Permit me to introduce myself I am Donald Cream and I am fascinated by the supernatural!Together with my retarded son Graham (see pictures above) we wander the country of England in search of the bizarre.However before I begin with a chilling report about the supernatural let me tell you a bit about me and Graham.I am a graduate from the University of Grimsby with a 3rd class degree in woodwork.My interest began in the supernatural when I was raped by the ghost of Jack The Ripper.The ghost anally invaded me and I was never the same again!My son graham was brain damaged in a botched appendix operation leaving him a moron who cannot speak or even wipe is own arse.However the operation left him with an extraordinary gift , whenever ghosts are around my sons' eyes glow and he gets an enormous erection.He has proved invaluable in my investigations and if I am stressed I can always give him a slap.Well done graham!Anyway on with my story..........

Since before the creation of the universe men have talked about ghosts and goblins but until the invention of science it was not possible to capture true evidence of the existence of the spirit world.Until now!

I received a phone call from a deeply alarmed gentleman who owned a pub in the small town of Swanwick,Derbyshire.Alfred Small claimed his bar was haunted by a most fiendish ghost and could I come and investigate.I jumped at the chance and after holding my 22 year old sons' dick so he could have a piss we set off to our destination.We arrived in the late evening with the moon high in the sky and the pub looking spooky all covered in darkness and shadow.Alfred greeted us and began to tell us about the chilling true events that had happened in his very own pub!Alf ,who served 3 years in dartmoor prison for chequebook fraud, assured me that all the ghostly happenings were true and he'd stake his reputation on it. He began.........

People had started complaining that their beer tasted like piss.There was nothing unusual in this as the beer tastes bad most days but alf was shocked to discover when he took a sip of someone's pint that it actually was piss!Someone or something was pissing in the tubes filling the pumps with the foulest smelling urine known to man!A local doctor examined the piss and confirmed that it was human or something like human and contained an extraordinary amount of alcohol in it.This would explain why the regulars had been drinking it for weeks and getting drunk on it.The doctor added chillingly that it was physically impossible to piss down the tubes with a human penis and concluded that the only logical explanation was that it was the piss of a ghost.The doctor has since been struck off the medical register.I had to stop Alf at this point as my son Graham had shit his pants and needed to be hosed down.We retired to our prepared room for the night.The night was uneventful apart from graham having a wank.

The next morning with the pub still and quiet Alf continued his incredible story.

The pub regulars were getting very agitated and the final straw was when one of the drinkers found a human turd on the bar next to his pint.The turd was glowing and had a faint whiff of curry!The doctor again examined it and claimed that it could only come from the anus of a ghost.As the doctor was speaking out the corner of his eye Alf saw a ghostly apparition .He took a picture with his kodak automatic (see below) capturing what I'm sure you will agree is indisputable evidence of the existence of ghosts.

The picture on the right clearly shows Alf's wife Maureen standing next to a terrifying apparition.The picture has not been interfered with in anyway and Maureen was unaware of anything next to her.So there you have it ! Proof that ghosts exist and that they have to shit and piss just like everyone else.

After the ghost photo was shown to other regulars of the pub many did not return fearing that Alf was fucking nuts.However three men did continue to keep coming because they were alcoholics and Alf promised them free drinks.It involved one such man and his dog.Simon who enjoys special brew whenever he can get it was in the bar with his friendly and trustworthy labrador dog Banjo.Simon remembers that a cold breeze suddenly entered the bar then the dog started yelping and was very agitated.Banjo clearly had an erection and seemed to be being molested by an invisible hand.This hand was wanking the dog off in front of his master!Simon tried to comfort the dog by giving him a friendly kick but the dog did n't seem to respond?Simon could only keep the dog quiet by hitting it repeatedly with his walking stick until it was unconcious.Simon then passed out and pissed himself probably due to the shock.The dog was emotionally disturbed from that day on and would not set foot in the pub.This proved very awkward for Simon being and alcoholic and getting free drinks consequently Banjo had to be humanely shot in the head to ease his suffering.

The chilling photo taken by Alf!

Armed with the terrifying story told by Alf me and Graham decided to do our own investigation into the history of the pub.The pub was built in 1984 and was owned originally by a man called Stan Burrows who had died in bizarre circumstances in 1987.Stan it appears was a cross dresser and was convicted in 1986 for fornicating with a shetland pony in a field.He had tried to marry the pony but found an unforgiving society frowning on such behaviour and anyway he could n't get a vicar to perform the service.Stan was a broken man and found it hard to keep up the running of the pub and his whirlwind romance with the pony who incidentally was called Pippin.He wanted to go to somewhere where his love would be understood possibly Wales.However in 1987 whilst receiving a blow job from Pippin Stan died of heart failure.Pippin ended up on anti-depressants for the rest of her days always blaming herself for Stans death.It is believed that Stan's ghost still haunts the pub looking for his lost love Pippin.

 

Banjo before he was shot in the head.

Me and Graham spent seven nights in the haunted pub but found fuck all and guess what?Alf charged us for the room the tight fisted cunt!Nevertheless I am convinced that something paranormal walks the Dog & Duck pub in Swanwick.We shall just have to keep this file unsolved

Stan who only wanted to be loved!