Enter Molly
Molly
A room, a room,
For me and my broom,
And all my brave company.
I'll sweep your house as clear as a berry
For very little money.
Come in, my foreman.
Enter Duke of Cumberland
Duke of Cumberland
In comes I the Duke of Cumberland
With my broad sword in my hand.
Where is a man who care before me stand?
I would kill him, slay him, and cut him up as small as flies,
And send him to Jamaica to make mince pies.
Molly
You will? Stand back then.
Come in King George.
Enter King George
King George
In comes King George with sword in hand,
Where is that man who said he dare before me stand!
Duke of Cumberland
Here he is!
King George
You said you would kill me, slay me, and cut me up as small as flies,
And send me to Jamaica to make mince pies
Duke of Cumberland
And so I will
Together
Mince pies hot, mince pies cold,
Mince pies in the pot nine days old.
A battle, a battle betwixt you and I,
To see which on the ground shall lie.
A battle between King George and the Duke in which the Duke knocks down King George.
Molly
Stand back, stand back, you have killed the man!
Is there a good doctor in the land?
Enter Dr. Parr
Dr. Parr
Yes, there is a good doctor in the land.
Molly
Five thousand pounds for a good doctor to come.
Dr. Parr
Doctor won't come to no such money!
Molly
Ten thousand pounds for a good doctor to come!
Dr. Parr
Doctor will come, long way to come, and a ricketty old nag to come on.
Doctor rides in on another man's back.
Dr. Parr
In comes I, old Doctor Parr,
And in my time I've travelled far.
I've travelled England, Scotland, Wales and Rome,
And yet I've never been far from home.
Molly
How do you make that out then?
Dr. Parr
Because I've always stayed at home.
Molly
What can you do now you have come?
Dr. Parr
I can cure the ip, the pip, the stitch, the palsy and the gout,
Pains within and pains without.
I can cure any old major or jay who can't cough for laughing.
Molly
You had better set to work then.
Dr. Parr
I'll give him a drop of my medicine.
Molly
Don't choke the man!
Dr. Parr
I only gave him a tablespoonful!
Molly
A barushovelful?
Dr. Parr
A tablespoonful!
Molly
Cavinscuttleful ?
Dr. Parr
No, a tablespoonful!
Molly
Oh! I see.
Dr. Parr
But no wonder the man lies here half dead.
He's got a big tooth in the back of his head,
And if it's not drawn ho will soon be `dead
Molly
Better draw it then.
Dr. Parr
I shall want one or two of you camel-backed Irishmen to help pull.
Duke of Cumberland
I'll make one!
Molly
I'll do a little.
Dr. Parr
Are you all ready? Pull!
Molly
Have you got it?
Dr. Parr
No, slipped off.
Are you all ready? Pull!
Molly
Have you got it?
Dr. Parr
Yes. No wonder the man lay here half dead,
To see this great tooth I've drawn from his head.
Molly
Better hand it round the company then.
Dr. Parr holds up a large tooth - horse's.
Molly
Is that all you can do then?
Dr. Parr
If any man in this company can do more than me,
You had better call him in and see.
Molly
Come in, Jack Finney.
Enter Jack Finney
Finney
My name is not Jack Finney, it is Mr. Finney, a man of great pain
Who can bring this man or any other man to life again.
Molly
You had better set to work then.
Finney
I'll give him one of my pills, a working binder.
Molly
A selfbinder?
Finney
No, a working binder, guaranteed to go through him like a furze faggot, turn round in him like a wheelbarrow, and come out like a freewheel gig. This man reviveth.
Molly
Gone by with it, not that he ain't fit for he lays here now.
Finney
This man reviveth
Molly
Read the Bible. never in all his days!
Finney
This man reviveth.
Molly
Oh, I see.
Finney catching hold of man's feet
Finney
I'm sure this man is not dead,
So come, old fellow, rise up your head.
Molly
That ain't his head!
Finney
What is it then?
Molly
His stommicks!
Finney catching hold round man's waist.
Finney
I'm sure this man is not quite dead,
So come, old fellow, rise up your head.
Molly
That ain't his head!
Finney
What is it then?
Molly
His pantry!
Finney catching hold of man's head
Finney
This is the case I saw before!
Rise up King George, and fight no more.
Molly
Stand back! Stand back! I'll have no more fighting tonight!
Come in, Beelzebub!
Enter Beelzebub
Beelzebub
In comes I, Beelzebub.
On my shoulder I carry my club,
In my hand my dripping pan,
Don't you think I'm a funny old man?
Molly
Rather! Stand back then! Come in Bighead.
Enter Bighead.
Bighead
In comes I that's never been yet,
With my big head and little wit.
My head's so big, my wit so small,
I've come this night to please you all.
My father killed a great fat hog, so you can plainly see,
And my mother gave me this bladder, to be my hurdy-gurdy.
Lay down good dog and eat your bone and wriggle it through your ribs.
And now my lads and lasses,
Cock up your tails and give us a jig.
Mummers all line up and then dance round the room, Big Head playing the instrument.
Found in:
Helm A. & Cawte E.C. (1967) Six Mummers' Acts. The Guizer Press, Leicestershire.
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