LOWER HEYFORD,

This text was written out by the boys of an evening school for the Rev. H. Furneaux in 1885. Variants are given in round brackets.

Man.
In comes I all hind before I comes first to open the door. Make room (a room, a room) for me and all my jolly family. I have a large family at the door, I (hatched them in a magpie's nest) bred them up in a sawpit, and they haven't had but one crust of bread the last fortnight, and that I ate myself. Don't you think me a good old dummun (woman)? I went down a long broad short narrow lane, and there I met a pig- stye tied to an elder-bush, built with apple dumplings (pancakes) and thatched with pancakes (apple dumplings). I knocked at the maid and the door came out, and she asked me if I could eat a glass of beer and drink a crust of bread and cheese. I said no thank you but yes if you please (I then asked her if she could lend me a pickaxe. She said yes, you go up 100, 11, 10 pair of stairs and down ten into the yard and there you will find one). I went a bit further and I met a bark and he dogged at me. I went to the stake and pulled out a hedge and give him such a head over the ratter.

Man.
Walk in King George

King George enters with a stick in his hand.

King George.
I am the man that slew the dragon and brought him to the slaughter and by that noble (mighty) deed I won the King of Egypt's daughter. Where is the man that dares to bid me stand ?

Bonaparte enters with a stick

Bonaparte.
Here he is! I am Bonaparte just come from Thumberloo (Thumberland). With my broad sword and shield I won ten ton of gold. I am the man that dares to bid thee stand, so a battle to battle betwixt you and I to see which on the ground shall lie. (I'll cut thee as numerous and small as flies and send you to the cookshop to make mince pies). Mind your hits and guard my blows or else I'll have you on your nose.

In the fight Bonaparte kills King George and the mother then calls out.

Mother.
Doctor, Doctor, do your part, King George is wounded to his heart, and in his knee: ten pounds (£500) in gold I'll give to thee. Doctor ain't coming for that. Then one fathing in gold I'll give to thee. Doctor's a coming and glad of the money.

The doctor then enters on his horse.

Doctor.
My man Jack?

A Man.
What Doctor?

Doctor.
Bring me a pill.

Man.
I shan't, you fetch it.

Doctor.
What do I keep you for?

Man.
Not to be. your fool.

Doctor.
Be your own for once and bring it.

Man.
Here it is.

Doctor.
What sort is this?

Man.
A rusty boiler.

Doctor.
I told you to bring a stomach choker.

Man.
Never right.

Doctor.
I'll give King George this one pill. (Ladies and gentlemen, if you want to know where I live, I live at N°.1 Jelly Futton, and there you will find me skimming dead mutton.) It'll go down his throat like a wheelbarrow (coach and four), strike against his heart like a pick-axe, and come from him like a coach and four (wheelbarrow). My man Jack ?

Man.
What Doctor?

Doctor.
What did you give my horse for supper this morning?

Man.
Racked him up with a furze fagot and gave him the besan for a bed.

Doctor.
I thought you gave him something rather rough. My man Jack.

Man.
What?

Doctor.
Bring me one more pill.

Man.
Here it is.

Doctor.
What sort is it?

Man.
A turned up ploughshare.

Doctor.
I'll give this one pill to this old man, and it will make him at once secure against all ills, so rise up King George, and never fall down any more Walk in Jack Fitch.

John Finney.
My name is Mr John Finney Esquire.

Doctor.
Walk in Mr John Finney Esquire.

John Finney enters.

John Finney.
Here comes I now that haven't been yet, with my great head and little wit. Though my head is so big and my wit so small, I can play a tune that will please you all.

He begins to play a tin whistle and the whole company begin sipping and dancing and the performance ends.



Found in:

Tiddy R. J. E. (1923) The Mummers' Play. Oxford University press.