobby emerges from a door)
"Hey everybody I..."
"Bobby, you get back in the garage!" (Hits Bobby with a broom)
"Ow, ah, ah, ow!"

Cut back to Stewie
"It can't happen. I was here first! Well technically third, but no time for semantics. This is Stewie country and I intend to keep it that way! As God is my witness, from this day forward Peter and Lois shall not conceive."

Lipstick: 157kb

One of Stewies plans to stop Peter and Lois having another baby:

Stewie:



Stewie:
Lois:



Brain:
Stewie:

"Well fatman, we'll see if Lois wants to have sexual relations when she finds lipstick on your collar."

He puts lipstick on his own lips and kisses the collar on one of Peters shirts.
"There we are"
"Stewie! Thats mommys makeup. Oh, and you got it all over your fathers favorite shirt. Now go to your room!"

Brian sees Stewie with lipstick on
"Wow the evidence is really piling up"
"Make any joke you want, you know I look good"

DUI: 314kb

Brian contemplates his fate in court after being caught drunk driving:

Bigger Diapers: 175kb

Brian lets Stewie in one some important information while considering his court sentence:

"I don't know, I guess taking care of this old woman will be just like baby sitting. Only with bigger diapers."
"Ah ha! So the DO make bigger diapers. That deceitful woman told me I'd have to learn to use the toilet. Well fy on the toilet! It's made slaves of you all! I've seen it sitting in there, lazy, slothful, porcelain lay about, feeding on other peoples doo-doos while contributing nothing of its own to society."

He runs over to the toilet.
"You get a job!"

Venus: 86.9kb

Peter gives Chris some advice on gifts for women:

Banjo: 142kb

Stewie finds a musical love:

Sheriff: 167kb

Peter volunteers his services as the sheriff. Lois receives a disturbing phone call and Peter has to phone for help:

Tasty Glue: 204kb

Brian looks after Stewie at the mall:

Going Out: 190kb

Lois hides the fact that she is meeting an old friend from Peter:

Itches: 214kb

Peter, Quagmire, Cleaveland and Joe spot Lois in a restaurant with a man. Peter uses a police surveillance radio to listen in on Lois at dinner:

An Hour: 73.8kb

Stewie and Brian use a solvent to get themselves unstuck. They discuss what to do with the time:

Viewers Intro: 170kb

Stewie and Brian introduce a selection of three shows based on stories sent in by viewers:

New Hats: 100kb

Peter gets a surprise when he opens a beer:

Vampire: 162kb

Peter and Brian are watching Sesame Street:

Telekinetic Abilities: 173kb

The Griffin family is covered in nuclear waste and gain strange powers from it:

Exact Opposite: 111kb

Peter makes a debatable parenting decision:

Strange Story: 130kb

Tom and Diane (the newsreaders) give an two important bulletins:

Ouch: 75.1kb

Meg uses her super power (the ability to grow her finger nails) on a member of the public:

"We demand obedience!"
"Or else!" Her fingernails grow.
"Is that all you can do?"

Meg scratches him on the arm
"Ow! That kinda hurt! Is that bleeding? Well, I guess it's all right, ouch though!"

Michael Winslow: 112kb

L'il Quagmire and friends come across something frightening in a haunted house:

Nice Effect: 121kb

L'il Peter and l'il Quagmire find something to be really scared of:

Closet: 57.1kb

L'il Tom and l'il Diane taunt each other:

Shut Up: 81.8kb

Stewie take control of the TV:

"I say, it's 4 o' clock, away with you!"
"Stewie!"
"Change it back!"
"Ah forget it Jolly Farm Revue is on. It's the latest Indoctrinating pablem for children with not enough to do"
"Hey... shut up"

Jolly Farm Revue: 373kb

Stewie's watches his new favourite show, with criticism form Brian:

Goodbye Forever: 428kb

Brian finds a disturbing note from Stewie:

"Hey stewie, what do you want for lunch?"

He sees a note stuck to the television, as he reads it, he hears Stewie speaking it aloud in his head.

"Dear stupid dog, I've gone to live with the children on Jolly Farm, goodbye forever, Stewie. P.S. I never got a chance to return that sweater Lois gave me for Christmas, um, I left the receipt on top of my bureau. I'm probably over the 30 day return limit but erm, I'm sure if you make a fuss they'll at least give you a store credit or something. Erm, it's actually not a horrible sweater, it's just I, I can't imagine when I'll ever wear it, you know? Oh, and er, I also left a button on the bureau, um, I'm not sure what it goes to but er, I, I can never bring myself to throw a button away, I know as soon as I do, I'll find the garment it goes to and then it'll... wait a minute, actually could it have been from the sweater? Did that sweater have buttons? Um. Well I shall wrap this up before I start to ramble, okay goodbye forever. P.P.S. You know what, it might be a little chilly in London, I, I'm actually gonna take the sweater"
"Oh my God!"

Arabian Village: 109kb

Brian and Stewie experience an Arabian marketplace:

"Where are we going?"
"I don't know, I'm not exactly familiar with this particular Arabian village"
"Stuff for sale! Bad cheaply made stuff for sale!"
"Hey Americans, you like movies? I've got 'Dude my car is not where I parked it but praise Allah we are not hurt'"

Insufferable Dog: 182kb

Brian attempts to get himself and Stewie home, but Stewie has other plans:

German History: 164kb

While on a German bus tour Brian makes the mistake of asking the guide a question:

Smoke: 226kb

Stewie and Brian stop in a cafe, but they disapprove of the conditions:

It's a fake: 425kb

Upon reaching the BBC, Stewie discovers the truth about Jolly Farm :