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1. Say: 'Is that your real hair 2. Draw enormous genitalia on a notepad and show them to the interviewer. 3. Ask if it's OK to download Belgian porn from the Internet. 4. Mention that your boyfriend/girlfriend is currently doing time for nicking computers from an office building. 5. Say: ' Would a blow job help you make up your mind?' 6. Ask where the nearest clap clinic is. 7. Reconstruct the interview in front of you using action figures, rearranging them whenever anyone moves. 8. Say: 'Coo, you lot are a right laugh, aintcha?' 9. Climb on the interviewers desk and walk along its entire length before sitting down. 10. Ask if it's cool to skin up in the office
12. Stand in front of a window and innocently ask if the interviewer can see through your dress. 13. When it's time for your presentation, say: 'I think you'll find this pretty impressive,' then hand round photocopies of your tits. 14. Lean conspiratorially over the desk and say: 'Yeah, but nobody likes getting up in the morning - right?' 15. Repeat every question in a babyish voice, while moving you hand like a chattering mouth. 16. Say: 'The reason there's a gap in my CV is because my fiancé ran off with my brother and then I had my first breakdown...' 17. At the end of the interview, burst into the EastEnders cliffhanger drum roll.
19. Explain that you don't really need this job because your boyfriend's loaded. 20. Bend momentarily under the desk and emerge wearing contact lenses that white out your eyes. 21. Shout: 'Phowar! Who's he? I'd give him one!' then scratch yourself indiscreetly. 22. Look the interviewer straight in the eye and say: 'I want you, big boy - right here, right now.' 23. Wear a prosthetic penis and adjust yourself throughout the interview. 24. Announce that you can only work in an office if Shania Twain is playing on the stereo in the background. 25. Stare at the interviewer's crotch for the first 10 minutes, and then say: 'You do know you're flying low, don't you?' 26. Ignore the first question and say: 'What's the most important thing about me? Well, I've got huge nipples, for a start...' 27. When referring to any of the interview panel, make sure you call them your 'homey' or 'dog'. 28. Look around, sniff, pull a face screech: 'Phew, what a whiff, Have you just farted?'
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