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You can't see the manure pile.</I></div> <div> <I>8. Clean horses, even the ones that aren't blanketed.</I></div> <div> <I>7. It's so cold you don't mind that you don't have any place to ride.</I></div> <div> <I>6. Frozen horse leavings are easy pick off the top of the snow in the</I></div> <div> <I> paddock.</I></div> <div> <I>5. Horsey snow angels.</I></div> <div> <I>4.Water buckets that freeze solid between waterings are easier than</I></div> <div> <I> partially frozen buckets to dump out.</I></div> <div> <I>3.Your boots are clean by the time you get back to the house.</I></div> <div> <I>2. Now that you had to cut 5 inches off your horse's tail because of</I></div> <div> <I> mud/ice balls he has a real dressagey look.</I></div> <div> <I>1.</I><I><U> No mud!</U></I></div> <bR> <div> <I><IMG SRC="0a718280.gif" border=0 width="536" height="40" ALIGN="BOTTOM" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0"></I></div> <div> <I>10 signs your dressage test need working on</I></div> <bR> <div> <I>1.Under judges remarks she writes only: "Nice braid job." </I></div> <div> <I>2.Horse confuses dressage arena rail for a cavaletti; exits at K </I></div> <div> <I>3.Your circles shape reminds the judge that he should pick up eggs on the way home. </I></div> <div> <I>4.Your serpentine was perfect, except that it was supposed to be a straight centerline. </I></div> <div> <I>5.Sitting trot has caused some fillings to be loosened in lower molars. </I></div> <div> <I>6.Your horse believes "free walk" means leaving the arena and heading towards the </I></div> <div> <I> nearest patch of grass. </I></div> <div> <I>7.Your working trot had you working harder than your horse. </I></div> <div> <I>8.In your salute your inadvertently use your whip hand causing your horse to perform </I></div> <div> <I> airs above the ground. </I></div> <div> <I>9.Your walk seems to be more "rare" than "medium". </I></div> <div> <I>10.Impulsion improves only after the horse sees monsters in the decorative shrubbery </I></div> <div> <I> near letters. </I></div> <bR> <div> <I><IMG SRC="0a718280.gif" border=0 width="536" height="40" ALIGN="BOTTOM" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0"></I></div> <div> <I>Top Ten Reasons To Ride Dressage </I></div> <bR> <div> <I>10.Found ice-fishing too stimulating. </I></div> <div> <I> 9.I enjoy wearing full formal wear rain or shine. </I></div> <div> <I>8.Who wouldn't love spending afternoons riding in circles getting yelled at. </I></div> <div> <I>7.Just love subjecting friends and family to my latest equine video spectacular. </I></div> <div> <I>6.My chiropractor needs a new car. </I></div> <div> <I>5.Wanted to find a place my husband wouldn't go -- a.k.a. the barn. </I></div> <div> <I>4.Had tired of spending cold winters by the fire, and hot summers by the pool. </I></div> <div> <I>3.My lawyer wanted me to have three judges. </I></div> <div> <I>2.Lived for the sport where I could say "Piaffe" to the judges. </I></div> <div> <I><U>1.I had way too much money in my bank account</U></I></div> <bR> <div> <I>. </I><I><IMG SRC="0a718280.gif" border=0 width="536" height="40" ALIGN="BOTTOM" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0"></I></div> <div> <I>50 ways to annoy your pasture-mates and slaves</I></div> <bR> <div> <I>1. A stick with a few dead leaves on it can make very scary noises.</I></div> <div> <I> Take advantage of this fact.</I></div> <div> <I>2. Plastic bags can also be quite scary to other horses.</I></div> <div> <I>3. So can large pieces of rubber.</I></div> <div> <I>4.Well, Ok, pretty much anything can appear frightful when held in the mouth and</I></div> <div> <I> shaken. It is very fun to chase around other horses using this knowledge.</I></div> <div> <I>5. Other horses also seem to be quite scared of loud noises. A hoof</I></div> <div> <I> against metal works quite well.</I></div> <div> <I>6. Coughing loudly behind an unsuspecting horse can also be quite</I></div> <div> <I> effective.</I></div> <div> <I>7. Most horses do not know what to think when you stand on your hind</I></div> <div> <I> legs for more than 5 seconds at a time.</I></div> <div> <I>8. Most horses also do not know what to think when you climb into the</I></div> <div> <I> salt feeder.</I></div> <div> <I>9. Or the grain feeder.</I></div> <div> <I>10. Neither do most people.</I></div> <div> <I>11. Any open object is meant to be climbed into. Never mind the size of</I></div> <div> <I> the object in comparison to your size.</I></div> <div> <I>12. Also never mind that the object may be harder to exit than it was to</I></div> <div> <I> enter.</I></div> <div> <I>13. Trailers are more fun to get into than they are to get out of. Do</I></div> <div> <I> not consider this fact when entering the trailer; but strongly consider</I></div> <div> <I> it when asked to get out.</I></div> <div> <I>14. Horse hair bears a striking resemblance to grass.</I></div> <div> <I>15. So does people hair.</I></div> <div> <I>16. All objects have the potential to be edible. Much taste-testing and</I></div> <div> <I> chewing is required to discover this potential.</I></div> <div> <I>17. Other horses make interesting noises when you nip them.</I></div> <div> <I>18. especially when you nip them on the butt.</I></div> <div> <I>19. especially when the horse you are nipping is a female.</I></div> <div> <I>20. People make interesting noises when your place your foot on theirs</I></div> <div> <I>21. People also make interesting noises when you buck while they are</I></div> <div> <I> sitting on your back.</I></div> <div> <I>22. The higher the buck, the louder the noise.</I></div> <div> <I>23. If you possess a large, hangy down thing, then you are a stallion,</I></div> <div> <I> no matter what the vet did to you.</I></div> <div> <I>24. Be sure everyone knows that you are a stallion.</I></div> <div> <I>25. Mares find stallions very attractive. Remind them of this as often</I></div> <div> <I> as possible. Ignore any rude remarks, or respond with one of the above</I></div> <div> <I> techniques for regaining control of the herd.</I></div> <bR> <div> <I>26. Food was meant to be eaten and water was meant to be drunk.</I></div> <div> <I>27. Nothing can change this fact. The more barriers in the way, the more</I></div> <div> <I> number 26 applies.</I></div> <div> <I>28. Water is also meant to be splashed in.</I></div> <div> <I>29. and rolled in.</I></div> <div> <I>30. These acts are more fun when someone is sitting on your back.</I></div> <div> <I>31. If something is fun without an audience, it is twice as fun with an</I></div> <div> <I> audience.</I></div> <div> <I>32. the larger the audience, the greater the fun.</I></div> <div> <I>33. one word: flatulence.</I></div> <div> <I>34. bits were made to be chewed on. They were not made as a device to</I></div> <div> <I> control you.</I></div> <div> <I>35. Ditto with halters.</I></div> <div> <I>36. and leadropes.</I></div> <div> <I>37. "Good boy!" should be music to the ears. Respond to this phrase</I></div> <div> <I> with pricked ears and a happy face. This phrase always applies to you.</I></div> <div> <I>38. Come to think of it, "good boy" is the only phrase that always</I></div> <div> <I> applies to you.</I></div> <div> <I>39. "No" does not apply to you. Ever. Neither does "naughty" or any</I></div> <div> <I> similarly negative phrase.</I></div> <div> <I>40. Be sure your slave knows that these phrases do not apply to you and</I></div> <div> <I> you do not appreciate any negative attitudes.</I></div> <div> <I>41. "Whoa" applies to you when you are tired of moving.</I></div> <div> <I>42. "Giddyup" applies when you are tired of standing.</I></div> <div> <I>43. Under opposite circumstances, each can easily be misinterpreted as</I></div> <div> <I> the other.</I></div> <div> <I>44. In fact, most phrases can easily be misinterpreted to you liking.</I></div> <div> <I>45. Rules were meant to be broken.</I></div> <div> <I>46. Unless they are rules that you wrote.</I></div> <div> <I>47. Then they should be applied as often as possible.</I></div> <div> <I>48. In as many different circumstances as possible.</I></div> <div> <I>49. As long as possible</I></div> <div> <I>50. Possibilities are endless.</I></div> <bR> <bR> <div> <I><IMG SRC="0a718280.gif" border=0 width="536" height="40" ALIGN="BOTTOM" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0"></I></div> <bR> <DIV ALIGN="LEFT"></DIV> <div> <I><B>Top Ten Reasons Why I Like My Horse</B></I></div> <div> <I>(Much better than my husband)</I></div> <div> <I>1. A horse will never ask to borrow money.</I></div> <div> <I>2. Horses are physically incapable of grabbing the remote control and keeping it.</I></div> <div> <I>3. A horse will never tell you that you cooked his dinner wrong.</I></div> <div> <I>4. A horse will never tell you that he's got another girl.</I></div> <div> <I>5. A horse will never call you up (drunk) at 2:30 am and ask for a ride home.</I></div> <div> <I>6. Very few bill collectors will call and ask for your horse.</I></div> <div> <I>7. When a horse hangs out with his buddies, they usually stay out of jail.</I></div> <div> <I>8. A horse is not aware of football, baseball, basketball, or golf seasons.</I></div> <div> <I>9. A horse knows no four-letter words.</I></div> <div> <I>10. Horses do not have to be forced to trim the lawn.</I></div> <bR> <DIV ALIGN="LEFT"></DIV> <div> <I><B>Top Best: "Error in a Horse Ad":</B></I><I> </I></div> <div> <I><B>These Horse Ad typos were collected by Hunter & Sport Horse magazine. (America)</B></I></div> <bR> <div> <I>21. Appleloosa for sale. </I></div> <div> <I>20. Willingly piaffes & massages. </I></div> <div> <I>19. Bay 3-yr-old, lightly started, lounges well. </I></div> <div> <I>18. Cooked semen available. </I></div> <div> <I>17. Welsh filly, pretty head & eye. Just stared over fences. </I></div> <div> <I>16. 3-yr-old TB mare, recently startled under saddle. </I></div> <div> <I>15. Aged race gelding, has four clean kegs. (yippee! party animal!) </I></div> <div> <I>14. Rider must sell: horse going to college. </I></div> <div> <I>13. Gray pony, very athletic, broke to dive. </I></div> <div> <I>12. Small horse farm for sale, 33 acres, large fenced pastures plus three small haddocks. </I></div> <div> <I>11. Attractive gelding for CT, ready to brake in the spring. </I></div> <div> <I>10. Aged WB mare, no lices. Reasonably priced to good home. </I></div> <div> <I>9. Registered Hockey Club mare. </I></div> <div> <I>8. Super mover-gloats over the ground! </I></div> <div> <I>7. Always in the ribbons over fences & thunder saddle. </I></div> <div> <I>6. Select young stock for sale, top scores at insurrection. </I></div> <div> <I>5. 1899 premium filly offered for sale. </I></div> <div> <I>4. Oldenburg colt, will manure to 17 hands. </I></div> <div> <I>3. Young Hanoverian, started u/s, bumping over small courses. </I></div> <div> <I>2. Many sport horses for sale, all apes and sizes.</I><I> </I></div> <div> <I>And the best Error in a Horse Ad:</I><I> </I></div> <div> <I>1. LFG-Live Floral Guarantee. </I></div> <bR> <bR> <DIV ALIGN="LEFT"></DIV> <div> <I><B>TOP TEN EXERCISES TO BECOME A BETTER HORSEMAN</B></I></div> <div> <I>10. Drop a heavy steel object on your foot. Don't pick it up right away. Shout, "Get off, Stupid, GET OFF!"</I></div> <div> <I>9. Leap out of a moving vehicle and practice "relaxing into the fall." Roll lithely into a ball and spring to your feet.</I></div> <div> <I>8. Learn to grab your checkbook out of your purse and write out a $200 check without even looking down.</I></div> <div> <I>7. Jog long distances carrying a halter and a carrot. Go ahead and tell the neighbors what you are doing - they might as well know now.</I></div> <div> <I>6. Affix a pair of reins to a moving freight train and practice pulling to a halt. Smile as if you are having fun.</I></div> <div> <I>5. Hone your fibbing skills: "See hon, moving hay bales is FUN!" and "No, really, I'm glad your lucky performance and multimillion dollar horse won the blue ribbon. I am just thankful that my hard work and actual ability won me second place."</I></div> <div> <I>4. Practice dialing your chiropractor's number with both arms paralyzed to the shoulder and one foot anchoring the lead rope of a frisky horse.</I></div> <div> <I>3. Borrow the US Army's slogan: Be All That You Can Be -- bitten, thrown, kicked, slimed, trampled, frozen...</I></div> <div> <I>2. Lie face down in a puddle of mud in your most expensive riding clothes and repeat to yourself, "This is a learning experience, this is a learning experience, this is ..."</I></div> <div> <I>1. THE NUMBER ONE EXERCISE TO BECOME A BETTER EQUESTRIAN: Marry money.</I></div> <bR> <div> <A HREF="horsehumour.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Horsey Humour "><U><I><B><!-- Start Gem Animated Image (GIF) --> <img src="HTMLobj-168/aniGif.gif" border="0" align="bottom" width="67" height="35"> <!-- End Gem Animated Image (GIF) --> </B></I></U></A><I><B> </B></I><A HREF="howto.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="How To......"><U><I><B><!-- Start Gem Animated Image (GIF) --> <img src="HTMLobj-169/aniGif.gif" border="0" align="bottom" width="67" height="35"> <!-- End Gem Animated Image (GIF) --> </B></I></U></A><I><B> </B></I><A HREF="home.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Equiriders"><U><I><B><!-- Start Gem Animated Image (GIF) --> <img src="HTMLobj-170/aniGif.gif" border="0" align="bottom" width="67" height="35"> <!-- End Gem Animated Image (GIF) --> </B></I></U></A><I><B> </B></I><A HREF="links.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Links"><U><I><B><!-- Start Gem Animated Image (GIF) --> <img src="HTMLobj-171/aniGif.gif" border="0" align="bottom" width="67" height="35"> <!-- End Gem Animated Image (GIF) --> </B></I></U></A><I><B> </B></I><A HREF="mailto:info@equiriders.co.uk" TARGET="_top" TITLE="mailto:info@equiriders.co.uk"><U><I><B><!-- Start Gem Animated Image (GIF) --> <img src="HTMLobj-172/aniGif.gif" border="0" align="bottom" width="67" height="35"> <!-- End Gem Animated Image (GIF) --> </B></I></U></A></div> </td> </tr></table></body>