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A Bad Day
Today has been a bad day. I don't have too many of them luckily, but when they happen they are very unpleasant.
I don't feel too much like writing this, but I think it is important to have some insight to what a bad day may be like for sufferers.
I can usually tell when a bad day is looming, as I wake up feeling quite anxious and am very preoccupied with my own thoughts. I feel quite hemmed in by my surroundings and want to be away from people to be left to my thoughts.
I have a feeling of dread for most of the time and many thoughts which relate to any symptoms which I am feeling. The thoughts just keep coming all of the time and won't quiet down. Most of the thoughts are very negative are mainly centered around illnesses which I imagine I have.
Today I suffered lots of heart palpitations and missed heart beats. These are classic anxiety symptoms. But when I'm having an attack, I can't seem to get the thought that I have heart disease out of my mind. I suspect that I have a condition which is worsening and that I may die - this again worsens my anxiety and makes the symptoms worse. My concentration becomes worse and I become more preoccupied and find it difficult to try to be my usual self with people, as I am constantly preoccupied with the thought that I am going to die.
Today I spent a lot of time checking my pulse and getting more and more anxious each time I felt a missed heart beat. I am sometimes convinced that my heart will stop and that I will die. I came very close to going to see my doctor and I thought that this time that maybe this was for real....again, classic signs of anxiety. One thing that I find frustrating is that even though I have a fairly intimate knowledge of the symptoms I am suffering and what is causing them, they still keep coming.
Crazy as it sounds, I even went on to a health web site to find out about heart palpitations and missed heart beats - as I have done many time before. Luckily, I found a site which discussed how that were in the main caused by stress and anxiety - that made me feel better....even though I knew that !
Just to give you a bit more background about this attack, I was at home with my family on this day, trying to have a normal weekend - I wasn't just sitting in a darkened room having an attack. This all happened whilst I was trying to maintain my normal outward appearance of a family man spending time at home with his wife and kids at the weekend. Sometimes I pull it off, sometimes I don't...today I didn't.
I believe that the attack was triggered by a couple of things. I saw a friend last night who has had a heart bypass and had previously had a heart attack in front of me. The conversation turned to the heart problems he had had (angina, heart attacks etc.) and was discussed in quite some detail. I have quite a problem with heart related details as that is the major trigger which seems to start my attacks. So, I guess that's why I had my problems today.
I am sick of my condition - I really hate it and wish it gone...I am so fed up of suffering these attacks, even though they are less frequent and less severe now. When I am having an attack, I feel that life is generally tainted and will never be good again. Things seem so negative.
It is the evening now, when I am writing this, and the worst of the attack has passed. My heart rate feels normal again and I am starting to feel as though things are getting better.
I will do some meditation this evening to try to turn things around for tomorrow, and get an early night to make sure I have plenty of sleep.
Last Updated : 14 April 2004 17:23:06