Oh dear, its the Betty Nut Archive
It was a cold Wednesday morning in Wigan when Betty Nut reared out of bed. He looked at the clock besides him and felt a dark wave of the deepest foulest bottomless depression cloy at his soul, it was time to get up for work! Shrieking like a banshee he made his way into the shower, stopping only to look at his wife laying fast asleep, with murderous contempt. He soon cheered up when he got into the shower though after admiring his chest tatoo, it was of a large scone wearing a top hat. Jumping into the bath he washed himself with vigour laughing out loud as he did an impression of W.C.Fields with his soapy bollocks. He quickly dried himself off and walked into the bedroom to get dressed.
"Bert, do you think the red or the green tie goes with this shirt"
"I don't care which tie you use, just as long as you tie it around the light fitting and hang yourself, die you scumbag die die die ha ha ha ha" she screamed.
Betty smiled at her, they had such a great marriage, he didn't know why his wife wanted to talk about their future all the time, he was happy enough.
He eventually made it into the office and smartly walked up to Poncy's office.
"With a rap rap rap I knock on your door, answer it please you effeminate bore"
"Come in if you please but wipe your feet on the mat, I may be a queer but your a stupid ugly twat" Poncy cheerfully replied.
They both laughed and embraced each other
"Ha ha ha hello nut its good to see you again, how long has it been" Poncy nostalgically asked.
"Why yesterday you great big twittering ninny" Nut screamed.
Poncy seemed deflated by this remark and started to clack his teeth together like a pair of castanets. Nut said he was only joking and did a tap dance to cheer his sensitive boss up
"You know nut your a right buffoon, but your my best friend, I've got a case that will be right up your alley. I want you to look after the showbiz starlett Linda Fritter"
Upon hearing this nuts heart skipped a beat, Linda Fritter was the most charming elegant lovely woman nut had ever seen, he couldn't help having a minor emission.
"Why does she need looking after Poncy"
"Well nut I'm afraid that the gangland boss Albert Badger has been demanding money off her. She is part owner in the Clam Wine Bar just off Maple Street. Badger is trying to muscle in with his protection racket but of course we've got no proof that he's doing it. I want you to go undercover and try to catch him out"
"Okey dokey you great big mincing poofter, its undercover for me then, what do I go as" nut replied.
"Well nut a few of our officers went into the club last night and murdered the bar man, we want you to take his place. The gear is on your desk along with a fake moustache. Oh I've ensured that the moustache is made out of incredibly itchy camel pubes so you'll probably fuck your lip up Ho Ho Ho" Nut gruffly left the room, he would have twatted poncy normally for placing his lip in danger but the thought of meeting Miss Fritter fair set his prostate gurgling.
Nut arrived at the Clam bar and knocked roughly on the front door. It was a huge oak affair with a brass prawn shaped knocker in the middle. Nut heard a sharp clicking from inside and the door opened to reveal Miss Fritter in all her glory. She was wearing a prussian blue ball gown which was so short you could clearly see her arse.
"Your late Harry" she said with disdain, "you should have been here half an hour ago"
Nut felt his top lip sweating under the pube moustache, he was a married man and yet this womans revealing dress had forced him to seriously contemplate adultery. He meekly walked inside the club and took his position behind the bar.
Linda looked over to him and asked him to make her a drink. Nut walked over to the optics and started to pour Linda a shot of Wigan Whiskey. He laid the drink down on the bar and called Linda over. She slowly walked up to him and gulped the whiskey down in one. She looked him straight in the eye and smiled
"So Harry, I guess you know by now that I'm not going to give in to Badger, he can stick his protection rackett up his hairy arsehole"
Nut gulped and tried not to sound like a two bit cop wearing a genital disguise.
"Ooooooh really Linda, and just how do you expect to defeat him"
Linda smiled and started to shriek, "The Hen, The Hen Ha Ha Ha Ha".
Nut found himself staring at Linda with a look of sheer horror, she had obviously gone a bit peculiar, why else would she resort to such inane gibbering.
"What do you mean hen, eh eh ?" Nut bibbled
Linda smiled and grabbed his hand. She lead him down a series of stairs into a small damp room underneath the club. The room was bare apart from a strange shaped object in the corner of the room covered in an enormous pair of orange knickers. Linda walked up the object and with a deafening roar tore off the undies. What Nut saw caused him to emit a series of shrill budgie impressions. There standing in the corner was a huge plastic egg. Linda walked up to him a smiled in truimph. "This egg is my high tech link to the internet. I will use it to summon the mighty internet hen, a futeristic electronic bird that flaps up and down the information superhighway, clucking like theres no tommorow. When I switch this egg shaped terminal on, the hen will detect it and will naturally try to keep it warm in order to make it hatch. When the bird appears I will threaten to smash the egg unless she pecks Badger to death with her electronic beak"
Nut was stunned, he walked over to Linda's so called terminal and realised that she was a fucking lunatic. The so called terminal inside the egg was three cold sausages. He decided that unless he helped there was no way that Badger would let her live. He turned around to look at her and gave her a cheerful hug
"I think its a brilliant idea, all we need to do is wait for Badger to come around and you can plant your brilliant plan on him."
"Yes I can't wait buck buck beep buck buck beep Ho Ho Ho"
Albert Badger was furious, he had tried to gently perdsuade Linda Fritter that she needed his help but she had thrown it back in his face. Only this morning he had recieved a note from Miss Fritter. It contained a photograph of a chickens arse with the words "Peep peep Badger you big blubbery bag of piss" scrawled on the back. He had decided that enough was enough and it was time to teach Miss Swanky Pants a lesson she would never forget. He pulled on his huge hobnails and walked out of the door his face a picture of uncontrollable rage (this effect was ruined somewhat by the fact that badger had a ludicrous perm that made him look like a twat).
Nut was had to think fast if he was going to save Linda, he had made some lame excuse earlier and had gone upstairs to the club to think of a cunning plan. As if by magic nut then had a brilliant idea so cunning that it would have made crafty charles the cleverly cunning clethorpes crab envious. Just then nut heard a large bang at the door, it could only be badger. Quickly he shuffled off to plot and scheme. Linda skipped to the door in a insane fashion and opened it up
"Buck buck beep badger ho ho ho h-h-hennnn!!!" she cried. Badger leapt inside and grabbed Linda by the nose.
"I will not tolerate this Linda you will obey me or die, now pay up you daft bitch"
Linda started to cluck and make strange beeping sounds. Just as Badger was about to punch her lights out he noticed a strange shape at the top of the stairs, and to his horror the shape moved into the light. There at the top of the stairs was Inspector Betty Nut completely naked apart from a feather on his arm sitting on a greased baking tray.
"Ahoy Badger look out I am the Internet Hen and you will soon feel my information superhighway like wrath". With that nut tweeted and launched himself from the top step. Badger was bemused and neatly stepped out of the way to see a frantic nut colliding with the wall killing himself stone dead.
"Ho Ho Ho you fool nut now I shall have my was with this tart"
Badger cried. Before he could pummel poor Linda he heard a chilling clucking sound. He looked round in horror to see a ten foot digitised hen waddling towards him. He started to run away but the bird caught him with one mighty electronic flap. The bird sounded one last cluck and pecked Badger to death. Linda gave a long drawn out rasping sound and launched herself onto the back of the bird who seemed quite happy to take its insane load. The bird descended the steps of the bar and waddled up to Linda's egg terminal. Linda got off the bird and watched in glee as the egg split open to reveal a tiny electronic chick. She felt herself crying as the two birds flapped off down the phoneline to more tiresome adventures.
"bye bye hens bye bye, buck buck beep sob sob"
The End Good grief!
"The bloody scheming, rotten, bitch. That two faced pizzle nosed trollop. The rabid, mangy, fat arsed ratbag" Nut screamed. He was standing in his living room holding a picture of his wife Bert. It had been a tough few weeks for Nut after his wife had left him. He can remember that day as if it were yesterday. He had come back from work cheerful that the day had gone well. This is because he had spent the entire afternoon asleep on the toilet.
As he opened the door to his house he was already loosening his trousers to prepare for a ghastly session of rutting with his filthy wife. He looked around but couldn't find her anywhere. "Bert, Bert where are you my love". Just then he noticed a small note on the t.v. He picked it up and began to read. "Dear Nut, well I assume by now that you will have come home from work. Let me guess, your pants are round your ankles and your bursting to tell me how you spent the entire afternoon on the toilet to skive off work. You fucking pillock, your so predictable. Well, I've been shagging the binman now for over 10 years and I've decided to leave you. He may be as fat as fuck, have an unbelievably smelly todger and may have breath that smells like a putrefying dead horses head but he thinks I'm great and always buys me chocolates. I hope you can learn to live without me, although it will be hard seeing as I've removed all the money from the bank, stolen all the furniture and run up a massive bill phoning the Australian wank lines. Ho Ho Ho Ta Ta, Bert." After he had finished Nut felt a huge wave of depression come up and kick him in the balls. How could she do it, he'd always been good to her, always bought her presents for her birthday like old wash rags, kitchen equipment and crotch less underwear and he always waited till she was asleep before sticking it up her Garry Glitter, even Cary Grant wasn't that romantic.
The weeks since that terrible event had been awful, coming back to an empty house with only his razz mags for company, oh and kevin, his glove puppet owl. He had decided that the best way to cope with his depression was to throw himself into work.
The next day Nut went in to see Poncy to ask him for any assignments that may get him away from Wigan for a while, he needed to forget. Poncy looked at him, began to blink uncontrollably while emitting a strange chattering sound, and then climbed up onto the desk. Nut looked in horror as Poncy slipped on a pair of ruby red tap dance shoes and began to frantically tap dance on the desk. Poncy looked at Nut and started to sing "Ooooh weee oooh my magic shoooeeoos, they will select for yooouu and assignment that you can dooo". Nut was appalled as Poncy fell into a dead faint from exhaustion and shat himself. He pushed his soiled boss out of the way and noticed a piece of paper attached to the heel of the shoe. Tentatively he pulled if off. "Magic shoe police assignment for Betty Nut, you must go to the remote Scottish fishing village of Clacker Cove and track down the missing robotic spy cod. This fantastic robotic fish was being used in secret government tests when it suddenly veered off course and headed for Scotland. You will go undercover as Hamish Frenum a big bear like bearded buffoon with a liking for fishing. Under Poncy's desk is a huge thick fishermans sweater and a ridiculous felt hat that is covered in dead fish. Go now before its too late".
Nut donned his hat and his sweater and climbed in his car preparing himself for his trip to Scotland. The sweater was so thick and heavy though that after a few miles he stank like an unwashed ringpiece, still it was only Scotland so he didn't think it mattered. After a long drive he eventually pulled up outside his police owned farmhouse. It was situated a few miles from the village centre and would make an ideal base for general planning and scheming. He opened the door to the house and was amazed at how cold it was, his todger immediately shrank to the size of a small smelly hairy walnut. He raced over to the fire and started it going. As he was settling down, there was a sharp knock on the door. Nut got up and opened the door. There in the freezing cold was an old Scottish man with a fucking massive amount of ginger hair.
"Och Aye stranger, I am the Clacker Cove hermit who lives in a turnip, kneep kne ep". Nut smiled a really sickly grin and invited the old fucker inside. As he pa ssed Nut his horrible mat of stinking highland hair touched Nuts neck immediately bringing him out in a appalling rash. The hermit sat down by the fire, got his pipe out and began puffing away stopping only to emit a series of shrill whistles from his sagging arse. After two hours of this the hermit turned to Nut and began to speak. "Hoots man, from my turnip by the sea I've been seeing some strange things these past few weeks, people in boats coming and going, odd splashing noises and then last night two naked people riding on what looked like a robotic fish". "Whhhatttt!" Nut cried, he grabbed hold of the hermit and started to violently shake him. "Tell me more old fool or I will kick the shit out of you". The hermit smiled at Nut and asked him to follow. After an hour of walking Nut found himself staring with horror at a cliff overlooking the sea front. There reflecting in the moonlight was a huge turnip, hollowed out to make a home for the repellent red haired hermit. Upon seeing his home the hermit gave a sharp squeal and launched himself towards the turnip. Nut gave chase and was soon inside the hermits vegetable dwelling. The hermit prodded Nut in the side telling him to look out on the sea. Nut could just make out two figures splashing about in the water, they seemed to be naked and riding on top of some strange object. Nut looked round at the hermit and he provided Nut with a telescope made out of a cucumber. What Nut saw through that salad adornment optical enhancement device made his stomach churn. There sitting upon a robotic fish were his wife Bert and the binman, Les DeBudgie, they were both naked and Bert was laughing as she gave the repellent refuse collecting wife stealer a hand shandy while he filled her treacherous maw with chocolates. The hermit, noticing Nuts anger put a scrawny stinking arm around him and tried to cheer him up.Nut however, was inconsolable and thundered out of the hermits turnip to try and solve the mystery.
After leaving the turnip, Nut under the guise of Hamish Frenum roared down the cliff path to the beach. As he arrived he quickly sashayed behind a rock to witness the awful scene of mechanised piscian betrayal. Les gave an awful sickening cry as he spent his wad over Berts hand, she chuckled and then pressed a button on the fishes head. There was a series of whirrs and clicks as the fish splashed onto shore.
"Thanks Bert, you keep doing that and I'll keep you in chocolates for years" Les muttered. "Oh don't mention it, when we sell this fish to that filthy French terrorist Monsieur Jean Florretes we'll have more money than you can shake a stick at"
Nut felt a rage rise within himself. Les De Budgie and his wife were obviously operating as international smugerlers for various criminal organisations. They must of found a really weird way of controlling the fish and were arranging to sell it to one of the worlds most feared and hated villains. Florretes was a member of the notorious Cribbage gang, who would ride through the streets of Paris on the backs of motorised snails shooting old women, if they got hold of the fish who knows what would happen, Nut would have to stop them, he started to hatch a plan.
As Les and Bert were putting on their clothes Nut leapt from behind the rock.
"Hoots mon, och aye the noo, with a rootin tootin too"
Les and Bert both looked disgusted at this bearded fucker doing the highland fling on the beach. Still, what harm could it do talking to this peculiar local.
After befriending the couple Nut sat quietly on the beach pretending to be mad. Les turned to Bert tugged on her arm. They both looked out to see and watched as a small boat chugged onto the shore. Nut watched as a dark figure leapt from the boat, it was Florretes. "Hello, my spying British friends, it is I Florretes, where is the fish". Bert stood up and pointed out the fish to Florretes. He squealed with delight and ran up to the fish amazed at its computerised fish like spying powers. "At last, it is mine, with this fish and my army of snails I shall rule the world Ha Ha Ha Ha". Bert shouted at Florretes and asked him for their money. "Ha Ha you British fools, did you really think that I would give you a penny, I am French and as such am a scheming garlic eating bastard, prepare to die". Florretes then pulled out a gun and pointed it at the couple causing De Budgie to blub like a girl. However, Florretes hadn't seen Nut who had crept away while all this was going on and had recruited the help of the hermit. Before Florrete could pull the trigger Nut and the hermit leapt through the air and kicked Florrete to death. Bert and De Budgie were very grateful. "Thank you old man and bearded fool, you saved our lives, how can we ever repay you". Nut then stood up and laughing like a maniac pulled off his disguise. "I'm afraid my dear there is nothing that you and that traitor can do for me, you were willing to betray Britain's greatest spying fish for money, under Wigans spy laws I sentence you both to be thrashed within an inch of your lives with sea weed and strung up naked on a rock to be pecked to death by parrots". The hermit helped Nut perform the sentence and they both walked off into the sunset towards the hermits turnip, stopping only to laugh out loud as a flock of flesh eating Scottish parrots flew overhead.
The year was 1880, the place was Wigan. Betty Nut gave the impression of a man in complete turmoil as he trudged his weary way home from work, as a Sewer Maintenance Man. His huge great hobnailed wellies were caked in shite, and he reeked from head to foot like a disease ridden latrine. He opened the door of his tiny little shack, and walked in to greet his wife Bert. Nut still hadn't got used to the sight that met him every night when he got home. Bert was an eight foot tall hunchback, completely bald with eight webbed fingers on each hand. She had a club foot, a grotesque misshapen bulbous head, and her skin was clammy and shiny like the back of a midget who had just been run over by a herd of badgers. She was no looker that's for sure.
When she saw Nut emerge through the door, her awful lop sided mouth yawned open, to reveal a sticky black mess of rotten teeth.
"Hello dear, nice day in the sewer". Nut smiled back at her, despite her being truly repellent to look at, she had the heart and personality of an angel.
"Fucking shite darling, absolute bloody misery from start to finish, nearly got me fucking arse bitten off by a huge great crocodile, bastard. What's for dinner sweetheart". Bert's head fell, "I'm afraid its rats arse stew again!".
As the couple both sat down to their rodent stew, Nut produced a piece of paper for Bert to read. "Hello peasants, got no money, poor as a church mouse with a large mortgage, couldn't save up enough money to buy a sprout? Then come to America, have your own land, and swank about like smarmy silus the swanky spiffing salacious swine from Sheffield".
Bert looked back at Nut with hope in her awful black eyes. Silus Pinkerpeep was notorious around Sheffield for having lots of cash and doing lots of swanking. He once spent five hundred pounds on a prussian blue top hat, made out of a goats beard.
If only they could attain such wealth, Nut wouldn't have to wade through other peoples shit anymore, and Bert could do what she had always wanted to do, raise horses and chew tobacco. Nut spoke to Bert in a quivery high pitched wine "Lets go, lets do it, we'll sell up here get our ticket and then we'll kiss this shithole of a town goodbye and say hello to America".
Bert wrapped her huge ape like arms around Nut and cried, "Oh, Betty I love you, come with me my dear and I'll let Mr. Holmes enter Baker Street via the tradesman's entrance".
The following day Nut sold their house and all their worldly possessions for one pence and a one eyed fruit bat named Harold. The bat was thrown in as a goodwill gesture from Mr. Biffo the local pet shop owner, who had just bought their house. The terrible threesome were sailing from Liverpool later that week on the Splash Cat, salty shit ship of the stupendously stupid Captain Sebastian Sausage.
The voyage over to America was not a pleasant affair. Their captain was bloody useless, he couldn't read a map, couldn't read a compass and couldn't sail to save his life. Coupled with this was the fact that he didn't just have a peg leg, he had a peg body. His entire lower half had been blown away by a pirates cannon ball and had been replaced by an enormous clothes peg. The crew would peg him up on the rigging during the day and then take him down at night, or when it looked like it was about to start raining. However, they were all saved from a certain watery death by Bert, who was gifted with an uncanny sense of direction. She would stand on the deck giving orders to the crew, while the captain was pegged out drying everyone's underwear. Harold would keep watch in the crows nest while Nut was given responsibility for the shit bucket.
After what seemed like an eternity Nut was awoken from his slumber by an excited squeaking. He opened his eyes to see Harold flapping about spitting bits of half eaten pear into his hair. Nut started to shriek, he was terrified of pears, "Ooooyah, who dare, who dare, spit the pear in my hair". Bert was awoken and roared out of bed, "Wait Betty, forget the pear, forget your hair, look over THERE!!!". Nut stopped his ranting and followed Bert's finger, he jumped off the bed (making a star shape) and started to sing with joy "We're here, we're here!!"
Bert, Nut and Harold eventually left the Splash Cat after a tearful farewell. They stood on the docks while the ship sailed off, only to see Captain Sausage direct the boat into a reef causing it to sink with all its crew to a terrible watery death. Poor old Captain Sausage, what a bloody shit sailor, if only he could have got anyone to buy his weird idea, the tumble dryer, he and his crew could have been saved. An idea he got from being left out by his crew when it was raining.
Nut and his entourage strolled into the New Arrivals hut on the side of the dock. Nut peered over the New Jobs section but there was fuck all available. He was about to walk out when Bert's thick, stinking, misshapen arm snaked out and wrenched him back. "Look darling, look!". There was a tatty little note pinned up on one of the walls, Nut started to read "Wanted : Yankee Doodley Doodely Doo Town Sheriff. Must have a poor record on personal hygiene, will be required to shoot villains, gunslingers and wear incredibly itchy coyote hair chaps. Comes with a pleasant three bedroom flat above jailhouse, seven horses and a year supply of chewing tobacco". Nut was unsure, he and his ancestors before him had always worked in the shit removal business, he didn't know whether crime fighting was for him, Bert and Harold persuaded him though. Reluctantly Nut took the piece of paper from the wall and went over to the awful smelly piss ridden old man by the desk. "Erm, I'm interested in the Sheriffs job, in Yankee Doodley Doodley Doo Town, is the job still going". To Nuts horror the old man started to cackle, he leapt from his desk revealing the awful truth that he was completely naked from the waist down. He grabbed hold of a banjo from behind the desk, gave Nut a wink, stamped his foot three times on the floor and dropped dead. Nut stood in shocked silence, his teeth chattering. Slowly from the dark behind the desk a figure emerged, it was the old mans wife. She was a tiny three foot tall old woman with a face like a warthogs scrotum. She was a kindly old woman though and sat the three chums down. "Well, he darn well went and did it, the silly old fool. He said that if anyone was stupid enough to apply for that job he would dance butt naked and sing like a stuck pig, I guess the stress was too much for his old ticker."
"What is so bad about the job old widow" Nut sensitively asked.
"Yankee doodley doodley doo town is in gold rush territory, its a big stinking den of hoodlums, hoodwinks and hoars. The town is run by Albert Badger and his gang of gold hunting gobshites. The last sheriff in the town lasted two hours before he was kicked to death by Badgers iron clog wearing Dutch assassin Anders Van De Flanders. Its no place for a man, his wife and their bat". Nut was inclined to agree with her but something inside him stirred. He had spent his whole life sweeping shit, killing rats and crocodiles, this was his first chance to make something of himself. He told the old woman that they would be taking the job and she reluctantly gave them the keys for the jailhouse.
"Good luck you three, I'm just going to feed my husband to the pigs"
Bert smiled at Nut and although he admitted that Berts smile was abhorrent enough to drive many a man to lose their minds, he knew she was proud of him. "My dearest Sheriff Nut, you truly are a Wild West Wanker"
It was early evening when the trio arrived at Yankee Doodlee Doodlee Doo, they cautiously surveyed the town. It was all shit caked shacks apart from Mo Browns Saloon, which was full to bursting with hoars, drunkards, gunfighters and rather curiously a mole, wearing a turnip with one of his paws replaced by a doorknob. Bert shook Nut and pointed over to their jailhouse. It was fairly run down with an old tattered sign over the door just recently painted which read "Sheriff Nut, RIP - AB". Nut looked worried but Bert just thundered up to it and tore the sign down. "Don't let those thugs bother you Betty, we'll bring law to this festering shit pit if it kills us". Somehow the last part of Bert's speech didn't seem to allay Nuts fears. When they got inside the jail there were three hooks pinned up on the wall. Hanging from each were a hat, a pair of coyote hair chaps and a sheriffs badge. Harold was first to try his on, giving an excited squeak. The squeak soon turned to pain though as the chaps rubbed the shit out of his little bat thighs. Nut decided that Harold could forego that particular part of the attire.
All three looked at one another in triumph, what a team they would make, a ninny, a
repulsive mutant and an optically challenged fruit bat (with pathetically sensitive
thighs). They decided to pay a visit to Mo Browns to introduce themselves to the town.
When they pushed open the swing doors of the saloon everything went deadly silent. Nut was
first to speak, he tried to sound manly but was so nervous his voice came out a shrill
That evening was a stressful affair for Nut, he spent it in a paralysed sweating panic, his cowardly bottom regularly soiling the bed clothes along with Bert's horrendous humped back. When morning arrived Nut was ashen faced and pallid.
"Oh crivens Bert, what am I going to do? All I've done in my life is look after Sewers. Badger is a viscous killer."
Bert looked calmly at Nut, and gave him a hug.
"Oh Betty, I'll be here for you don't worry, no one will harm you with me and Harold around"
Nut looked down at the ground in shame, his wife and Harold were prepared to die for justice, while he just shat the bed like a twat. So, he took a deep breath, put on his chaps and prepared himself for the evening.
When the time arrived, Bert, Nut and Harold walked over to Moe Browns. The bar was deserted, no-one would dare enter the place tonight of all nights. They sat down and Nut nervously poured out three glasses of Moe Browns whiskey (Nut was sure it was Moe's piss). No sooner had they sat down to drink it, when the doors of the saloon flew open. There standing in the moonlight was Badger, Flanders and ten of Badgers henchmen. Badger was a fucking ludicrous shape. He was seven feet tall, unfortunately six foot 11 inches of this were his legs only, this was followed by a half inch body and a stupid thin head. He roared at Nut as soon as he saw them.
"So this is the stinkin Sherrif who shot my man, what's the matter law man, not enjoyin' the Hoe Down?"
Nut stood up trembling with fear "Erm, I don't think anyone really feels like dancing"
"Well I know someone who'll be dancin lawman. Flanders here is goin to dance all over your head, and when he's finished with you he's gonna bugger your bat and scalp your repulsive wife, yee haa" Badger replied.
Nut was horrified to see one of Badger's men approach the piano and start to play. Flanders then started to do a manic tap dance with his metallic kill clogs on. This was too much for Nut and his arse gave way. There was a shrill rasping sound, followed by three loud claps, after which Nut shit himself.
Badger roared with laughter and ordered Flanders to attack. Flanders started to shriek, kicking his feet in the air, moving closer to the trio. Nut was trembling and shouted "Erm, stop or I'll shoot", he then reached for his gun, only to find with horror that Harold had forgotten to pack the guns.
"Fucking hell Harold, you stupid bastard, you forgot the guns, we're doomed!!"
Harold squeaked his apology and bravely flapped off to do battle with Flanders. However, no sooner had he approached Flanders, than he was killed stone dead with a clog blow to his little bat chin.
Nut shrieked in anger "Harold NO, you Dutch bastard".
Nut then launched himself at Flanders in a whirl of anger, his fists pumping, only to be met by another clog, which kicked half his brain in.
What happened next was to go down in Wild West history. Bert had seen the two loves of her life tragically wounded within a few seconds of one another, and now a terrible rage filled her grotesque frame. With a roar she flew at Flanders. He tried to kick out at her, but her massive arms grabbed him and beat him to a bloody pulp. Badger was shocked and ordered his men to attack, however, when he looked around they had all fainted.
"You cowardly bastards", he cried as Bert thundered over to him, and shoved both his legs up his arse. Bert then fell to the floor and crawled over to her beloved, who was in his last death throes.
"Oh Betty, please don't die, don't leave me, there are two of us who need you now" she pleaded. Nut weakly replied, "Wh-what do you mean my love, two of you?"
Bert was sobbing, "I'm up the duff my darling Nut, in the club. I've a bun in my oven. My furrow has been plowed and a seed is growing in its damp cleft"
Nut smiled, grabbed Berts eight webbed fingers and whispered in her ear. "Bert, I didn't realise. I'm so sorry but I don't think I'm going to make it. Please go back to Wigan and make sure our child never goes near a turd ridden sewer. I want it to fight crime, uphold peace, protect the innocent and Aaarrrghhhh!".
Berts hand accidentally slipped while cradling her husbands ruined head and what remained of his brains got squashed on the floor and he died in agony.
A few weeks after the tragedy, Bert was ready to travel back to England, she had been in touch with her father, who needed a bouncer for his brothel. She had decided to uphold her late husbands wishes, and leave the town that had changed the course of her life in such a terrible way. As her coach waited, she walked over to two small graves set by the jailhouse, laying a few flowers on the bigger one and a mouldy pear on the other. As the coach vanished into the sunset, little was Bert to know that inside her grew the first in a long line of appallingly shit crime fighters.
Betty Nut and the Arse's Of Navarone
Chapter 1 : Cider with a bufoon
PC Betty Nut was in a joyous mood. The past year had been traumatic for everyone, the war was still going on with no end in sight, and people's moral was at an all time low. Yet today was a day to be cheerful, the sun was out, and the small village of Peeksville, Wigan was in full bloom. Nut was doing his regular cycle through the village and was off to meet his sweetheart Sally Whistle. She was a local girl, known throughout the village for her beauty and charm. Today would be the day Nut would pop the question. He would bend down on one knee, look deep into her eyes and ask if they could consummate their relationship in one of Farmer Smiths haystacks.
As he wound his way down the small country lanes, he caught sight of his beloved making daisy chains for small rabbits. He cycled up to her, hopped off his bike and wrapped his arms around her.
"Hello Sally, its a fantastic day isn't it, why don't you come for a quick ride with me" Nut said innocently, Sally completely unaware of Nut's scheming.
"Ok Betty, I'll just hop of the front of the bike and we can ride down the lanes together" she cried.
Lifting her onto the bike, the couple rode off cheerfully whistling as the cool breeze rushed past them. Nut felt so happy he began to hum, and then to sing
"Dum, dum, de, do, de, Raindrops keep falling on my head"
"Watch out Betty, your going to hit that fucking shed" Sally cried.
Nut was horrified, about half a mile away there was a tiny shed just off the road. The couple closed their eyes, and after 10 minutes of frantic cycling shot off the road and ploughed straight into it.
"Aaarrgh, we're done for, I'm sorry Sally, I love you" Nut cried, his feminine shriek enough to turn many a man's stomach, but not Sally
"Oh Betty, you may be the most pathetic policeman I've ever met, but I love you too, goodbye my love, aaarrggh"
The bike thundered through the side of the shed and landed in an enormous haystack on the other side. Sally landed softly in the hay, but Nut was rather less fortunate. Some idiot had left and enormous pot cider bottle in the haystack, and Nut landed squarely on the it, clattering his balls on the spout.
"Oooyah, my pods, I've think I've busted them" Nut cried
He started to writhe about in the haystack, cursing his bad luck and thinking it was perhaps a good idea to put his plan for bedding Sally off for a while, well until his gonads stopped swelling.
"Oh Betty are you alright, I thought we were done for back then, are you hurt?"
"No <cough> I'll be all right Sally, <bloody hell>, could we just go off to the local for a quick drink, I think I've erm, hurt my knee" Nut squeaked.
"Erm Ok Betty but won't Sergeant De Quim be cross if he knows youre in the pub" Sally inquired.
"No its Wednesday Sally, Sergeant De Quim always spends Wednesday tinkering on his steam powered mechanical fox"
So the pair dusted themselves off from the haystack, and walked off to the Strangled Duck for a quick drink.
Once inside Nut strolled up to the bar and rang the bell. A strange musical sound whirred into action and Elaine Smith (Farmer Smiths wife and sister), slowly appeared from the cellar on a platform, held up by her one eyed son Gerald. She was a stout woman, very squat and appalling to look at. Her huge great ham shank arms lifted up and thundered onto the bar.
"Why PC Nut and Sally, how lovely to see you both, let me pour you both some lovely beer" she chuckled
"Erm, Mrs Smith could you give me something other than Old Blunderbuss, maybe something a little weaker" Nut whispered. The last time he had a pint of Old Blunderbuss he had woken up a month later completely naked, tied to the back of a pantomime horse, on a ship bound for Jamaica.
"Oh yes PC Nut, I've got a special case of Whistling Ponce fizzy gripe water for you" she thundered, causing a series of sniggers to emerge from the pub.
"Erm thanks Mrs Smith, how much do we owe you" Nut replied.
Before Mrs Smith could say anything a tall dark figure emerged from the dominos table.
"I'll get that my good woman" the man replied, his thin wispy voice almost hypnotic.
"Erm thank you, Mr, erm do I know you?" Nut replied
"No we haven't met, my names Babbage, Crispin Babbage, I'm from the MOD" the man extended his hand, placing it firmly in Nuts. What amazed Nut was that the man was standing more than 15 feet away from him.
"Erm, my names Nut, Betty Nut and this is my wonderful lady friend Sally"
"Pleased to meet you both, although I did overhear the bar lady call your name Mr.Nut. As I've just mentioned I'm from the MOD, and am here on business. I'm sorry Sally but could I speak with you boyfriend alone for a moment, it is of the utmost urgency."
Sally looked concerned, but after a nod from Nut she smiled and quickly sank her pint.
"Ok I'll see you later on Betty, I'm back at the school in half an hour anyway, bye"
"Goodbye Sally, I'll come round to see you later"
"I very much doubt that Mr Nut" replied the man "I very much doubt that"
Chapter 2 : Mission Improbable
"What do you mean, you doubt it" Nut cried.
"Please Mr Nut, I have come here for a reason, a matter of the utmost national security. I cannot say what it is just now, but must insist that you come back with me to Farnbourough for a debriefing. This order has come directly from Churchill himself, and could be pivotal in the war effort"
Nut was astonished, why would a man come all the way to his little village, to ask him to help in the war. He thought he had avoided conscription by spending an entire week with one ear in a glass of water, so as to claim he couldn't fight due to partial deafness. He hated to admit it, but he was a terrible coward and would soil himself at the slightest hint of trouble. But what could he do? This was an order directly from Churchill himself.
"Why me Mr. Babbage, what could I possibly offer?" Nut muttered, his voice already trembling.
"Ah Mr. Nut your modesty does you justice. We need your unique skills, your incisive brain and most of all your ability to think on your feet in a pressure situation"
Nut was flattered, he must have heard about he had got Mrs Evans cat down from the vicarage tree last month, by cleverly lobbing a conker in its face. Granted the cat died immediately but hey, this war needed people to think on their feet.
Babbage tapped Nut on the shoulder, he seemed to have gone into a trance like state, and was puffing his chest out and flexing his muscles.
"Erm, Mr. Nut, we must make haste, we leave today" Babbage cried
"But, I can't just up and leave, what about my job, what about Sally?" Nut cried
"That will all be sorted out Mr.Nut, come we must go, a car is waiting for us outside"
Nut was horrified, he didn't know what this secret mission was, he had no idea how long the mission was for, and he hadn't mentioned anything to Sally. Confused he followed Mr.Babbage out of the pub.
As the two figures left, ace SAS operative "Incisive, brave as a lion, think of his feet" Captain Betty Nut lay slumped in a corner, a pint of Old Blunderbuss by the side of him. Mrs Smith was removing his clothes, and whispered down to Gerald.
"Quick get the pantomime horse ready Gerald, and the Jamaica tickets. I'll meet you around the back in ten minutes"
Nut climbed in the back of the car and was driven off at speed. Not one word was spoken during the journey leaving Nut even more nervous when they arrived at HQ.
"Follow me Mr.Nut, I want you to meet the man in charge of this operation. He will give you a debriefing and hopefully answer any of your questions"
Babbage led Nut out of the car, and into a large grey oppressive building that was situated just in front of the car. Once inside, they walked down several corridors and eventually arrived in a small meeting room. The room had an enormous oak table in the middle of it, and a number of chairs around the outside. Sitting at the end of the table was the rather opposing figure of the mission leader, General Percy Pontefract.
"General, may I introduce our last recruit, Betty Nut"
"Ah, Mr. Nut, Betty Nut, B.Nut, Mr.BN, eh? well speak up man, damn your eyes sir we're fighting a war, Germany you say, what, what, maybe its because I'm a Londoner, please be gentle with me Arthur, buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz, buzzy bee, buzzy bee?" the General blustered, his face becoming purple with rage.
As if on cue, a small door in the meeting room opened and a nurse emerged, her face painted like a clown. She strode up to the general and stuck two electrodes in his back. Nut peered into the room she had just emerged from, and could just make out a strange white figure, scuttling around the floor like a beetle. The Nurse gave a signal to the figure, and a low buzzing sound emerged from the electrodes. The General started to convulse, his eyes bulging out of their sockets, whilst the Nurse stood over him. Eventually there was this awful popping sound from the General's ancient back, followed by a blast of rancid gas from his sagging anus, after which he slumped onto the table unconscious. The nurse quickly gathered the equipment, and without even glancing at Nut, opened the door and left.
A short while afterwards the general shot bolt upright in his chair
"Ah, Mr.Nut, pleased to meet you, my name is General Pontefract, and it is my job to debrief you, please take a seat"
Nut nervously sat down, and watched as Babbage left the meeting room.
"Now then Mr.Nut, as you are most probably aware, this great country of ours is at war with Germany. So far the German's have had the measure of us, we are losing the war Mr.Nut. All over Europe, countries are falling to the Nazi's. A few months ago, one of our operatives in France heard some terrifying news. Count Von Albert Badger, one of Hitlers most respected scientists, was in Paris for a holiday. Our operative, posing as trumpet playing cafe lounger, overheard a conversation of his, whilst he was devouring an assortment of pastries. Count Badger is a master of ballistics, and was discussing plans to build a series of giant guns capable of firing shells over the English Channel and onto London. At first we thought such a feat would be impossible, until recently that is"
The General shoved a brown envelope over to Nut. The envelope was marked Top Secret, and on the General's request he tentatively opened it up.
"These photographs were taken by a local fisherman, in the small village of Dans Les Maison. He had noticed an increase in German personnel, around the cliffs of doom, and decided to take his boat around to have a look. As you can see from the pictures, there is clear evidence of a number of large structures being build on the cliff tops, there appears to be three of them, one of which is already complete"
Nut was starting at the photographs, unable to believe his eyes. The photograph could have been taken on any pleasant sunny day, the sea was calm, the cliffs themselves rising up proudly from the ocean, but there at the top of the rocks, were a series of squat, ugly, smoke black structures. The one that was finished, filled Nut with deep horror, it was an enormous cast iron arse.
Chapter 3 : Killing a number of fools with one bouncing bomb
General Pontefract let the image settle into Nuts mind, before speaking up
"As you can see Nut, Count Badger is building a series of giant guns shaped like arses. Our experts have studied the picture and have confirmed from their size, and barrel aperture, or if you like the bum hole, they will be capable of shooting a shell to anywhere in Britain. You now understand what our problem is, and now for the solution."
Nut started to panic, he still couldn't believe that a few hours ago he was happily planning the deflowering of his sweetheart, and now he was stuck in a room, with a half mad General, who was telling him that he would soon be blown up by a German arse. What could they possibly want him for?
"I take it you've heard of Barnes Wallis Mr.Nut" the General inquired
"Erm, yes, sir, he invented the bouncing bomb"
"Yes he did indeed, but did you also know he had an assistant working with him on the project, who had come up with an idea even more revolutionary? Mr. Nut may I introduce Professor Peter Smith"
Nut stared bemused as the Professor entered into the room. He was a tall thin man, as bald as a coot, and remarkably bland apart from a pair of jet black spectacles perched on the end of his crook like nose. Nut noticed at once that the Professor was making strange bouncing movements, and upon looking at him directly burst out laughing. The Professor must have had a very unfortunate eye complaint, because the glass in his spectacles made one eye appear as a tiny little grain of sand, whilst the other was as large as a dinner plate.
"Erm, <ha, ha> pleased to meet you <ha, haaaa> Professor" Nut sniggered.
The Professor and the General were not amused.
"I can see that my appearance amuses you Mr.Nut. I was once a fine looking fellow with a full head of hair until I met Mr.Wallis. His brilliance left me racked with envy, causing all my hair to fall out and buggering my eyes up. I picked up a nervous bounce, and my wife just recently left me ironically for a football manufacturer in Huddersfield. So Mr.Nut laugh away, even though it is through my brilliance that we shall all be saved from the arse bombs"
Nut felt deflated, this poor man had gone through hell, and here he was laughing at the poor chap. Filled with remorse he started to apologise. However as soon as he raised his head, he started to laugh again, so hard that he passed out.
Ten minutes later he awoke to find that a full-scale model of Dans Les Maison was set up on the table.
"Ah Nut good of you to join us" the General sternly said.
The Professor was seething in the corner.
"Right then let me explain, if you've finished laughing that is. We need to find some way of destroying these guns. However, German patrols around the area are impenetrable, they have strong anti air guns and the waters around the area are patrolled by U-boats for miles out to sea."
"But how the bloody hell are we going to get anywhere near them" Nut cried.
The Professor started to make a strange smug mewling sound. "Ah Mr.Nut not so funny now am I, need my strange eyed, bouncing help do we" the Professor crowed.
"Erm, yes" Nut said quietly.
"What was that Nut, say pretty please Professor can you help me blow up the German arses, and tell me your eyes are odder than mine"
Nut shuffled uncomfortably in his seat, he looked over to the General, but he had started to have a fit again and was wriggling about in his chair and grunting like a pig.
"Please help me Professor, and yes my eyes are odder than yours"
"Ha, ok Nut, seeing as though you've humiliated yourself in front of me, I will tell you. I have modified Wallis' bouncing design by hollowing out the bomb, enough so that I can fit a number of people inside it. You and a few chosen individuals will be the Guinea pigs, erm I mean brave men, will climb inside these devices and will be dropped into the sea a number of miles out, silently bouncing into the bay, so that you can diffuse the guns"
Nut looked worried, it sounded very dangerous, and he wondered whether the Professor was all there. By now the General had recovered.
"As you can see Nut, the plan is fiendishly clever, we will be dropping you far enough out to avoid detection and because you will be skimming that water, the U-Boats won't stand a chance. I'm sure you want to take this mission on single-handed Nut, but brave as you are, we are going to give you some back up. Please meet your associates on the mission"
Nut just gave a little squeak, and watched as a number of people entered the room.
"Meet your weapons specialist knifeman Les Peters. Les is 45, is married to a lovely woman called Shirley and lives in Basingstoke. Les enjoys fishing, and watching the cricket when he gets the chance. He is also a merciless killer, with the morals of a sewer rat, who once ate his friends nose for a laugh. He has a number of pseudonyms, but the one he wants to be known as for this mission is the goat"
"Erm, pleased to meet you Mr.Peters" Nut nervously replied. The man said nothing, but walked up to Nut and bristled him with a huge goats beard that was glued to his chin. Nut squealed
"Oooh, you swine you've chaffed by neck". The Goat just bayed at Nut in contempt
"Good, now for you to meet the explosives expert, Fatty Brown. Fatty is a lard arse, he is a gigantic blubbery man, he stinks like a dysentery-infected cat, and eats continuously. In his spare time he likes to eat, and sweat. His is also a master of explosives, and will be the man to deal a mortal blow to the Fuerhers metal posteriors of peril. He has no pseudonyms and is quite happy being called Fatty"
"Pleased to meet you Mr.Nut" Fatty cried, stretching out a hand to Nut, and showering him with three day old bacon fat and sweat.
"Erm, hello Fatty" Nut murmured, his face twisted in a grimace of repulsion.
"Any finally, the leader of the group, and intelligence agent, Harry the Squid. Harry is a seven-foot tall monster, with a great big egghead. He possesses a fierce intellect and a fearless sense of duty and bravery. He is called the squid due to a strange ability to squirt stinking black ink from his eyes."
"Hello Mr.Squid, aaarrggh what the bloody hell, the bastard just squirted me" Nut squealed. He was reaching over to shake Harrys hand when he was blasted with a thick stinking glob of goo from Harrys eyes.
"Do not worry Mr.Nut, all members of my team must be inked, it is part of my ritual" Harry said.
"Erm, ok thanks" Nut muttered, seething in ink covered resentment.
"Well thats the debriefing over with gentlemen, the team is all together, lets kick some German iron arse" the Professor cried, in a vain attempt to create some sort of team spirit.
Nut just sat impassively shitting himself out of fear. He was soon going to be on a mission with a trio of very scary men, on a mission that by all accounts would result in his death. Still he resisted the urge to sneak off through the toilet window and spend the rest of his life, disguised as a sheep dog in Scotland. He had been hand picked for this mission so they must have seen he was made of the right stuff. He would go on this mission, and with any luck when he got back to Britain, Sally would be so impressed with him, he would definitely get his card stamped.
Chapter 4 The Arse Busters
After the Professor had debriefed them, the gang was led by the General to an aircraft hanger. Situated by a Lancaster bomber were two black spheres of metal.
"Ahh gentlemen, your bomb awaits. Please would you take your positions, we have no time for a training mission, or even time to check the safety of any of our equipment. Still never mind, in you go, good luck and God speed, your country is looking up at you with hopeful eyes, the fate of the whole war is on your shoulders. Succeed and you shall remain unknown heroes, sworn to secrecy. Fail and you shall be exposed as spies, executed in public and have all the countrys vicars praying your souls rot in hell."
Nut thought he would get the bends such was the increase in pressure in the hanger. He really thought he was going to pass out.
One by one they clambered into the bomb. Nut was unfortunately placed directly between Fattys legs, and dank damp patch already staining his trousers, where he plums were sweating like crazy. The bomb was eventually sealed and Nut could feel it being rolled onto the plane.
They were all sitting quietly in the darkness when Harry was first to speak up
"Now men, when we reach the bomb sight, I will squirt some more stinking ink onto you all"
Nut felt like kicking Harry in the balls, the ink he had on him from before was already stinking so much, Nut thought he was going to vomit.
"The drop should last for a few seconds, followed by our first bounce. Now the Professor has told me that from his limited experiments on rats, the first bounce is so severe, 50% of the rats went mad, 20% soiled themselves, 29% broke every bone in their little rat bodies, and 1% of the specimens escaped unhurt, thus verifying the Professors methods"
It was quite fortunate that Fattys horrible thighs were pressing against Nuts ears, if he had heard the odds, he would have reconsidered his Scotland plan at the drop of a hat.
The plane started to taxi down the runway and was soon airborne. The flight lasted for what seemed like an eternity, but eventually the silence was broken by a siren going off.
"Ok Men, drop off time in five minutes. Remember, when we come to rest at the foot of the cliffs we must make our way to the village, the cliff top is far too steep and well guarded. Count Badger is expecting a visit from the Baverian Morris Dance troupe, later on this evening. The real dancers were intercepted and viscously murdered last month, we will take their place. Now brace yourselves"
Nut heard the creak of the bomb bay doors soon followed by his stomach nearly popping through his mouth as the bomb was let go.
"Aaaaaarrgggh, please help me mummy" Nut cried.
This brought a howl of laughter from the goat, who promised to slice him if he didnt shut up. After a period of about 30 seconds the bomb hit the water. Upon impact Fatty soiled himself (given Nuts seating arrangement, this caused Nut also to soil himself). The goat was laughing like a lunatic and waving his knife about, and Mr.Squid stood impassively in the corner of the bomb, squirting ink into the air.
They must have been bouncing for over an hour until the bomb eventually came to rest. Nut was drained, he had used his lifetime supply of bouncing up all in one evening.
"Ok, men, no one is dead, so lets get out of this bomb and kick some metallic arse"
Mr.Squids war cry was met by a resounding raspberry from Fatty, who looked down at his soiled chinos with horror.
The gang piled out of the bomb and changed into their Morris dancing costumes. Once they had donned their flowers, silly hats and tights, they looked a mean fighting machine.
"Ok, men, lets head for the arses" Squid cried, motioning his men on with a wave of his bell covered stick.
Meanwhile, at the top of the cliff, Count Badger sat chuckling to himself as he looked through a pair of binoculars.
"Ha, ha, ha, those English fools, do they really think they can defeat me"
Badger then broke into a mad laugh, which culminated in him doing a ten-minute mime routine and an exhausting tap dance. This was made even more tiring seeing as though he was dressed as a sausage. He felt it was fitting that when he sprung his ambush on the British, they would know they had been beaten by the greatest of British institutions, the banger.
He had heard about the plan from his spy in England, Professor Smith. Badger had been courting Smith for months, with a promise of revolutionary surgery in Berlin to correct his eyes. Rumour had spread that Smith was in an important position for the government, and had been sending letters secretly to eye hospitals around Europe hoping for a solution to his problem. He had been an easy target, and was willing to betray his country at the drop of a hat when badger promised him a eye correction.
He had contacted Badger last week to inform him of a plan to destroy his fantastic iron arse guns. He had also made a special request, that Badger take alive the one known as Nut, and make a special effort to torture him. Badger had watched the bomb come bouncing into the bay, and had laughed when they got out, to see that the fat member of their group had shit himself.
As they clambered up the hill, Badger ordered his men to lay in wait behind the compound gates. Tonight was going to be a great night for Germany, leaving the door wide open for his arses to shower England in a rain of terror.
The group slowly climbed the steep path up the cliff, into the village. Once in the village, Squid ordered them all to start dancing. The four of them started to jig, and slowly made their way up to the compound gates.
Chapter 5 The breakfast bites back
Squid calmly walked up to the compound door and rapped on it
"With bells on our feet, and sticks in our hand, were the greatest dancers in all of the land"
A German voice was heard from inside
"Ah, come in at once, the count will see you soon, Morris dancing Baverians make him over the moon"
The door creaked open and they were beckoned inside. Nut was a bit worried, the man at the door had a suspicious look in his eyes, they were also so close together that they overlapped.
The door slammed shut behind them, and the dark compound was suddenly illuminated by a series of floodlights. The team froze, and from a guard tower, a man dressed as a sausage started to crow
"You English fools, youve swallowed the bait, your pop eyed Professor has just sealed your fate. Attack men, attack!"
Squid screamed at his men to scatter.
"Weve been betrayed, defend yourselves men, we must complete the mission.
Gun fire broke out and Nut ran quickly for cover. As he looked around he could see the goat attacking the guards. He had taken on all 20 of Badgers crack battalion, and to Nuts amazement killed all of them, just using his dancing stick. As he started his victory bay, he was unaware that Badger was sneaking up on him. Nut screamed a warning but it was too late, like a great big cowardly breakfast appendage, badger snuck up on the goat, and stabbed him to death. Squid saw this and launched into attack, thundering towards Badger across the compound with ink squirting from his eyes. Badger looked up in terror and started to rummage around inside the sausage costume. He pulled out a gun and pointed it at squid.
"Ha, ha, you British fools, I have you now. Listen very carefully, you other two come out of hiding or I will kill your leader"
"Ignore the big fat German twat men, complete your mission" Squid implored.
However in the short time they were together Fatty, Nut and the Goat had come to admire Squid, even though they all agreed that if he squirted ink on them one more time, they would murder him in his sleep. From Nuts hiding place he could see Fatty, trying desperately to hide inside a barrel. They both looked at each other and exchanged a knowing nod. However Nut wasnt too sure what Fatty meant and shouted across at him
"Fatty was that a nod that we should come out, or a nod that we should let Squid get shot?"
"What?" cried Fatty "What do you mean liquid gut shot?"
"Oh bloody hell, Fatty get your stupid frame out here" Nut cried
Fatty nodded back at him, and they both walked sheepishly out into the line of fire
Bagger was clucking like a victorious German hen
"Buck, buck, I win, cheep, I win, cluck, cluck"
Squid could stand it no longer
"Men, destroy the guns, this is for England"
He launched himself at Badger, and a single shot rang out. Fatally wounded, Squid landed upon Badger pinning him to the ground
"Squid, noooo" cried Nut. Fatty grabbed him by the arm
"Quick Nut we must get this done, Badger is bound to have called reinforcements"
Nut nodded, and they both ran off over to the guns.
"Ive got the explosives Nut, but whilst I was climbing in the barrel, I buggered up the automatic detonator, Im going to have to light the blue touchpaper myself. You will follow through with the escape plan, but I am going to have to sacrifice myself and be martyred forever"
"Sounds like an excellent idea" laughed Nut, he was glad Fatty drew the short martyr straw earlier on.
Fatty was quickly running around the guns and planting his explosives. Nut then heard Badger cry
"Free, free, now for those other two, quickly men"
Fatty started to panic
"Nut, get in the barrel quickly, weve only got a few minutes left"
Nut opened up one of the giant doors on the middle arse and climbed inside. Fatty shut the door behind him and started the firing mechanism.
"Five, four, three, two, one, good luck Nut, FIRE" Fatty cried.
Nut felt a huge rush of air, and then felt himself shoot towards the bum hole. He had just time to see the metallic cheeks and he was flying through the air.
Whilst this was going on, Badger and his men had managed to capture Fatty.
"Ha, I win again you fat English pig, quickly men get rid of these bombs"
Fatty had to think fast, he remembered the Generals fondness for Morris dancing and had a brilliant idea. He slowly started to tap his bell covered feet.
Badger and his men looked at Fatty nervously
"Stop that at once or I will shoot"
Fatty paid no attention and increased the rhythm
"I met a fine young Maiden, down at Buggersworth Fair, I asked her if shed give me a lock of her hair, but she told me to piss off, and said I smelt like a bear, with a hey nonny, niddle I dee"
The Germans had started to dance, mesmerised by Fattys warbling.
Badger couldnt stop dancing and joined in
"I was most put off by her surly reply, and asked her if I could sample her pie, but she whirled round in anger and stuck her thumb in my eye, with a deedle, de, diddle aye doh"
Fatty seized his moment, he struck a match and lit the blue touchpaper of the explosives
"Ahh we are doomed, once the blue touchpaper is lit we must not return to it, until it is out" cried Badger, just before he, Fatty and all his men were blown to kingdom come.
Nut heard the distant explosion as he was on his way over the channel, and could just make out a huge cheek from one of the guns blown into the sea, with what looked like a half dead sausage clinging to its posterior.
"Fatty, you did it, Ill make sure England remembers you, and you Goat and you squid, farewell, farewell"
Chapter 6 Pitcher in the Hay
Nut must have been sailing through the air for over an hour, but gradually he was coming in to land. Fattys aiming was truly incredible, he was actually arriving in Peeksville. As luck would have it he was heading straight for a hay stack. Remembering what had happened to him previously, he placed his hands over his groin. Chuckling to himself he prepared for impact. However, just a few feet from the haystack a large parrot shot out and started to bite Nut under the armpits
"Oooyah you bastard parrot " Nut cried, raising his hands in horror. He then realised too late why the parrot had attacked. It had made its home in a giant rusty pitcher, that had been left in the hay, and was guarding it with its life. Nut hit the stack, and smashed his entire genital area on the spout of the pitcher.
"Aaarrgh, bloody hell, Ive done it again, my poor balls" Nut screamed, the agony all too apparent. The parrot hovered above Nut, crying to see its eggs smashed over Nuts bruised undercarriage.
He wheezed and gasped for breath and eventually staggered out of the haystack. Once his vision had cleared he could make out the figure of a woman running towards him. It was Sally.
"Betty, Betty, your all right my love" she cried and ran up to him wrapping her arms around him
"Oh Sally, Sally, Im so sorry I left without saying anything, it was because " Nut was trying to explain when Sally interjected
"Oh my love, I was told everything by Mr. Babbage. I was surprised at first, them asking you on this mission, because I know how cowardly you are, but I felt so proud I said nothing. Anyway, a few days later Babbage phoned and mentioned that there had been a mix up and that the man they wanted for the job had been mistaken for you. This means that there will be no heros welcome for you, and due to government embarrassment, if you breathe a word of this you will be shot."
Nut looked deflated
"What about Fatty, The Goat and Mr.Squid"
"A Statue is being erected in their memory as we speak, the three of them standing in triumph astride a huge German bottom"
This seemed to console Nut. However there was still the small matter of Professor Smith
"What about that traitor Smith?"
Sally started to giggle.
"Whats the matter Sally?" Nut inquired.
"Ironically, he died of food poisoning just the other day, he ate a dodgy squid sausage, ho, ho"
They both laughed out loud for over an hour, at Smiths poorly constructed joke death. Sally eventually stopped and looked deep into Nuts eyes.
"Betty, it doesnt matter if the people dont know your bravery, I know and I love you. And as a special home coming present, you can pop my cherry"
Nut was overjoyed and they both slunk off into the hay for a bout of premature ejaculation riddled love making. Their awkward inexperienced grunts, interspersed by the sound of puffing steam, coming from Seargent De Quims giant steam powered fox.
Betty Nut and the Terrifying Monkey Mystery
chapter 1 - you'll always find me in the shithouse at parties
Betty Nut was depressed, here he was 2 weeks away from the New Year, and he had nowhere to go on New Years Eve. Since his wife left him, he would usually drink an entire bottle of meths the day before, just so he could have a chat to his hallucinations. He couldn't even do that this year, he ate a whole box of Daz on his birthday a few days ago, and his hallucinations told him they were going self catering to Spain, and there wasn't enough room for him in the chalet. To make matters worse, everyone in the office was talking about what a great time they were all going to have, and how awful it would be not to be at a party. He tried dropping subtle hints hoping for an invite, such as when he grabbed Babs Smith the police station secretary by the shoulders, stared her directly in the face and said that if she didn't invite him to her party, he would stab himself to death with a apple corer. She started to cry then, and said she was sorry, but after the year before when Nut got so drunk on mulled wine, that he ended up using her husbands freshly lit pipe as a pissoir, he was no longer welcome. Ah well, he would just have to walk the New Year road alone, he didn't need anyone, he could be strong. After a moments pause, Nut leapt up, and started to scream at the top of his voice. He leapt up from his desk and ran over to Poncy De Quims office, smashing the door down.
"Poncy, please you've got to help me you big nancy, I've got nowhere to go on New Years Eve, please can I come out with you"
Poncy looked at Nut with a strange lop sided smile on his face.
"Oh Betty, I'm sorry, I'm going to be drinking a bottle of turps this year and spending it with my hallucinations"
Nut was crestfallen, he wearily turned around and started to trudge back to his desk. As soon as he had left Poncy's office, he noticed a strange figure sitting at his computer. He was about four feet tall, and was wearing a grass skirt, a t-shirt with an embossed plum on it, and a red Indian head-dress. Nut was outraged.
"Hey you, silver, get away from my desk, how did you get in here. Don't you realise this is a police station?"
"You heap big idiot, silver was um fucking horse. Your insult would have made um sense if you had said um tonto. Anyway, pleased to meet you Nut, I am Chief Lactating Dog"
Nut was furious
"I don't care who was in Rawhide, get off my bloody desk, anyway how did you get in here"
This had only occurred to Nut, how had he got in the office? Looking around he noticed with horror that everyone was standing still staring into space.
"I need to speak to you Nut, I had to put um small spell on everyone. Now you listen"
Nut slowly sat down in the chair next to the man and watched as he pulled an old parchment out from under his grass skirt. He slowly unfolded it and placed it on the desk. In the centre of the parchment was a drawing of the earth, and at the four corners of the parchment were what looked like four monkeys. However, it was what was drawn in the centre of the picture that made Nut vomit uncontrollably over the red Indian. It was a picture of Nut himself, wearing a dunce cap.
"You um dirty bastard, I have no underpants under my grass skirt."
"Oh I'm sorry, wh- wh- what is this, is this some kind of joke" Nut blabbered
"It is no um joke, Mr. Nut, this parchment is ancient, it has been around since man first walked heap big earth. It had been passed down through my family for generations. I seek you out, you need to listen."
"Erm, go on, Mr. Chief, I won't be sick again, I, uurrgghh"
Nut was sick again, all over the chiefs plum t-shirt.
"Um Christ, my fucking shirt, you heap big bastard"
Nut apologised again and after the Chief had brushed most of the sick off onto Nut's computer he carried on.
"Legend says that just before the people who made the earth left, they put um self cleaning device in earth. This device would be triggered every few generations, in order to get rid of most creatures on earth, to let earth recover from creatures using it. This device is started using the four monkeys of power. Deep in bowels of city lay chapel of monkey power, if four monkeys aligned in New Year ceremony, mankind destroyed. Parchment suggest you saviour, only one who can stop ceremony. You may be buffoon, but you needed"
"Oh thanks a lot you feather wearing arsehole, that just rounds off my bloody week"
"Shut up um Nut, Chief not finished. These monkeys of power represent four elements, earth, wind, fire, ice. I been keeping information on monkeys over past few months. Someone has kidnapped earth, wind and fire. I have an idea of who did it. It um Stuart Little, ecological warrior."
Nut had heard of Little, he was Wigan's self styled eco warrior. He used to be a fairly ordinary man, had a lovely wife and two charming children, until one day whilst taking his bottles and papers to be recycled, someone lobbed a Dandelion and Burdock bottle from a van hoping to land it in the bottle bank. However, it hit Little squarely on the head, completely caving it in. Doctors worked day and night to save him, removing 98% of his brain in the process. However, he survived, but at a price. Convinced that he was now the saviour of the planet, he went into hiding, pledging to free the earth from mankind.
"Why do you think it was him chief?" Nut inquired
"Because I saw him last week, with fucking big red fire monkey over um shoulder"
Nut was horrified.
"Why didn't you bloody stop him you idiot"
"Me get um grass skirt caught in bike chain, he got away"
"Bloody hell, and I'm supposed to be the worlds biggest twat. Ok, so he's got three of the monkeys, and we need to find the other one, keep out of trouble for a few days and everything is fine."
"Um yes, but we must keep this to ourselves. Anyone else involved may upset prophecy, Little wins, we die"
"Ok, where do we find the last monkey, the ice monkey"
"He last seen, shivering and chattering up K9. We must hurry and get there before Little."
Nut let out a triumphant roar and danced around the chief, poking him in the eye as he did so
"Ha, ha, you git, it's K2, not K9"
"No nut, it K9, Britain's biggest artificial mountain"
Chapter 2 - Affirmative Nut
"K9, what the bloody hell are you on about"
The chief sighed, he had underestimated how thick Nut was.
"You not heard of battle of New Towns?"
"Few years ago, Telford and Milton Keynes caught in big battle. Milton he got concrete cows, Telford want something bigger, came up with herd of metallic lemurs, Milton get giant copper pig, and so on. Until finally, Milton win war by building giant artificial K9 mountain. Exact 10,000 foot high Doctor Who robot dog. Ice monkey at top, we go there now"
Nut was scared, they were going to have to climb a massive mountain and Nut's only experience of mountains had been drinking Red Mountain coffee, and this gave him vertigo. Still the prophecy was there in the parchment, why else would his face have been drawn on it. With that he wrapped his arm around the chief and started to sing
"Come on chief don't be glum, we'll find the ice monkey, and then we'll have won."
With that they both strode out of the office. Once outside the chief clicked his fingers
"You now free"
However, the police officers still remained like zombies, the only noticeable effect of the chiefs spell breaking, was that they all started to shake like jellies.
"Oh, bloody hell" the chief cried. He had invoked the wrong spell breaker. He knew that to get them all back to normal, he would have to drink his own piss. Still all that must wait.
Once outside, Nut looked around for the Chief's car.
"How are we going to get there Chief?" Nut asked
"On bike of power Nut"
The chief pointed, and Nut followed his finger. There propped up against the police station was a battered old Chopper covered in feathers. Nut noticed that the passenger warning label had been torn off, and he started to worry.
"Hop on Nut, do you want to peddle, or do you want to be passenger"
Nut considered it for a minute and then remembered that the Chief had nothing on under his grass skirt. Seeing as though he didn't much fancy that chief's sweaty plums being worryingly close to him, he decided to be the passenger.
After days of frantic peddling, the pair finally arrived at their destination. Nut could barely see the top of the mountain. It's huge robotic head shrouded by clouds.
"We make ascent today, take three days to get to tartan collar, and then make ascent for head, where we capture monkey and take into hiding. You brought crampons Nut"
"Crampons, Oh shit, I thought you said bon-bons, erm fancy one, I've also got some sherbet lemons"
"Nut, you sign mankind's death warrant, you fucking big pillock. We just have to try climbing sheer, ice covered dog, with sticky sweets".
With that the pair started their ascent. Passers by watched in amusement as the two scaled the side of K9 with sherbet lemons and bon-bons stuck to their hands and feet. They were blissfully unaware that their fate lay in the hands of these two. If they had known that, they would have almost certainly gone mad, eventually chewing of their own arms frustrated by the futility of it all.
Nut wasn't finding the climb too bad at the start of the climb. He had avoided being scared of the height by keeping his eyes closed all the time. However, as they got higher and higher up the mountain the wind got stronger and Nut began to hear ghostly sounds.
"Chief did you hear that, it sounded like a ghost" Nut was wailing with fear now, his grip on the mountain becoming weaker all the time.
"Haa, ha, Nut no need to worry, that sound of um ghost pipes. Chief make them. They like wind chimes, only make sound like terrifying death rattle of ghastly monster, when wind blow through."
Nut felt like pulling the chief off the mountain to his death, the ghost chimes had scared him so much that he would need years of hypnosis and therapy just to forget about it.
"Chief, <peep>, please stop the chimes, <eeek> I'm scared and my grip is weakening"
Chief was concerned, grabbed his chimes and hurled them off the mountain. They only fell a few feet before clattering into Nuts face.
"Oohhyaah, you clumsy bastard, you nearly knocked me off"
"Ho, ho, don't worry Nut we roped together"
Nut looked up and saw that the chief had an intricately woven set of ropes around himself, tied securely to pegs he had hammered into the rock face. He could just make out amongst the ropes, a piece of wool that was loosely tied around his waist, it trailed off and was looped around Nut's waist. He felt much more secure now.
After four days of climbing the two tired figures eventually reached the summit. Nut looked down, Milton Keynes lay below them like a large sheet of graph paper. He peered around the dog's head and could just make out a strange silver shape in the distance.
"Chief, look over there, I think it's the monkey"
The chief put his arm around Nut and then walked walked slowly over towards the monkey. Nut thought the poor creature looked really cold. It was shivering and beating it's arms about it's chest.
"Look Nut, it's the ice monkey, the ice monkey, the final piece of the puzzle"
Nut looked around shocked to hear that the chiefs cliched Indian accent had gone.
"Chief, what has um happened, erm I mean what has happened to you"
"Oh my dear Nut, haven't you guessed yet, I'm not the chief, I dealt with that feather wearing lunatic a few weeks ago. I am Stuart Little, friend of mother earth"
Chapter 3 - monkey magic
"Whhhhaatt! what do you mean your Stuart Little" Nut cried
The chief then ripped off his feather head-dress and smiled at Nut. Of course, Nut thought the chief looked familiar, he was wondering for a while now why he looked like the spitting image of Little's photofit, now it was all slotting into place.
"Ahhh Nut, you've finally guessed have you? After my accident, I spent my time plotting and researching a way to rid this poor planet of the parasites that live off it. I read thousands upon thousands of books, my burdock smashed brain able to assimilate information in a way no other person could. A suggestion here, a rumour there. Gradually a picture came together, a great weapon built into the planet, and a way of activating it. However, it had been tried before but always failed. That was where the chief came in. He was easy to track down, his family went back so far in history, it wasn't difficult to see his part in the grand scheme, you were a little more difficult. However, once I met up with the chief, he filled me in on the rest of the story. I spent a lot of time with him, learning some of his spells, finding out about the parchment, and then I bashed his head in with some chick peas, hhaaaa, haaa"
"You swine, you'll never get away with this, I'll ..."
Just then Little pulled a gun on Nut and motioned him over to one of the huge radar dishes on K9's head. He forced Nut to put his hands behind his back and then tied his hands together.
"I knew you were the only person that could stop my plan, which I why I brought you up here. Now Nut, I'll just put a tranquilliser dart in this gun, get the monkey and then destroy the world, with any luck this will all happen before you die of terror up here"
With that Little shot the shivering ice monkey with the tranquilliser, and began to shove the sleeping ape into a black bin liner he had brought with him. Little then climbed into a bag himself as they both proceeded to set off down the beginners slope of K9. Before he pushed off he reached inside his bag and chucked a set of ghost pipes over to Nut. He then gave a yodel and shot off down the mountain.
Nut was shell shocked, he had been tricked and the fate of the whole human race was seemingly sealed. He tried to struggle free from the rope, but Little had tied it too tight. Just then a gale blew up and the moaning started from the pipes.
"Just some pipes Betty, nothing to worry about, just some pipes, AAAEEEIIIIIII"
Nut was wailing like a banshee, he was terrified, his cowardly frame twisting one way then the next in an attempt to get away from the ghostly sounds. Within a few minutes Nut was coated in an oily sweat. Without a second thought he managed to yank his greasy hands free from the rope, and giving a petrified yelp, plummeted over the side of the mountain.
It was only when he was half way down the mountain did he realise what had happened, for once in his life, his terrible yellow streak had paid off, Kenny Rodgers was right all along. As he slid down the slope his smug satisfaction was soon replaced by agony as he cracked his arse bone squarely on the giant K of K9's body.
Nut then spent the next 4 days tentatively making his way down the mountain, his poor bruised arse his main priority, above that of his fellow man, and even the whole of humanity. When he reached the bottom, he started to think of a way to stop Little. When he asked a passer by what day it was, he nearly fainted. It was New Years Eve, he only had a few hours in which to stop Little. He didn't know where the chapel of power was, and didn't even know where to start looking. It was then that Nut had a plan, a fiendish, cunning plan, elegant in its simplicity. It might just work, if it didn't what the hell, they were all buggered anyway.
He quickly rushed over to Milton Keynes train station, bought a half price, sick child, super saver ticket to Wigan and strolled off into first class to finalise his plan.
Chapter 4 - Little at large
When he arrived at Wigan, Nut rushed off to his house. He gathered together all the carrier bags he could find, all the newspapers and every bottle in the house. He then wrapped it all up in another heavy duty bin liner and strolled off down the street. He walked for about and hour and finally stopped outside Chatsworth House. Chatsworth House was founded in 1980 by Pierce Winters. Winters was an millionaire plant lover, famous for his attacks on gardeners. He set up Chatsworth to deal with poorly flowers and vegetables, caused by car fumes and house dust. Nut plonked the festering mass of plastic on the scenic lawns and Chatsworth, and set fire to the fucking lot. Within a few seconds and huge great mushroom cloud of poisonous black fog was belching from the charnel stack that Nut had constructed. He sniggered to himself and quickly hid behind a wall. Soon the cloud had made its way into Chatsworth through some open windows. Nut could almost hear the choking cries of the plants at they were enveloped by the cloying smog. What he actually heard were the choking cries coming from Peterson House. Set up in 1978 to cater for meetings of sporting heroes, brave children and winners of the sweetest, nicest most kind people of the year competitions.
Nut looked at his watch, if his plan were to succeed it would be any time now
"Nooo, you selfish bastard, who would dare burn this filth."
There was Little, his tiny frame twitching with anger as he stamped out the fire. As he stamped away Nut cackled to himself when he remembered he'd also filled the bag full of cat turds that he'd found on his lawn. However, this was merely a small battle won, the war was yet to come. After he had finished putting out the fire, Little looked around hoping no-one had seen him. He then started to skulk off. Using all his guile and skill Nut started to follow Little, only to trip up within a few yards and fall face first into the smouldering, cat turd ridden mess that was just put out
"Bollocks, curse my massive clumsy feet" Nut whispered, careful not to let Little hear him.
He brushed himself off and followed Little. They wound there way through numerous streets and back alleys, eventually coming to a disused subway just outside of the city centre. Once inside, he noticed Little sneak around for a bit and then knock three times on a solid brick wall. To Nut's shock the wall slid away, revealing a dimly lit passage way behind it. As Little crept in Nut slowly followed him.
They eventually came upon a large chamber. Once Nut's eyes became accustomed to the darkness, he could see in the four corners of the room the four monkeys all chained up, looking terrified. In the centre of the room was a large ornate pedestal with a big red button on it. Nut could only assume this was the earth destruct button. Then from the corner of the room came Little. He was wearing a ludicrous cape made out of sods of grass, carrying a staff which looked to Nut like a rather withered bulrush. He took care to hide as Little started to speak
"Oh mighty mother earth, the time has come to end your suffering, please rid yourself of these evil creatures, oh apart from me, I would quite like to live, maybe you could grow me a woman, you could make her breasts from lovely firm melons and her.."
"Oh shut up Little you pontificating ponce"
"Whatt, who dare interrupt me on the eve of my greatest triumph"
"Hello Little, sorry to disturb you, I've just been doing some fly tipping"
"Noooo, stop nooo"
"Yes, I had a shed load of Dandelion and Burdock pop bottles, you know the ones, they are specially made for recycling and when you do, the bottle company gives money to rainforest relief. Well anyway I couldn't be bothered doing that, so I've just dumped them in that field just outside of town. You know the one, where they grow the rarest, most sensitive buttercup know to man. I also managed to get rid of my old car by torching it there. What a sight, I should have emptied the petrol out of it first, went up a treat and burnt the fuck out of a 400 year old oak tree, which was laded with sweet, nubile fertile acorns"
Little could hold back no longer, Nut's taunting had sent him over the edge. Ironically Nut was just trying to make conversation with him, in the hope of stalling him so that he could come up with a plan. What he just told Little, had happened only last week, while Nut was on his way to dump 50 shopping trolleys in the local pure water spring.
"Aaagggh, Nut I'll kill you"
Little ran at Nut with his arms flailing. However, he overbalanced and fell into the grasping arms of the earth monkey. This was unfortunate for Little as the earth monkey was a member of Bill Karts circus, and as such was so mistreated there that he had a foul temper. Before Little could do anything the ape had bashed what remained of his head completely in, killing Little stone dead.
Nut was elated, he had just saved the earth, he swaggered up to the ice monkey and gave it a pat on the head, only to be viscously bitten by it.
"Owww, you ungrateful ...
"Thank you um Nut, I can take care of things from now on"
Nut looked up, there standing in from of him was a beautiful young woman, dressed in a grass skirt with a massive feather head-dress.
"I am the daughter of Chief Lactating Dog, Little Fish. My father taught me the legend from um early age, it is my heap big duty to take it on and pass it to my children. Prophecy always say the biggest pillock save the day, and you are proof of that Betty Nut. Leave here now, I will take apes back to home, you go to New Year party and get on with life"
"But I've no party to go to Little Fish" Nut cried feeling sorry for himself.
Little fish smiled and pointed over Nut's shoulder.
There in the corner of the room was Poncy de Quim, spinning around in a circle, white foam spraying from his mouth and an empty bottle of turps on the ground. He seemed to be deep in conversation with one of his imaginary friends when he saw Nut.
"Arrrhhg, Bettyty Nuuut, Happy Year New, join us, arhrhrhh"
"Happy Bloody New Year Little Fish, thanks for nothing"
As Nut strode of to meet Poncy, his head bent low with deep sadness, Little fish and the apes embraced one another and walked off into the sunset.