Make no mistake about it, chairs are killers. It's quite rare for them to feast on anything larger than a table, but occassionally - sometimes just for the "fun" of it - they will attack a much larger object. A car, for example, or - in extreme cases - a box-girder bridge. Not even aeroplanes are safe, and the black-box flight-recorder of many a crashed plane has revealed a sudden attack on the passengers, or the flight-staff, by hunger-crazed chairs. The subsequent crash of the plane has, in these cases, killed chairs and humans alike, so there are definite disadvantages to chairs of feeding in this way.
Some chairs don't care what they eat. At night, chairs commonly feed from refuse bins, coating their interiors with saliva and then sucking the contents out with their long, leathery snouts. As I point out below, this is absolutely disgusting, and it makes me retch to even think about it. Ugh!
No, it's true. Chairs have their disgusting, vile side. If you think the above photographs are bad, then you ought to see Chairs' method of reproduction. It involves "programming" a human to "think" of a "chair design". The human then builds a "factory" (ie, a giant egg) and produces chairs en masse, receiving "reward" in the form of "money" from "consumers" who are - who else? - other humans. The evolutionary function of human beings in the grand scheme of things thus appears to be to act, first as reproductive organs for, then as incubators for, chairs. It goes without saying that humans are aware of none of this, and live out their whole lives in the blissfully idiotic delusion that:
(1) They are in control of the whole process, and
(2) Chair production is a merely marginal feature of human life anyway.
Eventually, of course, chairs will find a way of doing without them. Then - bye, bye humans, what a great species you were.
Not.
