Tollerton Plough Play:

Tom Fool
Recruiting Sergeant
Farmer's Man
Lady
Dame Jane
Threshing Blade
Doctor

Tom Fool.
In comes I, bold Tom
Good evening ladies, gentlemen all
We have just come to taste your wine and beer
We have come to make you merry
Stoke up your fires, turn on your lights
And see our gallant play tonight
Some can dance and some can sing
At your consent they shall come in
Okum, Pokum, France and Spain
In comes the Recruiting Sergeant on his name

Recruiting Sargeant.
In comes I the Recruiting Sergeant
I have arrived here just now
I have orders from the king
Enlist all young men that follow horses, cart, waggon or plough
Tinkers, tailors, peddlers, nailers
All the more to my advance
The more I hear the fiddle play
the better I can dance

Tom Fool.
What, you dance?

Recruiting Sargeant.
Yes, I can either dance, sing or say

Tom Fool.
If you can either dance, sing or say
I will quickly walk away.

Short burst of music and dance.

Farmer's man.
In comes I the farmer's man
Don't you see my whip in hand
As I go forth to plough the land and turn it upside down
How straight I go from end to end
And never make a baulk or bend
And all my horses I attend
As they go marching round the end
Whoa, back Bob.

Lady.
Behold the lady bright and gay
Good fortune and sweet charms
How scornfully I have been thrown away
Out of my true love's arms
He says as I won't to him wed
He'll let me understand
He will list all for a soldier
And go into some foreign land.

Recruiting Sargeant.
Come all you lads that have a mind for listening
List and do not be afraid
You shall have all kinds of liquors
Likewise kiss this fair pretty maid.

To Farmer's Man
Are you willing to serve the King young man?

Farmer's man.
Thanks kind Sergeant. for your offer
Time away does quickly pass
The health and wealth does very well suit me
But I'm in love with this buxom lass

Recruiting Sargeant.
This buxom lass she will not maintain you
Her beauty it will fade away
Like the first rose of summer the winter doth become
Ten bright guineas shall be your bounty
If along with me you'll go
Your hat shall be neatly trimmed with ribbon
You shall cut a gallant show.
Are you free willing and able to serve your King?

Farmer's man.
Yes, Sergeant

Recruiting Sargeant.
In you hand I place this shilling
On your hat I place this ribbon
You are a King's man.

Lady.
And since my love has left me, and entered volunteers
I neither mean to sigh for him or yet to shed one tear
I neither mean to sigh for him but just to let you know
I will get another sweetheart and along with him I'll go.

Tom Fool.
Do you love me my pretty fair maid?

Lady.
Yes, to my sorrow

Tom Fool.
And when shall be our wedding day?

Lady.
Tommy dear, tomorrow

All 4
And we'll shake hands and we'll make banns
And we'll get wed tomorrow.

Dame Jane.
In comes I Dame Jane
With a neck as long as any crane
Bibble, babble, over the meadows
A long time I have sought thee and now I have got thee
Pray, Tommy, take thy child

Tom Fool.
Child, Jinny? It's not my child
Look at it, it's not a bit like me

Dame Jane.
Look at its eyes, nose and chin
It is as much like you as ever it can grin.

Tom Fool.
Who says so?

Dame Jane.
The overseer of the parish pump said I was to bring it
To the biggest fool in the house
and I think you are he.

Tom Fool.
Thank you, Jinny.

Threshing Blade.
In come I old threshing blade.
As all you people know
My old dad learnt me this trade
Just sixty years ago
I thrashed old Bony-part and all his crew
And I will thrash you before I go

Recruiting Sargeant.
You won't.

Threshing Blade.
I will

Recruiting Sergeant. knocks Threshing Blade down.

Tom Fool.
O, Murphy, Murphy, what hast thou done
Thou hast killed and slain thy'n only son
Thy'n only son, thy'n only heir
Can'st thou not see him bleeding there?
Five pounds for a doctor.

Recruiting Sargeant.
Ten pounds for him to stay away.

Tom Fool.
Fifteen for him to come
If there is one to be found anywhere.

Recruiting Sargeant.
Well, there is.

Tom Fool.
Well, step in doctor.

Doctor.
Whoa boys, whoa boys, take hold of my horse
Mind it does not swallow you
In comes I the doctor.

Tom Fool.
What, you the doctor?

Doctor.
Yes, me the doctor.

Tom Fool.
How became you to be a doctor?

Doctor.
By my travels.

Tom Fool.
Where did you travel?

Doctor.
Italy, Ireland, Germany, France and Spain
Thirteen times round the world and back again.

Tom Fool.
What, as far as that?

Doctor.
Yes, and a great deal further than that.
Also two-two miles yon side of York
Where I cured an old woman called Mrs Cork
She tumbled upstairs with a teapot
Half full of cold boiling water.
And grazed her shin just below the elbow
And made her stocking top bleed
Also to my old grandmother's cupboard
Where I always used to get a piece of cake and pork pie,
That's what makes me such a fine big man.

Tom Fool.
Fine big man you are.

Doctor.
Yes, as big as two men in this room.
My own size particularly when I get my hat off.

Tom Fool.
What great pains can you cure, doctor?

Doctor.
Ipsy, pipsy, palsy, gout
Pains within and pains without
Draw a leg, set a tooth
Physic cats, poison rats
Almost bring a dead man to life again
But I haven't done that yet.

Tom Fool.
You seem a clever old chap, doctor
I wish you would try your skill on this young man.

Doctor.
By your leave, sir, I will.
Here pretty lady, take hold of this hat, stick and walking gloves
While I feel this man's pulse.

Tom Fool.
Pulse man, the pulse doesn't lie there.

Doctor.
Where Tommy, where would you feel?

Tom Fool.
You feel the bridge of the neck and the back of the nose of course
That's the hardest and softest part about him.

Doctor.
This man is not dead, he is in a trance,
He has been trying a new experiment.

Tom Fool.
What is that doctor?

Doctor.
He has been living on green raw boiled potatoes tops
Nine days all but a fortnight
Also swallowed his old Grandmother's donkey and cart
And couldn't digest the wheels.
Oh, I have a box of pills here.

Tom Fool.
By the way doctor, what pills do you carry?

Doctor.
These pills are anti-bilious pills
Take one at night and one in the morning
And swallow the box at dinner time
If the pills do not digest, the box will
Oh, I have another box here

Tom Fool.
Stilts for shrimps, crutches for lame grasshoppers
Spectacles for blind bumble-bees
And many other things I cannot mention just now.
Inside my inside trousers waistcoat pocket that I have left at home
I have a bottle of whiff-whaff
To teem down his old tiff-taff.
If you can dance and I can sing
Arise old chap and let's begin.

All
Good masters and good mistress
As you sit around your fire
Remember us poor ploughboys
Who plough through mud and mire
The mire it is so very deep
The water runs so clear
Put your hands into your pockets that is all that we desire
Put bread into our hoppers
and beer into our cans
Let's hope you will never forget
The jolly old Farmer's Man.

Collection: fool leaves.

Good masters and good mistress
You see our fool has gone
We make it our business to follow him along.
We thank you for civility and what you gave us here
We wish you all goodnight and another happy year.


Found in:
Forester Morris web site.