Life didn't pass me by, it sat on my head.
I left high-school, lost the will to live and here I am...
I hate my life... can't eat, can't sleep, can't bury my wife in the backyard.
Sorry, Peg, I didn't hear you. I was thinking of killing myself.
Why is it that Elvis is dead but I'm in hell?
LOVE & MARRIAGE
Just say no to marriage.
Peg, when you married me, was it pre-meditated or a drive-by marriage?
Peg we've been married for 17 years. Can't we just be friends?
What was I thinking when I said 'I do'?
I'd already had sex with her so I didn't need that again.
Crosses, sunlight... nothing works on you anymore does it?
Except for the day before the day I met you, Peg, this is the happiest day of my life.
It's bad enough that I know we're married, do we have to let the whole world know?
There is so much that I wanna say to you but there's a show coming on that I wanna watch.
Insurance is like marriage. You pay and pay but you never get anything back.
Christmas is no time for regrets, that's what wedding anniversaries are for.
I don't HAVE to go to sleep after sex. I WANT to go to sleep after sex. I welcome the darkness.
Pretty good for a guy stupid enough to marry you, huh ?
Peg, I suspect your mind, much like the lost continent of Atlantis, no longer appears on any map.
If I could just help one kid not marry, my job is done.
HOME & FAMILY
You've desecrated the toilet I call home!
Gee, none of my family was of any help to me, how unusual.
Ah, home sweet hell!
...and no-one understands why I scream on the way home...
Now wait a second. My pretty teenage daughter with the brain of a fruit-fly earned a thousand dollars in three nights. Should I be worried?
Bud, we don't throw away everything that doesn't work. If that was the case, you wouldn't have a mother.
WORK
Sure selling shoes is fun. But behind the glamour, it's like any other minimum wage slow death.
Of cause my present lack of faith is understandable since your average parking meter makes more a day than I do.
I work in a shoe-store and still I'm not happy to come home.
We're closed and, much like my life, the day is over.
SOME OF AL'S PHILOSOPHIES
It's only a game if you win but if you lose it's a stinking waste of time.
Remember our motto: We ain't got it.
Well, I chalked up some more frequent loser miles today.
I don't know what we're put on this planet to do but we're here damn it!
Don't look at me, I wasn't even awake.
It's showbusiness. You don't need talent OR brain.
It's never quite the same when you're sober, is it?
I'd invite you in but instead I think I'll just beat the crap out of you.
Home, work, can a man have too much fun?
AND FIN'AL'LY...So, you think i'm a loser..?
Just because I have a stinkin' job I hate, a family that doesn't respect me and a town that curses the day I was born... Well, that may mean loser to you, but let me tell you something, every morning when I wake up I know it's not gonna get any better until I go back to sleep again. So I get up, have my watered down Tang and still frozen Pop-tart, get in my car, with no upholstery, no gas and six more payments just for the privilege of putting cheap shoes on the cloven hooves of people like you. I'll never play football like I thought I would, i'll never know the touch of a beautiful woman, but i'm not a loser, because dispite it all, me and every other guy who will never be what he wanted to be, are still out there being what we don't wanna be forty hours a week for life, and the fact I haven't put a gun in my mouth makes me a winner.
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