Addressing a meeting in Buxton

This unusual, but in some ways, ludicrous party, devoted itself to the proposition that Britain would never again go to war if the game of cricket were abolished. (In 1913 Joseph Streich wrote a monograph on the subject which he performed in music halls up and down the country while walking on hot coals).

A woman alone

Tinker Saamsden, who had a Dutch father and a Wesleyan mother, was the leader of the Party, which at times resembled a neo-religious cult. "Never again," he roared (although in truth he had a squeaky, unimpressive voice), "will the playing fields of Acton determine the fate of this great nation."

Shelworthy romped home to victory with a majority of six hundred over the Whig candidate Sir Lefton Dusteigh-Shelves and was cheered to the echo by the Members as he entered the House that same night.

Tinkler

Veronica Shelworthy quickly recovered under the ministrations of Saamsden, who was a "hands-on" faith healer, and moved into his clinic (or house as it was known) and shared his facilities (or bed, as it later became clear was the case).

Shelworthy barely noticed she had gone, except when he tried to spread marmalade on her naked body at breakfast. He adored being an MP. Always a great talker, he now spoke long and movingly every night and was cheered to the echo every time he stopped speaking.

Dylan Thomas, as a four year old child recalled seeing Shelworthy playing an impromptu game of football with two buses at Hyde Park corner and never mentioned it in any of his plays or poems.

Cubbins

Similarly, D.H.Lawrence, back home to have the boil on his ankle seen to by Nurse Cubbins (see Kangaroo p.407) omitted to mention the dynamic young member of parliament even though he must have seen his name in the papers. Although there are those who claim that Lawrence had learned to write at the age of two, but that he had never actually learned to read. (See D.H.Lawrence's Home Page for speculation on this improbable theory).

Once Shelworthy became Assistant Prime Minister, it would be a different story. Noel Coward would probably always regret never having written a play about him, although he never mentioned it. The thing is, Crispin Shelworthy was the kind of man I'd like to have been. And if things had been different, who's to say I couldn't have made something of my life. Instead I was apprenticed to a garden gnome manufacturer at the age of ten.

But enough of me. It is time to return to Shelworthy. Not everything went smoothly for this genius among men. His wife, now expecting triplets (it must be assumed that Saamsden, already the father of ten children by three different women, was responsible) divorced Crispin for being unrepentantly otiose.

Cora de Lisle

She leaves our story, although thirty years later, when a remake of Gone with the Wind was being planned, she was considered for the Clark Gable role. Unfortunately the moustache was a problem, and she refused to shave it off.

On another page we will tell the astonishing story of Shelworthy's romance with his two secetaries Cora de Lisle and Monica Wol, and his attempts to climb Mount Everest while carrying a bicycle. The last word on this early part of his political career must go, as always, to his old friend Arthur Stapleton.