ToshTalk

Southampton FC have failed in their audacious bid to land Oliver Hardy of AC Milan. Like so many tired internationals, the ageing forward was said to be keen on seeing out his playing career in the Premiership and Southampton caught his eye due to the quality and depth of their £30,000 per week offer. Nevertheless, competition has proved fierce for the German who had been an automatic selection in his national side during their recent poor run of form in the European and World Cups and he has decided to pursue a £70,000 per week contract as managing director of RailTrack instead.

Saints Chairman Rupert Lowe has firmly rejected Glenn Hoddle's approach for defence stalwart Dean Richards. "We are in the business of team strengthening," he told reporters a short while ago, "and we are not about to let our best players go unless we get at least £3 million and a Spurs reject in exchange. We have an ambition to improve on our top-10 finish last season and we'll do this by finishing in 17th place with a completely unproven and inexperienced manager in charge."

B*stard b*stard b*stard b*stard b*stard b*stard b*stard b*stard b*stard b*stard Spurs and their b*stard Chairman b*stard b*stard b*stard ENIC b*stard b*stard b*stard defiant Saints Chairman Rupert Lowe standing proud for the Saints but what a complete b*stard b*stard b*stard London media b*stard b*stard b*stard even bigger b*stard b*stard b*stard Hoddle b*stard b*stard b*stard.

Saints Chairman Rupert Lowe today confirmed that the Italian side Brescia had tabled an offer of £2 million for the £8 million-rated James Beattie. The announcement was made by means of a typed press release, Lowe being incapacitated due to fits of uncontrollable laughter. Meanwhile Hassan Kachloul is continuing his contract negotiations from the hijacked 10.40 Southampton - Leeds/Bradford BA JetStream at Beirut International Airport.

In a shock development at today's Court of Appeal, Bruce Grobelaar has been found guilty of taking bribes from shadowy figures outside the world of football to influence the outcome of football matches. Trapped in a classic sting operation involving Harry Gration wearing a false moustache and a hidden South Today camera, Grobelaar was frank with his confession.

'I admit I took money from a syndicate of Southampton directors and was told that if I continued to keep the ball out of the goal, I could expect regular payments totalling thousands of pounds. Every now and then the plan would backfire when, despite my best efforts, I would be dispossessed just on the edge of the opposition's penalty area and they'd go on to score but the cheques still kept coming in. I would like to apologise to the fans of Portsmouth FC for letting them down and Mark Lawrenson particularly for buggering up his predictions again. I have learnt my lesson and I'm planning to develop a managerial career. I currently have offers from Manchester City and Coventry and I can assure you that wherever I end up, no-one will be paid to keep the ball out ever again.'

£18 million Leeds signing Rio Ferdinand has been ruled out for four weeks following a bizarre ligament injury sustained while watching television with his feet up. Messages of sympathy have been flooding in from Saints current and ex-players, James Beattie, David Hirst, Marians Pahars and Francis Benali amongst them, who have been victims of the poorly-understood syndrome Uwerepisdand-Unouwereitis. Says Southampton's star striker James Beattie : 'The worst part is that no-one can believe you can do a leg just by slipping over while walking upstairs in your flip-flops.' Ex-Saint and shower casualty Perry Groves was due to pay the recovering player a morale-boosting visit but was himself taken to hospital after falling down a mineshaft on the way in from the Elland Road visitors car park.

Reports in today's newspapers suggest that ENIC, the consortium backing Spurs, have made an approach to Glenn Hoddle to invoke a clause in his contract allowing him to leave Southampton for a bigger club. The Saints Chairman Rupert Lowe has made the terse response that the club's legal team will immediately challenge any such moves on the basis of Tottenham Hotspur last being big in 1991. George Graham appeared tired and confused when told of these developments but suggested that Hoddle would be a welcome purchase in the role of playmaker positioned just behind the front two.

David Platt had plenty of opportunity to reflect on cruel misfortune as he visited seven of his starting eleven in Nottingham General Hospital this morning.

"We usually expect a few injuries around halfway through the season but this is definitely the worst run of bad luck we've had since relegation. After finally ditching the old physio Dr Shipman and doing the loan deal with Southampton, we've had Chris Bart-Williams breaking his leg in a freak training incident with Franny Benali, David Beasant with his broken jaw after the Bolton game going up for that 50:50 ball with Franny and Marlon Harewood getting cracked ribs after that waist high karate challenge with Franny."

"I've been in consultation with the new physio and we're going to start introducing some changes as soon as possible. Firstly, we're adding jalfrezi to the menu in the club canteen and secondly, we've made a decision that the new strip should be striped red and white. This may take a little time for the fans to accept but I want them to know that it's something all the uninjured squad members are pleading for."

Asked about the unorthodox 3:4:2:1 formation which has led to a flurry of goals in recent matches, Platt was more upbeat.

"Part of the reason for getting Franny from The Dell was his versatility at playing equally badly everywhere. For one game we had no recognized strikers and it was Stuart Gray who rang me and suggested I play Franny up front with his back to goal, since he's scored most of his league goals from that position. And sure enough, it's come good for the lad."

Glenn Hoddle can breathe a little easier now that Latvian ace Marians has signed a contract taking him through to 2005. Speaking at a packed press conference yesterday, Hoddle made plain his intention to consolidate the Saints squad. "It's always good when issues like this are resolved. Of course it's a shame it's not our contract which he's signed but I'm sure he'll be very happy at Bradford. Plus it's great to be getting someone with Dean Saunders' experience in exchange."

Glenn Hoddle has been left reeling by the dramatic news that veteran Saints defensive liability Francis Benali will be out for the start of the season following an accidental training ground clash with Kevin Davies.

"It's the first time I've broken a leg," said Benali, adding "One of mine, anyway. Me and Kev went for the same ball, he kicked out and got me instead. The doctor reckons it's not too bad, it's a hairline fracture not a proper displacement so when Kev's black eye and bruised ribs get better, I'll teach him how to do the job properly."

Ex-Villa and England ace Mark Draper is looking forward to the challenge of being the fourth worst side in the Premiership and is playing down media speculation of a recurrent injury weakness. "It's a lot of fuss over nothing, I fractured my ankle a year ago but it's fine now. In fact I'm going to Birmingham Royal Infirmary this weekend to see it and change the formaldehyde."

Meanwhile Saints manager Glenn Hoddle is upbeat: "What I wanted to do at Southampton is to take them out of this situation of being in a relegation fight over the last few games of every season. I achieved that last time and I'm sure I can do the same this season cos quite frankly, having seen our run-in I reckon we'll be relegated by March."

The late summer silly season has started early in Portsmouth following a strange discovery in waste grassland a short distance from the city centre. Amongst broken bottles, tyre-less bicycle wheels and the odd body of an unwise tourist is the unmistakable outline of a white, chalky circle. The appearance is considered by full-time circle watchers to be bona fide given that it looks too unprofessional to be a hoax. Amongst the plausible explanations being suggested are that it may have been a graveyard for ex-professionals, a sacred site commemorating many battlefield defeats or even the place where Padric Prince of Tri Corn was hung, drawn and quartered by an angry mob of peasants in 1973.

However, there is no shortage of off-beat theories and the most outlandish yet is that proposed by Professor Frederick Sensible from the University of Chipping Sodbury (currently on sabbatical in Rampton), namely that at some time in the city's pre-medieval past, the scrubland may have hosted football matches.

Despite a number of setbacks, development on Southampton's new stadium has continued over the summer. Excavation was temporarily halted when ancient Saxon remains were unearthed by mechanical diggers. An archaeological team was duly despatched but left in disappointment when the 'discovery' turned out to be Mark Hughes on his way to emptying his Dell locker.

The Dell has been rocked by the news that retired ex-England international Paul Gascoigne has in fact not been linked with the club at all but has signed for Everton. "It's a shame alright," said Hoddle speaking yesterday, "We've a shortage of midfielders in the treatment room and he'd have fitted in nicely."

The move will see the blubbing fat bragstad link up with former manager Walter Smith who will be hoping to avoid a repeat of Gazza's controversial 'flute-blowing' antics on his first appearance for Rangers.

Uproar ensued at the Goodison Park press conference announcing Paul Gascoigne's arrival when the Geordie tosser stumbled in half-cut knocking photographers in all directions before belching into a microphone. He then produced a Liverpool shirt and disappeared off in the direction of the toilets shouting that it was much more absorbent than Andrex Kittensoft.

After the success of arrangements such as between Liverpool and Crewe Alexandra, Crystal Palace and Juventus and Manchester United and everyone else's U15 sides, Southampton have linked up with Welsh success story Swansea City in an attempt to kickstart a faltering youth policy. The first fruits of this combined initiative are expected shortly when Swansea reserve players Jones the Defence and Ivor the Midfield Engine take their place in the Saints first team for the opening match at Pride Park. "They'll do well out of it - even if it means a drop in standards, it's worth it for the match practice," said the Swansea manager yesterday.

Following a shocking run of 9 goals conceded in 3 games, Dave Jones is running the rule over former German U21 keeper Marc Ziegler. "Aye well like, the one thing I thought after Saturday's game was that we needed another keeper in there between the sticks to help out Paul Jones."

Saints' current second choice keeper, Neil Moss, was philosophical when interviewed yesterday.

"Mr Jones has told me that I'm definitely one for the future, so I'm just waiting for Preston or Huddersfield to come in with a bid," he said.

Giving evidence in court yesterday, gifted Southampton midfielder Matthew Le Tissier told a stunned court that he "chickened out" of a confrontation in a Southampton nightclub and walked away after being assaulted by a drunken assailant. "Well I'd already been booked for timewasting in the Gents," he explained.

The prosecution alleges that Southampton taxi driver Robbie de Niro took offence to Le Tissier dancing with his ex-girlfriend before launching the unprovoked attack. In the course of his testimony, the Channel Islander was asked to confirm if, on the night in question, he had downed around a dozen Malibus. In reply he indicated that this figure was misleading since they were only half-pints.

Meanwhile, the all-male jury has had to be replaced following the admission of one member that he was a fervent Saints fan and therefore unable to think clearly when confronted with his idol in the flesh. The remaining 11 have also been discharged following their admission that they were unable to think clearly when confronted with Le Tissier's glamorous girlfriend in the flesh.

The price of Southampton shares rocketed late yesterday afternoon following the news that veteran defender Francis Benali had tweaked a hamstring reaching for a jar of Patak's lime pickle on a high shelf. Confidence in the stocks has never been higher as they reached a high of 40p following an opening price of 39.5p.

Following recent evidence of drug-taking amongst Premiership players, the FA have doubled their random testing teams and swooped on the Saints squad during their preseason training on the South Coast. In an unusual step, the guilty parties have been identified in an attempt to shame them into cooperation with counselling groups.

When challenged by ToshTalk, Matt Le Tissier appeared sheepish and appeared to blame his folly on a local shortage of whipped cream.

Player	Substance (/100ml blood)
Stuart Ripley	10.5ml Red Bull
Matt Le Tissier	0.5ml Vegemite
Francis Benali	45g Chicken Tikka Masalla
James Beattie	0.05g Jolly Rancher extract - produces delusional states (eg. "I am Marco van Basten")
Chris Marsden	0.005g Minoxidil - hair restorative banned by FIFA after the Bobby Charlton debacle
Jason Dodd/Paul Jones	2ml Marston's Pedigree - causes double vision, impaired coordination

Dave Jones is reeling today from the news that bookies William Hill are quoting odds of 10,000:1 that he will see out an unprecedented third season as Saints manager.

"It's come as quite a shock," he said this morning. "Particularly since I've just had a vote of confidence from the board which must mean something."

The anticipated transfer of Mansfield full-back sensation Foggy Dewhurst to Southampton collapsed late yesterday when the parties failed to agree on personal terms. This follows on from a clutch of recent knockbacks from raids on Northern sides. A disappointed Dewhurst gave his thoughts afterwards:

"Ah well, I'm sure it's reet nice down on t'South Coast an' all but how will meh pigeons cope ? Then there's Cilla, meh ferret - she's due any day now an' thee'd understand it'd be right unfair t'expect her to purrup wiyit. Anyroad, them soft southern sh*tes drink Pimms and champagne, not real bitter. Our ale's got real Yorkshire water, passed by thousands of Yorkshiremen and recycled straight from t'urinals. Bitter wi' nowt taken out, norreven the fag ends."

Pressed further on his unusual preference for a move to local non-league side Fullmonty FC over the glamorous Premiership, he revealed: "Ah well actually they aren't the real reasons. The truth is, meh wife Nora wouldn't let me coom down South cos they're funny down there. They wash after every game, they've got lights that come on when you flick a switch and there's so little rain you have to pay for water to be delivered to your house instead of collecting the drips from t'ceiling."

Jones was disappointed but reflective: "We tried a relocation package - we got in some contractors to half-demolish a house in Derby Road, got the pest control people to make a few deliveries and covered the place with ice cubes but he wasn't going for it. He said the air was too clean and seeing Nora clearly for the first time was making him feel a bit sick."

Answers are being demanded of Southampton boss Dave Jones in the light of persistent rumours that Southampton are going to go the way of Manchester United and voluntarily drop out of this season's FA Cup competition. ToshTalk was granted a rare interview with the ex-Everton player by virtue of standing in front of his car until he spoke to us.

"Well over the summer I've had a chance to think about where we went wrong last season and, to be honest, it would have been completely different if we hadn't lost so many games. Now you can look at team strengthening or extra training but to me, the obvious answer would be to play less games. And after thinking long and hard about it, we'll start by dropping out of the FA Cup."

"Pretty well by the team and supporters I should think, no-one likes being humiliated by opponents from lower divisions. But I reckon Fulham and Reading might be worried. "

In an interview with ToshTalk, the Arsenal striker Luis Boa Morte has indicated that more Portuguese players could be making their way into the Premier League, with Southampton at the front of a number of interested clubs.

"Yes, ees good to play in Premier Ship," he said. "Ees many players want to come because money, she is good, no ? We see how good your Eeenglish players are, your Miguel Thomas, Dino Saunders and your manager Souness at Benfica and we say to ourselves: 'Santa Maria, we canna do better than that ! Less all go to Premier Ship !'."

Rumours continue to circulate concerning the private lives of professional footballers in the light of the Robbie Fowler/Graeme Le Saux incident. Now the focus is on Southampton's own Ken Monkou and ToshTalk has learnt the following 10 reasons why he owes us an explanation.

Troubled Portsmouth have been warned by the FA that they must clean up their financial act or face expulsion from the Football League by a cruel policy known as "aesthetic cleansing".

ToshTalk spoke to Alan Ball for his opinion: "Things have got so bad that the Chairman hands me just over a fiver each week for the lads' wages. How am I supposed to pay professional footballers out of that ? Thank goodness we haven't got any."

However, Pompey's unlikely Sino-Serbian saviour Mr Milosevic Mandarin was in defiant mood. Speaking in broken English, he said: "We not taking this on chin lying down. Is time for war against 'aesthetic cleansing'. At end of day, we will have revolution in Portsmouth - after all, most of supporters been revolting for years."

Following the promotion of Sunderland, Watford and Bradford to the Premiership, Dave Jones has set a minimum target of 30 points for survival.

Speaking yesterday, he also forwarded his congratulations to the 1st Division play-off winners Watford and their jubilant manager Graham Taylor

"I am sure they'll do very well, maximum points from their first few games, go top for a while, stutter against some mid-table sides, get the usual 'shock' home and away wins against Liverpool, get hammered by Manchester United then go on a 10-game beaten run leading up to a few frantic closing fixtures during which they scrape a surprising away win then fluff their final home match and get relegated." he said.

Matt Le Tissier was similarly up-beat: "There's a lot of confidence amongst the squad; I reckon we don't need to win till March this time."

Despite protests from various agencies, UEFA are insisting that Southampton fulfil their pre-season fixture against an Iraqi Republican Guard XI.

"Unfortunately this fixture was arranged a while ago when it was a guaranteed home win and the Republican Guard were better known for their formation motorcycle and synchronized swimming displays."

"With the current situation, they can forget about the red carpet treatment. We usually give visiting teams vouchers redeemable at prominent local curry houses but not on this occasion."

On the plus side, Southampton are expected to coast past the Republican Guard, who have a terrible defensive record.

In a move sure to please Saints fans everywhere, demolition work has begun at the gasworks site in St Marys. Crowds gathered to watch as the buildings were levelled in a number of controlled explosions.

"This just goes to show that we can be up with the big boys without risking club finances", said Saints Chairman Rupert Lowe. "It represents the completion of phase 1 of the building plan and all it's cost us is a tin of paint, some cloth and a bamboo cane."

However, the event was marred by the news that Francis Benali, staunch servant of the South Coast club, had gone missing.

"He drew the short straw," said Lowe, "It was him that shimmied up the thing, painted "Albania" on the side and hung a Chinese flag from the top."

As the crisis continues, people of all nations and backgrounds are appealing to the Serb leader Milan Mandaric to stop persecuting ethnic Koshamars. The territory has been in dispute for a number of years and the Koshamo separatist movement has been ruthlessly suppressed.

"It's awful", cried one displaced Koshamar, "just when we thought we were free of the despair and hopelessness of being Portsmouth fans, the Serb comes in and brings it to life again. And he says he's doing us a favour ! All across the city I have seen men rounded up, forced to wear pathetic blue and white rags and herded into a labour camp called Fratton Park and you never see them again."

ToshTalk spoke to Southampton midfielder Hassan Kachloul and asked him if he supported NATO action against the Serbs. "Yes" he replied.

In a shock move, the previously unknown far-right paramilitary group "Defend British Gas Towers" has threatened direct intervention should construction begin on Southampton FC's new St Marys stadium. The group's publication, "Bluff and Bluster", has carried a two-page spread identifying Southampton players and their likely engagements on forthcoming Saturday afternoons. The source of this leak has not been established but it is believed that security at the Dell is so lax that copies of sensitive information can be purchased for a few pounds outside on match days. Police are investigating and have raided a number of houses in the Portsmouth area.

The Brazilian international Denilssen has been spotted driving a Vauxhall Chevette along Highfield Road near the Dell. The superbly-talented striker/midfielder is understood to be sounding out a move to the Premiership and believes Southampton to be the best showcase for his talents since the BBC's "South Today" is regularly shown in his native Brazil. A player-swap/cash deal is on the cards with Egil Ostenstad likely to go the other way.

The Southampton manager Dave Jones will shortly complete the signing of USA 94 star Diana Ross to put further pressure on his strikers. In a recent interview, Ms Ross, available on a free transfer from Polygram, stated how keen she was to spend the last few years of her playing career "somewhere sunny by the sea, ideally Hampshire."

In a move sure to rock the soccer world, Dave Jones has announced his resignation. In an interview with 442 Magazine, he stated that he is "resigned to losing Ken Monkou, unless I drop him a few more readies like."

The problem of drugs threatens to cast a shadow over sport in the 21st Century, or does it ? We asked Southampton star James Beattie for a comment and he shouted back that he was too busy before crossing the ball for Pahars to score.

The Southampton squad have closed ranks after counter staff at a prominent Southampton fast food restaurant reported serving Matthew Le Tissier a number of food items off their menu yesterday. Whilst the staff in question have been instructed not to reveal any more details, ToshTalk has learnt that a staggering 1500 burgers and some 1700 portions of fries were sold on the day in question. This will only add further fuel to the rumours that Le Tissier is unfit and will need a strenuous pre-season to return to his best.

Any hope that Stuart Ripley might have had of a return to his Blackburn form has been given a boost by some excellent work in a recent reserve game. No less than three strikes found the target against admittedly young Swindon opposition and no doubt impressed the watching Dave Jones who congratulated him with a cuff round the head as he left the field. He has been anxious to broaden his skills in the game, focussing on striking and heading, and this latest performance surely spells the end of a long spell in the Southampton reserves.

The soccer world is reeling today following the admission by Southampton strikers Marians Pahars and James Beattie that they received cash payments in return for scoring goals in the final few fixtures of the 1998/9 season.

"Everyone was at it," said Beattie speaking through his solicitor yesterday evening, "we were promised that if we 'did the business', we'd be well looked after. Sure enough, after the Leicester game, I was bunged a few quid."

The FA are under pressure to investigate the club's financial dealings after it emerged that "Cash for Goals" money was laundered through the PAYE system and on-shore bank accounts.

Following the frank admissions of a number of successful footballers, and also Tony Adams and Paul Merson, Southampton's midfielder Matthew Oakley is not afraid to speak out.

"My drugs and sleaze hell", he read from the notebook we gave him, before saying "Is that it then ?" and walking off.

ToshTalk - The Story Behind the News